HUMOR—For those who have read my articles before, you know what my specialty is as a writer. My specialty is to write fantasy pay-per-view predictions. While none of these are accurate I try to make the best possible pay-per-views money can buy.
But shocking news has made me change my stance on the Extreme Rules prediction I was going to throw out. Edge's retirement and vacation of the World Heavyweight Championship has changed the landscape of WWE forever. Burning questions plague the future of Smackdown as a whole.
Maybe Christian will get his main event push? Maybe Del Rio can get a long run with the belt? Maybe the Big Show can get one last run before calling it quits? What about Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger or maybe even Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett as contenders?
I was going to give you mouth-watering matches such as Miz-Morrison for the WWE Championship and Cole-Lawler in a street fight. Instead we will see Miz face R-Truth and John Cena for aforementioned belt. Jim Ross makes his much-hyped in ring return to team up with Lawler against Jack Swagger and Michael Cole.
Those two matches inspired me to take a different direction with this pay-per-view. I will create the WORST pay-per-view anyone can buy. It will be so bad people would not want to be paid $55 to watch it.
Enjoy the pay-per-view prediction and be thankful I don't run WWE or TNA. Well I might be an upgrade for TNA.
Note there will be some spoilers from this week's Smackdown on slide 10, the World Heavyweight Championship slide and the last match of the pay-per-view.
Wouldn't this be the perfect way to open up a pay-per-view? Two guys who can put on a five star classic while remaining in the mid-card? Unfortunately Sin Cara may want to rename himself Sin Botch to get this kind of match.
Daniel Bryan's technical prowess and Sin Cara's high-flying Lucha Libre style contrast very nicely. In addition Bryan is athletic enough to keep up with Sin Cara. Sin Cara has the technical prowess to mat wrestle Bryan. Give these guys thirty minutes and we have an instant classic!
Of course this is the dark match. So the fans in Tampa will enjoy but not you!
Daniel Bryan makes Sin Cara submit via the Lebell Lock to cap off a genuine five star match.
Winner: Daniel Bryan
Before the match Vickie Guerrero cuts a lengthy promo. She brags about how Dolph Ziggler won the World Heavyweight Championship and disparages John Morrison, Trish Stratus, and Snooki on her way to the ring.
Excuse me! Pay attention!
We all know John Morrison is in a bit of hot water. He jobbed to R-Truth last night if you didn't watch the show. Backstage issues apparently derailed his spot in the main event.
Remember, Dolph Ziggler jobbed to Hornswoggle last year and got the World Heavyweight Championship this year (for 13 minutes). Miz jobbed to Bret Hart last year and then captured the WWE Championship later that year.
So don't lose heart John. At least Vickie didn't pin you.
As for the match his punishment will continue as Dolph Ziggler hits the Zig-Zag to get the quick pin.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
After the match Dolph Ziggler proclaims, "In honor of Edge I will have a live sex celebration with Vickie Guerrero right now!"
John Morrison and the fans immediately evacuate the arena. TV screens are all immediately changed or turned off.
"It's a PG show!" Yells the numerous mothers with their three-year-old John Cena fans in tow. Thankfully for everyone involved, Edge and Lita come out and attack Ziggler and Guerrero before they could do anything naughty.
"Thank you Edge!" Chants the almost entirely evacuated crowd. The fans gradually go back in as the next match is underway.
"AND I QUOTE, This is officially a two-on-one handicap match as per the orders of the anonymous Raw General Manager." Yells Michael Cole through his heavily barricaded "Cole Mine."
Awesome Kong makes her much awaited debut at some point on Raw. The IWC is pumped up about the debut of a diva who isn't the stereotypical barbie doll in WWE and can actually wrestle. Although she is most likely going to be a heel, my feeling is she will win some kind of battle royal to challenge the Bella Twins.
Only she jobs to the Bella Twins in a quick five minute match. They do the whole switch thing while Kong and the ref are distracted. This analysis is shorter than a typical Divas match. Michael Cole berates Awesome Kong and the Bella Twins for no apparent reason.
Winner: Brie and Nikki Bella
The picture shown was when Rey Mysterio wrestled without a mask. According to official Lucha Libre rules Rey Mysterio is no longer supposed to be wearing a mask. But it doesn't matter. Money trumps tradition any day.
Will we actually see WWE go insane and unmask Rey Mysterio? His masks are a steady merchandise draw plus wearing it actually means something to him.
