College Football Wordplay: From A to Z (Week 4 2007)

Eric ThomasonCorrespondent ISeptember 30, 2008

College football week of 9/15/07

Accomplishments: I’ll start off a little different this week and try not to bash two of the classiest guys in college football. Jim Tressel with his Mr. Rodgers sweater, sorry, and Frank Beamer both notched the 200th win of their careers. Some of the best in the business and what I love most is they run a clean program.

Ok, that’s enough with the lovey-dovey stuff. It’s time to wordplay.

Bluegrass Comeback: Anytime a program notches its first win over a top ten program in 30 years it’s big, but when Kentucky defeated Louisville40-34 it meant much more for quarterback André Woodson. Woodson has been overshadowed by his rival Brian Brohm since high school.

The relationship is cruel, like the redheaded stepsister kind. The Louisville star was the number one quarterback in the state of Kentuckycoming out of high school, Woodson was two. André had never beaten Brian, high school or college, and has been overlooked by Brohm in the Heisman race all season.

This was like getting the one thing in your life you’ve always wanted. The Coyote finally got his Roadrunner.  (See letter “W”)

Cramps: Nick Saban’s defense almost let the game slip away after holding a 31-10 lead in the third quarter and had to rely on some late game heroics from quarterback John Parker Wilson.

Can anyone tell me why D.J. Hall was on the sideline for Alabama in the fourth quarter? He had six catches for 172 yards and 2 touchdowns.

Arkansas scored 28 straight points to lead 38-34 behind the legs of McFadden, who rushed for 195 yards and two touchdowns. The do-it-all future “McMadden” stud looked more impressive in Tuscaloosathan Forrest Gump.  ‘Bama caught a big break when the All-American was sidelined late in the game with cramps, because he embarrassed all eleven members of the Crimson Tide defense in the second half.

The guy loves to run and could finish the season with about 1.2 miles rushing.

Discussion Time: Big-Ten Football

Escape: The Texas Longhorns won another sloppy game this weekend in a rainy affair with Central Florida. It had to be nice to for George O’Leary and his Knights to play in an electrifying brand-new Bright House Networks Stadium.

I bet Charlie Weis is wishing he lied about his Notre Dame résumé right about now.

The Sunshine state is host to a hot bed of athletes, and O’Leary’s program is in position to become the TCU of Florida. The Longhorns should be very scared of that mighty OU team. But Texas fans should be more concerned with putting 11 guys on the field first, seeing how Mack Brown’s players can’t find a way to stay out of handcuffs. 

First Timer: Utahsophomore safety Robert Johnson had two interceptions and a game-changing forced-fumble in the Utes’ 44-6 thrashing of UCLA. Down 14-6 in the second half, Johnson chased down Bruins’ wide receiver Marcus Everett at the goal line and punched the football out of the end zone for a touchback.

P.S. it was the first start of his career.

UCLA simply shut down in the second half. I haven’t seen anyone quit like that since Roberto Duran fought Sugar Ray Leonard. Head Coach Karl Dorrell has 20 returning starters and apparently they’re all bilingual.

 “No Más.”

Gator Bait:


I Know: I talked smack about the “powerhouse” Iowa State squad last week and said they wouldn’t win a game this season unless a blizzard hit Ames. So I guess we should start mentioning the Cyclones as front runners for the Big 12 North after their win over intrastate rival Iowa, 15-13 right?

Reality is all the game insured was that the Cy-Hawk Trophy won on Saturday will be Iowa State’s only one of the season. Want a comparison? The 1989 Dallas Cowboys, who went 1-15 with their only win coming against the rival Redskins.

Oh, and winning a game in which your kicker scored all of your points; I don’t even think that counts.

Just Right Top Ten: After three weeks of college football here’s the true top ten.

1. USC-
2. Oklahoma-
3. Florida-
4. LSU-
5. West Virginia-
6. California-
7. Ohio State-
8. Texas-
9. Oregon-
10A. Boston College-
10B. South Carolina-

Know How to Win: It was clear Jim Tressel and his Buckeyes do. After trailing Washington 7-3 at halftime, Ohio State scored the first 24 points in the second half. The Huskies couldn’t stop the bruising rushing attack of Chris Wells who finished with 135 yards and a touchdown.

