Let's get this straight people, I'm really trying hard to love tennis but I can't. I simply can't.
Everywhere I go talk about tennis, in the real as well as virtual world, the F-man pops into every conversation eventually. He's good, no doubt about it; maybe the best ever player or whatever.
Honestly, I like to watch him play but I'm kinda getting tired and irritated listening to people, reading articles and watching video specials on him before every tournament!
He has become more like Paris Hilton of tennis for sportswriters, who aren't tired of writing and speculating about him at the drop of the hat!
Look for genuine editorials in any media publication today and there's the F-man! Look at B/R tennis forum, for instance. It is swarming with articles on him [no disrespect meant to others, even I wrote one...but hey, let's save it for another day]!
People keep telling me tennis is more than F-man, I want to believe that...honest, I swear on F-man's brilliance...but all I hear is F-man this, F-man that, even while talking about other players! I'm not even gonna bother myself by naming him, everyone knows who the F-man is!
He's like corruption in India, omnipresent and omnipowerful, making his presence felt every time we think of tennis! It is almost as if the F-man has put a curse on tennis itself!
Thou shalt not talk of tennis without mentioning the F-man!
Now, just to prove that discussions on tennis without mentioning tennis' bogeyman aren't humanly possible, I start by assuming that such discussions are actually possible and began thinking of things related to tennis completely oblivious of him. It's logic theory-proof by contradiction!
It sounds weird to mix maths with tennis in journalism, but hey, I'm willing to take my chances.
The first such thought that comes to my mind is Maria Sharapova (super cute face, her grunting, those *censored thoughts* legs, not to forget her game, too).
It is actually a good topic to talk about as it is completely oblivious of my nemesis, though can't think of a way how he can make it into a conversation about women's tennis but again I'm not taking any chances.
Now, let's not try and discuss my thoughts on Maria Sharapova's legs or grunting and simply concentrate on her game.
For me, whenever Maria plays, it's like watching squash with Maria and an invisible wall at the net! Normally when we watch tennis, we tend to sway our heads to and fro from player to another but with Maria, my head gets locked to the side of court where she is.
The other player is inconspicuous, as she is out of my visual scope. It's just Maria running around in the half court and hitting or missing the balls.
Her dressing sense, off and on court, is impeccable. Honestly, I have never seen a lady so gorgeous fully dressed!
Clothes somehow look very odd on her as if she had suddenly grown an imperfection, just not to intimidate prospective suitors with her flawless beauty. I still believe it was her beauty which made that fashionably disastrous "swan" dress look delightful!
Her game...well, it's difficult to concentrate for me on technical details simultaneously while observing such a captivating and visually enthralling masterpiece. I guess its better to leave the finer nuances of her game to the better qualified persons to dissect her game play.
Some may consider this an amateurish and chauvinistic take on one of the leading sportswomen of today's world, but love makes you do things, silly things, that you can bet on your wife absolutely sure of not doing any one of them in a million years to come.
Every feminist would agree when I say all men are pigs: some want it less, some want it more, but in the end, every man wants it! I can't deny the fact that I'm just one of the 99 percent of the normal un-"fairer" male species of mankind, nor that I love Maria [okay, maybe lust at first, but eventually lust leads to love anyways].
Now stop staring at me and move onto other things. Novak Djokovic is a really funny guy off the court. They call him the Djoker. The guy has a story of hardship and trauma behind him, and still manages to make everyone smile with his antics and jokes.
How many players have you ever heard say that he enjoys playing mixed doubles because it allows him to have the best view of his partner bending over? Corny yet humorous!
He even does imitations of other players off the court. He even did a Maria Sharapova imitation, which was terribly funny.
He has even been linked with Maria Sharapova earlier after he karaoked with Maria all night long in New York last year. But I wasn't really stressed out with that news as you would expect.
She's a celebrity sportsperson, and such rumors are bound to fly. Now she is reportedly dating Charlie Ebersol as per a New York newspaper. What the heck? She was even said to be dating Andy Roddick once!
This brings me to Andy Roddick! When that guy when first arrived on the big stage, I believed he could be the next Pete Sampras, but boy, was I wrong! He was doing great until 2003 when he won the US Open.
Even on a bad run during 2005, he saved the umpire "a trip" when he reversed the linesman's call on Verdasco's serve while being on match point and ended up losing the match despite a great show of sportsmanship!
A-Rod, not to be confused with baseball superstar Alex Rodriguez, has great sense of humor too. Always prompt and upfront with funny remarks on himself and his rivals, he is every journalists delight. But he can only provide the journalists with entertainment, not genuine scoops; blame it on his severe losing streak against Fe...Damn it!
This is exactly why it is so irritating! Remember where we started? On Maria Sharapova and everything genuinely unrelated to the F-man wondering how could he possibly creep into this discussion, but look where we ended after possibly three minutes-on the F-man again! It feels inevitable now to talk of tennis without acknowledging him!
Hence it is proved that no discussion on tennis can be held without the involvement of F-man! Tennis is indeed under the curse of the F-man nowadays and I'm no exorcist but I know better than provoking the ire of millions of F-cult worshippers! I know exactly what to do!
Hail the F-man!
If you can't beat them, join them! After all, we got to live today to continue the fight tomorrow!