Besides, why can't we accept Rey Mysterio as an underdog face? It's not like he pins Kane cleanly more often than not.
Cody Rhodes losing his mask is no big deal at all. The mask is clear anyway. He should go for some kind of Mankind mask or an Abyss mask.
Will WWE actually use logic and have Rey Mysterio win this match? Did you just read that correctly?
Given only ten minutes of air time, this match is not as good as it was at WrestleMania. Cody Rhodes gets hit by his own protective mask and then is destroyed by a 619!
Winner: Rey Mysterio
The never seen before match between Santino and Kozlov vs. Slater and Gabriel is bound to revive the sagging tag team division. But before we get to see the match to save the tag division forever, we hear a riveting Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel promo. They have a bit of a disagreement on how to spell Corre and who should take the credit for being champions.
Heath and Justin, if you want to know the credit should go to WWE for losing their interest in the tag division so no-names like you can win.
For the 1,327th time we get to see Santino hit the Cobra on Heath Slater to regain the Tag Team titles.
Winner: Vladimir Kozlov and Santino Marella
After the match Santino throws apples at the fans. To show their appreciation the fans throw back their apples at the fortified Cole Mine and at Santino.
"Vince, the fans are very agitated right now." Warns Triple H to Vince McMahon in the back. "Should I cut a promo about how I can wrestle again but choose not to."
"No." Says Vince. "That will cut the match time between Jim Ross and Michael Cole."
"Now we're talking!" Thinks the fan who spent $45 paying for a Vickie Guerrero promo unworthy of delayed TV.
Randy Orton and CM Punk have had a solid feud so far. It was disappointing that their match was not given an extra 5-10 minutes at Wrestlemania. I would have loved to see a Go To Sleep be reversed into a RKO. Now they can surpass their finish from the last pay-per-view.
Orton and Punk have 15 solid minutes of action before David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty beat Orton down with a chair and a kendo stick. Orton is viciously beaten by the new Nexus until Skip Sheffield makes his shocking return and nearly clotheslines Otunga's head off. McGillicutty and Punk beat down on Sheffield until Michael Tarver takes out McGillicutty. Mason Ryan then takes out Tarver. He comes with a table and powerbombs a bruised, battered Orton through the table. After ordering Ryan to powerbomb him again, CM Punk attempts to put the finishing touches with a Go To Sleep.
Let's summarize all this, Randy Orton is beaten up throughout the match by Punk. David Otunga then hits him five times with a kendo stick. Michael McGillicutty hits Orton with seven chair shots to the back and stomach. Mason Ryan powerbombs him through a table twice. Now CM Punk tries to hit the Go To Sleep. Randy Orton RKOs him in midair! He then RKOs Ryan for good measure.
Winner: Randy Orton
After the match Randy Orton punts CM Punk in the skull. All the CM Punk fans mourn as Punk gets carted off in a stretcher. IWC fans blaze up the message board in flames wondering why CM Punk is getting punted in the skull.
We want to see Jim Ross calling the matches, not wrestling in them. We want to see Jerry Lawler beat down on Cole, not Jack Swagger putting the ankle lock on a man who could be his grandfather.
On a side note, WWE missed a great opportunity to turn Jack Swagger face. All he had to do was to hit Michael Cole. His All American-gimmick can easily endear him to the fans, especially the younger ones.
Prior to the showdown Michael Cole escapes the Cole Mine and cuts a five minute promo with his orange wrestling gear. His Mickey Mouse tattoos make the women run away, the children cry to their parents, and makes the men brag to their girlfriends/wives they are in better shape than Michael Cole.
For the match, Jim Ross and Michael Cole put on a 15 minute clinic in the ring. Jack Swagger seems disinterested in helping Cole and Jerry Lawler is itching to get the clearance to pile-drive Cole into oblivion. This feud should have ended at WrestleMania.
Now it will end at Extreme Rules. Remember when I said it will be the worst pay-per-view ever?
Jack Swagger finally turns on Cole and kicks him in the face. Jerry Lawler then pile-drives Cole into the hard unforgiving mat. He tags in Jim Ross to make Michael Cole submit to the Ankle Lock.
Winner: Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross
After the match the Anonymous Raw GM officially fires Jerry Lawler for illegally pile-driving Cole. Of course the GM refuses to come out and face the music. On top of that Michael Cole is 2-0 because the GM disqualified Ross and Lawler.
"This is Extreme Rules you stupid computer!" Screams the fans still faithfully watching this pay-per-view. "Reveal yourself you coward!" Fans who bought this pay-per-view order several anti-depressants to get them through Michael Cole cutting a celebratory promo.