The Ohio State running back has Buckeye alumni singing "Viva Viagra," because he got it up the field for three hours against Washington on Saturday.

Jake Locker still looked impressive in the loss and proved that the hype surrounding him is legit.

Laurinaitis: The Ohio State Buckeye linebacker was exceptional on Saturday. His interception of Locker’s shovel pass swung momentum in favor of the Buckeyes and changed the game. The junior flashed signs of the big play capability Roy Williams provided for Oklahoma back in the day.

The guy causes so many problems for opposing teams that Webster’s just added “Laurinaitis” as a word in the dictionary: A condition commonly found in quarterbacks, causing severe irritability, mental anxiety, loss of vision, and chronic headaches.  

Men of Troy: Not USC, but the rise of the University of Troy. The Trojans upset Oklahoma State on Friday, dominating the Pokes from the get-go and held a 41-10 lead to start the fourth quarter.

In the mean time, the controversy surrounding the quarterback position only got worse for the Cowboys. Backup Zac Robinson played great in the Florida Atlantic game last week after Bobby Reid left the game with an ankle injury, but struggled against the Trojans.

Expect Head Coach Mike Gundy to take a bit of advice from the Troooojan Man, and let Bobby Reid get some play this week.

Now What: Notre Dame started the season with too many quarterbacks to choose from and now they can’t find one. Opening day starter Demtrius Jones announced he will transfer to Northern Illinois, and honestly, who can blame the guy?

This team is simply lost. I mean at one point Jimmy Clausen fumbled and then power walked to pick it up. The Irish are awful.

Here are the stats: Notre Dame ranks dead last among 119 Division I-A schools in scoring (4.3 PPG), offensive touchdowns (zero), rushing yards (-14 YPG), total offense (115.0 YPG) and sacks allowed (23).

I could take a knee on first thru third down, punt four times and still gain two more yards on the ground than the Irish. That would make me six feet better, taller than the average man, and that’s exactly what Notre Dame’s athletes are these days.

October 6th: There may not be a playoff system for college football, but you’ll get a taste of what one might be like when “Championship Week” comes around Oct. 6:

The Big XII South Championship Game: Texas v. Oklahoma in Dallas

The Big XII North Championship Game: Nebraska at Missouri

The SEC Championship Game: Florida at LSU

The C-USA East Championship Game: UCF at East Carolina

The Big Ten Championship Game:  Ohio State at Purdue

The I wish I didn’t have to play Game: Stanford at USC

The I still don’t have a win Game: Notre Damn at UCLA

Pretty Please: The University of Oregon has been on a tear to start the season. The Ducks thrashed Fresno State 52-21. The same Bulldogs squad that took Texas A&M to three overtimes in Kyle last week. As impressive as the Ducks have been, Oregon still doesn’t look good doing it in those nasty jerseys.

Thanks to you, the whole world knows that green comes in 54 different shades. You would be hard pressed to find that same color in a Crayola box, and I’m talking about the girl in second grade that had the 128-pack with the sharpener on the back.

You know, the one that had colors like Macaroni and Cotton Candy? Oh, and tell the player who shaved the “O” in his head that he’s not helping your image either. 

QB Counseling: Auburn

Role Reversal: A few hours ago no one wanted to be Lloyd Carr, and now he has head coaches across the country envying him. I thought this program would turn it around; I just didn’t think it would be Russell Crow who saved it. So where should the coaches in Carr’s predicament turn for help?

Tommy Tuberville should take advice from Michael Jackson because it doesn’t matter if your quarterback is black or white.

Gary Patterson should turn to Paris Hilton to save the, oh wait they’re already the Horny Toads.

Carl Dorrell should bore his kids into playing sixty minutes of football with a Rubik’s Cube.

And Charlie Weis should ask the Pope for mercy, because it’s obvious God is punishing him.

