Legalizing steroids for professional baseball players who suck

Rick BrunettiContributor ISeptember 23, 2008

    In the summer and late fall of 1998, Mark Mcgwire captivated the entire nation’s interest in baseball through his quest to break one of sports most heralded records, the single season homerun record of 61 set by Roger Maris in 1961.  By the end of the 1998 season Mcgwire had shattered the record, and ended up with 70 homeruns, and in doing so gave Americaprecisely what they wanted: which was to see a massive amount of homeruns.  What wasn’t known at the time was that Americawas witnessing the most beautiful lie in modern sports history, as Mcgwire was loaded with more testosterone (steroids) than the entire world’s strongest women competition.

            Mcgwire was guilty of nothing more than thinking before his time, and is not a cheater, and in no way should he be held responsible for baseball’s tarnished public image.  If anything Mcgwire’s actions should be celebrated, and acclimated as the player innovative enough to give MLB, and the fans exactly what they wanted.  We as fans have a right to witness players hit 600 feet long homeruns, and see pitchers throw 105 miles per hour fastballs.  Mcgwire, among other players gave us that ability.  The real problem in this situation is not the taking of steroids; it is rather that the taking of these steroids is considered illegal.  Therefore, steroid use draws negative attention from the public and the media.  Thus, in order for us to ensure that baseball will continue to be played at the highest level as humanly possible we need not only to legalize steroids for players who suck, but we also need to initiate the “pick it and stick it” doping policy into major league baseball.

The book called “Juiced”, which is an autobiography written by Jose Conseco: ratted out all of major league baseball for its rampant steroid use.  There had been previous players who have made public comments regarding baseballs steroid problems.  For example, Ken Caminiti, the National league’s most valuable player in 1996, and an admitted steroid user claims, “at least half the players (in MLB) are using steroids.”  The difference between Caminiti’s statements, and those of which Conseco made was that Conseco actually had the balls (albeit quite small ones) to go as far as naming players other than just himself who partook in performance enhancing drugs.  Conseco claims to have personally injected steroids in the asses of such players as Mark Mcgwire, Rafael Palmeiro, and Ivan Rodriguez, and also stated that Barry Bonds, and Sammy Sosa were known steroid abusers within the baseball world. 

Bud Selig, the commissioner of Major League Baseball knows that his players are viewed as heroes to kids all over the world, and already has laid the groundwork for the “pick it and stick it” doping policy to succeed. Selig states “Major League Baseball has always recognized the influence that our stars can have on the youth of America.”  Selig has indeed had a strong influence on today’s youth, as the percentage of high school students taking steroids has increased by 75 percent since Selig took over as commissioner in 1992.  In 2005 an estimated 50,000 high school students partook in steroid use.  This is a step in the right direction, but unfortunately what Selig doesn’t realize is that high school is just too late to get kids started on performance enhancing drugs.  For my plan of legalizing steroids, and in doing so eliminating sucky players from major league baseball we must start from the very beginning.  From the time a child is picking up his first baseball bat their parents should be crushing up some pill formed steroids and sprinkling it over their Fruity Pebbles. Chocolate milk will also need to be replaced by some Creatine shakes.  We will have kids hitting homeruns by the time they are seven years old, and before long the Little League World Series will have to be held in Yankees Stadium!  Hook the kids early, and they will have their chemical diet mastered by the time they hit high school, and by the time they hit the major leagues, they will be unstoppable.  Starting this plan early will help us eliminate sucky players from the major’s in the future.

In addition to the vast improvements to our youngsters, just think of all the additional money that could be earned by the medical field if kids started partaking in performance enhancing drugs at such a young age.  This will allow the steroid producers to come up with innovative new ways of increasing baseball player’s abilities, and further limiting their suckiness.  For example, Barry Bonds “supposedly” was taking horse testosterone to help his mass building.  It obviously worked as Bonds was able to gain 67 pounds since his rookie season. Why stop with horses?  There must be a way to find a safe procedure to start inserting lets say elephant, or hippopotamus hormones into our bodies.  These additional funds solicited by drugging up the kids can help us solve this and other steroid prohibiting dilemmas!

The word “cheating” generates feelings of such strong contempt.  If we just eliminate performance enhancing drugs off of the “not to do” list a lot of the negative aura currently surrounding baseball will instantly be eliminated.  Rather than players having to hide their stashes out of fear of being labeled a cheater, these players can now have their habit’s be right out in the open for everybody to see.  This plan will also open up new job opportunities’ within baseball as each team will need to hire a steroid specialist.  Steroid specialist however sounds far too cryptic, so let’s name this new medical position “Masters of the Gargantuan Arts.”

It will be the “Masters of the Gargantuan Arts” responsibility to ensure that each and every sucky player on his or her respective team is receiving the correct chemical diet for that players needs.  Not just anybody is going to be qualified for this particular duty.  These professionals will need extensive experience and training with performance enhancing drugs.  Therefore my first nomination for this position will be Victor Conte who is the founder of the now infamous California based pharmaceutical company.  Conte states “It is important to fully acknowledge that the current anti-doping programs are ineffective and this fact has contributed to the use-or-lose mentality that exists today,” this is precisely the attitude which this position will require, “use-or-lose”.  Conte’s company provided the steroids used by Barry Bonds, and also claims to have helped Olympic gold medalist Marion Jones with her performance enhancement.  Anybody who provided the chemical diet which helped Bonds hit 74 homeruns in 2001, and helped Jones win a record five medals in the 2000 Sydney Olympics definitely meets the requirements for this new position.  Legalizing steroids will enable us to ensure that the steroids are being used safely, and to maximize the possibilities that steroids will open.  Legalizing steroids is a utilitarianism act, as this will promote more happiness than it will provoke unhappiness. 

