The 11 White Sox Fans You Will Meet at U.S. Cellular Field

If you're a White Sox fan who has never been to U.S. Cellular Field, a baseball observer who looks to visit every stadium in Major League Baseball, a Cubs fan who wants to see how the other half (or, more appropriately, fifth) lives or a cosmopolitan baseball fan, here is a brief guide to the people you might see at the game.

The Eternal Pessimist

This is the most common type of White Sox fan. This fan does not have any faith in the team. Even when the White Sox led the Astros three games to none in the 2005 World Series, this fan was sure the bottom would fall out.

Inside the fan's mind: "I strongly believe that the White Sox will not make the playoffs nor will they finish with a .500 record. Sooner or later, they will drop 10 straight games. I bet my house on it."

The Guarded Pessimist

Many are familiar with the idea of the guarded optimist, but the opposite is more likely to be seen among White Sox fans. Common among the White Sox faithful is the fan who might like to believe that White Sox have some potential but only is able to rely upon information or signs that show that they are not doing well, no matter where their record might stand.

Inside the mind: "I see that Mark Buehrle has pitched consistently well, and I find it encouraging. But he has had times in his career where those periods of consistency were followed by periods of inconsistency or poor pitching."

The Eternal Optimist

Also known as The Unrealist, this fan persistently believes that the White Sox fans will make all of the most brilliant, most prescient moves. This fan believes every year that the White Sox will win the World Series. This fan is extraordinarily rare among White Sox fans, likely forming a lower percentage of the fan base than that of any other team in the MLB.

Inside the mind: "Mark Buehrle is the best pitcher in the American League. He'll pitch a no-hitter this month and win the Cy Young award."

Self-Hating Human Encyclopedia

While human encyclopedias who are fans of other teams find it an encouraging lifestyle, this fan is self-conscious and worries that there is something more to life. Also, this fan finds more pride in knowing every facet of the life of Cardinal George, the Catholic Archbishop of Chicago, than knowing everything he could possibly know about his favorite team. Also, this fan wishes him or herself to be a more loving, caring individual.

Inside the mind: "I would tell my friends this significant fact, but they don't want to know how many Sox players have a negative wins above replacement."

Guy Who Wishes He Were Ozzie Guillen

This fan has chosen perhaps the perfect person in baseball to idolize. He imitates Guillen's dress, speech and mannerisms. Also, he holds pretend press conferences after games and speaks to his wife the way he imagines Ozzie Guillen would.

Inside the mind: "Brandon McCarthy pitched eight shutout innings the other day for the As? [Expletive]."

10-Year-Old Boy Who Wants to Grow Up to Be a White Sox Third Baseman

This fan is one of the most clever White Sox fans around. He knows the lack of depth the White Sox have at third base. Brent Morel won't be around for long. The boy has taken dozens of swings daily. He can hit for power, hit into the gaps and spray to both sides of the field. By the way, he can field. In fact, Kenny Williams should ask his mom about signing him as soon as he hits his next growth spurt.

Inside the mind: "I could have caught that line drive, Brent. Come on!" 

15-Year-Old Girl Who Is Better at Everything Than Everyone Else in Her Grade

This fan is passionate about her team, but being a White Sox fan is a guilty pleasure for her. She gains her pride from being the smartest person in her class, as well as the best athlete.

Inside the mind: "Being a White Sox fan is the only thing the guys in my class can make fun of me for.  Still, I can beat all of them in the mile run."

Mom with Four Kids

This woman inherited her love for the White Sox from her children. She doesn't know as much about the team as the younger set, but she loves taking them to the ballpark. Also, she has a secret crush on Mark Buehrle.

Inside the mind: "That's great that you caught the foul ball, Alex, but you should have been more careful.  There were a lot of people in the aisle."

President Barack Obama

Only the fans of one team can say that the president of the United States is a fan of the same team as them. During this four- or eight-year period, White Sox fans can claim that they rock the South Side gear like Barack Obama.

Inside the mind: "As I was saying, the hopes and dreams of every one of us is that we can spread our love for the White Sox to the people of Egypt. Of course, democracy must come first, though."

The Cubs Fan with a White Sox Voodoo Doll

This Cubs fan splits time between going to Wrigley to cheer the Cubs and going to U.S. Cellular Field to root against the White Sox. Utterly superstitious, this fan is sure that his or her hand-crafted voodoo doll works, claiming that it has caused 192 White Sox losses in the past eight seasons. Also, this fan wishes that the Chicago Transit Authority would give season passes for fans who take the el frequently.

Inside the mind: "Die, Konerko, Die! Hahahaha!" 

Cubs Fan Who Took the Wrong Line on the El

This Cubs fan would have seen his or her favorite team play but loves baseball enough that going to the White Sox game is a better option than getting back on the el, paying the $2.25 for another ticket and traveling an hour to go up to the North Side of Chicago. Obviously, this person is cheap.

Inside the mind: "I don't know anyone on the field, but this is a good game. Go team!"