Shhhhh: That’s what the Trojans did by dominating in Lincoln. Sam Keller has now played USC with two different teams, Nebraska and Arizona State, throwing a combined 7 interceptions. The Men of Troy torched Keller as a Sun Devil and roasted him as a Husker.

Seriously, how does Pete Carroll get so many athletes?

Minus the ten or so 280-plus linemen that are slower than a 4.7 forty, everyone else on the team seems good enough to be the running back. Beware of the 25-deep backfield residing in the Coliseum.

Told You So: Mike Hart. I really don’t have much to say because Hart did the talking for me. He had Notre Dame more puzzled than Billy Madison was after Eric’s masterful piano performance in the school decathlon: “he’s good.”

Under The Radar: It still amazes me how many people overlook Hawaii quarterback Colt Brennan. His 26 for 32, 298 yard, five touchdown performance against UNLV was the 29th straight time the QB has thrown for over 200 yards in a game.

Colt owns so many school records, he just went platinum. I wish the guy would stay inland. Maybe while Brennan was on the strip he took some trusty advice from O.J., because, hey, “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas right?” 

And no, Mr. Simpson, you can’t steal his records. They’re not really platinum.    

Victorious: Duke won on the road for the first time in four years, snapping the nation’s longest losing streak at 22 games with a 20-14 triumph over Northwestern. That’s right, four years. That’s how often the World Cup and Summer Olympics occur.

The senior graduating on time this spring has seen the Blue Devil basketball team win 81 games. Twenty times more than the football team has, four.

It’s like Christmas; it only comes once a year.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING!@#!: As Kentucky drove for the game winning score, Eric Scott was flagged for a personal foul penalty after he inexplicably pushed a Louisville player after the play; a penalty that seemed to end any hopes of a Wildcat comeback. Who is Eric Scott?

He’s Andre Woodson’s senior center! I mean what are you thinking? Aren’t you the guy whose ass the QB has been touching for four years? I thought you two would have a special bond by now.

Luckily the next play was a 57-yard bomb to Steve Johnson for a touchdown, you butthead.

X-plain This: Kentucky was celebrating a victory way too early once again after it took the lead with just 28 seconds remaining. I just couldn’t believe the Wildcat side line frantically running around with no signs of composure. Do you really not remember the Hail Mary against LSU?

Sure enough a deflected ball landed in Louisville wide receiver Harry Douglas’ hands inside the ten and he almost scored. And will anyone explain why Rick Brooks didn’t go for two after the touchdown made it 39-34?

Or maybe we can ask Mack Brown why he went for two with the Longhorns leading 35-24 late in the fourth quarter? These calculations aren’t rocket science, and coaches even carry a cheat sheet for this stuff.

I’m no genius, but I’m pretty sure even the girl with that 128-pack of Crayons can still figure out what five times four is without a multiplication chart. 

Young Guns: Watch out for Pittsburgh’s LeSean McCoy and West Virginia’s Noel Devine, two exciting freshman backs.

The Panthers tailback is strong, shifty and explosive in the open field. McCoy is doing it all without a passing game too, Pitt ranks 100th overall, and should be the go to guy for the remainder of the season.

Divine has been the surprise of the season so far for the Mountaineers, adding another element to the already explosive backfield. Add Patrick White, Steve Slaton, and All-American fullback Owen Schmitt to the mix and Morgantown is now home to the “Fantastic Four.”

Zoom In: Temple UConn play.


    1st-Round Results, Big Board 👀

    College Football logo
    College Football

    1st-Round Results, Big Board 👀

    Mike Chiari
    via Bleacher Report

    Rosen 'Pissed Off' to Be 10th Pick

    College Football logo
    College Football

    Rosen 'Pissed Off' to Be 10th Pick

    Rob Goldberg
    via Bleacher Report

    Report: Patterson Will Be Eligible to Play in 2018

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    College Football

    Report: Patterson Will Be Eligible to Play in 2018

    Scott Polacek
    via Bleacher Report

    Purdue, Brohm Agree on 7-Year/$26.9M Extension

    College Football logo
    College Football

    Purdue, Brohm Agree on 7-Year/$26.9M Extension

    Joseph Zucker
    via Bleacher Report