On the bright side Jim Ross and Jack Swagger can create an all-Oklahoma alliance. Swagger can be a top face on Raw if Randy Orton fills Edge's void on Smackdown. Jim Ross can help Swagger get over with the fans.
How fitting John Cena is a Rays fan and this pay-per-view emanates from the Tampa-St Pete Times Forum. "But isn't he from Massachusetts? Shouldn't he then be a Yankees fan?" Asks the confused baseball fan.
R-Truth first comes out and does his usual "What's up! Shut up!" routine for a couple of minutes.
He then says "Miami, Florida! What's up!" After he gets booed loudly, he tries to rectify the situation. "Orlando, Florida! What's up!" He gets booed even louder. He gives up trying to know where he is and allows John Cena to enter the ring. Alex Riley and the Miz enter the ring after the awkward Truth-Cena stare down.
"When you think of timeless WWE Championship bouts, you think of Rock-Austin, Shawn Michaels-John Cena-" Booker T gets cut off.
"Booker T. I know you have a first grade education but are you high? Really? Really? Really?" Yells the Miz. "Putting John Cena in the same conversation with the Rock, HBK, and Austin is an insult-" He gets cutoff!
"To John Cena!" Yell all the five year old children still in attendance.
Let's fast forward this match for the sake of everyone watching.
Cena uses his five moves of doom after he gets hit by an R-Truth chain and whatever his new finisher is, Alex Riley's briefcase (three times), Miz's skull crushing finale (two times into the briefcase, one time outside the ring into the concrete), and R-Truth rapping in his face for thirty seconds.
After all this punishment Cena delivers two shoulder blocks, a missed punch, a sidewalk slam, the you can't see me taunt, the dreaded five knuckle shuffle, and the Attitude Adjustment to the Miz.
Cena goes to pin Miz but former Tampa Bay Rays slugger Manny Ramirez shockingly comes out of retirement to nail Cena with a baseball bat.
The fans are absolutely shocked. Manny Ramirez covers R-Truth over John Cena to pick up the victory!
Winner (and new champion): R-Truth
WARNING: Next slide contains a spoiler. But you already know that.
I am not shocked about Edge's retirement. Injuries have taken a toll on the man. A broken neck is something that can paralyze or even kill a man. Professional wrestling is an exciting yet dangerous profession. There's a reason why so many wrestlers die young. It's an unbelievably physically demanding profession.
WARNING: SPOILER ALERT
Teddy Long determined Alberto Del Rio's spot is safe. On Friday's episode of Smackdown, Christian won a 20-man over the top battle royal to replace Edge in the ladder match.
Make it a sentimental moment WWE. Finally allow Captain Charisma to become World Heavyweight Champion. Alberto Del Rio can pick up the belt later in the year or even at the next pay-per-view. Just let Christian have a run with the belt in honor of Edge.
Christian is about to unhook the World Heavyweight Championship belt. Alberto Del Rio is languishing outside of the ring. There is no stopping Captain Charisma now. His peeps cheer him on as he finally reaches greatness. Tears stream down his face as he unhooks the World Heavyweight Championship belt!
Winner (and new champion): Christian
No this is not a joke. Christian is your new World Heavyweight Champion!
Extreme Rules cuts off 20 minutes early as the fans are in utter shock. Christian "I went to TNA so I can main event" Cage becomes the new World Heavyweight Champion. A high-quality sentimental moment ends the pay-per-view. Everyone who is still there comes home happy.
Unsurprisingly the IWC immediately turns on Christian saying he was nothing more than a mid-carder taking advantage of Edge's retirement.
What a pay-per-view!
First off we get to see Vickie Guerrero attempt to have a live sex celebration with ex-boyfriend/business associate Dolph Ziggler. Then we get to see Awesome Kong job to two divas half her size (and a tenth of her talent). Rey Mysterio keeps his mask by defeating Cody Rhodes.
Santino and Vladimir Kozlov regain the Tag Team Championships after a thrilling Cobra strike and apples go flying around after the match. Randy Orton defied the odds and defeated CM Punk and the New Nexus. Michael Cole manages to cement his undefeated record at 2-0 by defeating Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross via disqualification.
Manny Ramirez forgets what sport he is in and aids R-Truth with winning his first ever WWE Championship. Christian finally becomes World Heavyweight Champion!
That's what's up! Thanks for reading my article!