Baseball players, more so than any other athlete are judged almost entirely by their statistics.  These stats are gathered, sorted, analyzed, broken down, resorted, and then analyzed yet again.  These stats are looked at more closely than the annual Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.  Due to this, baseball purists believe that it is not fair for statistics of players who played in the pre steroid era be compared to those who played in the steroid era.  Former MLB player and current US senator Jim Bunning states “If they started in 1992 or 1993 illegally using steroids, wipe all of their records out.  Take them away.  They don’t deserve them.  Go ask Henry Aaron.  Go ask the family of Roger Maris.  Go ask all the people that played without enhancement drugs if they would like their records compared with the current records.”  Through this whine session Bunning suggests that we wipe out all statistics generated during the “steroid era.”  Another suggestion is that rather than completely wiping out the records generated during the past decade that we should place an asturisk next to these records.  Basically this would consist of going through and placing an asturisk next to any player who played during the “steroid era”, and stating “played in the steroid era.”  I have major issues with both of these ideas based on one simple point.  How do we really know?

How do we know when a player started using steroids since Major League Baseball took the stance of “Sorry, I must have missed that” when it came to steroids?  Up until 2003 there was no testing for steroids whatsoever.  Both ideas are completely ludicrous.  We live in a country where a person is considered innocent until proven absolutely guilty.  The fact that Barry Bonds has to walk through a doorway sideways to ensure that his massive forehead can make it through is not going to suffice as definite evidence of steroid use.  Therefore we absolutely need to eliminate what we do know to be absolutely sure, and erase all records up to 1990, or else all of baseball could soon implode upon itself!

Steroid propaganda began to circulate around baseball in the early 1990’s therefore in order to satisfy the baseball purists desire to have the statistics from pre steroid, and post steroids separated we should wipe the books clean and start the stats over from 1990.  Due to the fact that players up to that point didn’t use performance enhancement drugs, and therefore sucked anyways would make this the only fair thing to do.

While Jose Conseco was attempting to sell copies of his book he did many interviews regarding the positive effects of steroids on the human body.  While on 60 minutes Conseco states “I truly believe, because ive experimented with it (steroids) for so many years, that it can make an average athlete a super athlete.  It can make a super athlete-incredible.  Just legendary.”  With that in mind we now can see that completely eliminating sucky players’ from major league baseball is very possible.  After all if steroid’s worked for Jose Conseco they will absolutely work for everybody who would otherwise suck!  In order for this to happen, we must instigate the “pick it and stick it” doping policy for any player who falls into the “suck” category.  We must now fully decipher what guidelines must be put into place to help us separate the sucky players from the unsucky players.

Baseball players who play in the field, and are judged by their offensive production must adhere to these strict minimums in order to avoid the “pick it and stick it” doping policy.  Each batter must have a batting average of at least .400.  Getting four hits every ten at bats can not be that difficult.  They also must smack at least 65 homeruns in each and every season.  Roger Maris’s record of 61 homers lasted 37 years, and has now been broken six times within the last seven seasons, with Barry Bonds setting the mark.  This rule change does not neglect the other side of baseball, as pitchers are required to maintain a high level of play as well.  If we must endure a boring pitching duel than they better be exciting pitchers duels made up of a plethora of strike outs, so give them some steroids too. 

In order for a pitcher to avoid being placed in the “sucky” category, and thus negating their need for steroids they need to be able to produce numbers as such.  They must compile a win loss ratio of at least three to one.  Therefore if a pitcher loses five games they must win a minimum of 15.  Each pitcher must also record at least 300 strikeouts per season.  This mark has been reached by pitchers 28 times in league history, and most of these players sucked, and where not maximizing their abilities with performance enhancing drugs. This should be an easy number to reach.    The last prerequisite that must be obtained by pitchers is they must keep their earned run averages below 2.0.

Major league baseball maintains the right to edit these minimums in order to match the inflation rate of these statistics, as the players leave their weaker bodies behind them, and embrace the new fundamentals of baseball.  No longer will baseball sit idly by, and watch player’s hit for a horridly pathetic batting average!  No longer will baseball settle for so called professional baseball players who can not manage to hit even 10 measly homerun’s!  No longer will baseball suffer through a retched pitcher who can not throw a single fucking strike!  This madness ends here, and it ends right now!  These player’s will be forced to either improve their pathetically underdeveloped natural god-given abilities through performance enhancing drugs, or they will be replaced by the youngster’s we have been grooming since they were in diapers who will get the job done!  Mediocrity may be acceptable in American soccer, but it is not going to be dealt with any longer in “Americas Favorite Past Time”!

As far as the drug testing policy goes, we will stick with the plan currently implemented in MLB only completely backwards.  Players who fall under the “sucky” category will be required to be tested for positive steroid results once at the beginning of spring training.  They will also be randomly tested twice throughout the eight month season.  These two times during the season actually come within the same week.  If the player gets tested and it comes back clean the first time, the player will than be instructed to take as many performance enhancing drugs as possible for the next seven days, and then will be tested again.  If somehow the test comes’ back clean a second time we will than be forced to take this public and the punishment will begin.  This is a three strike and you’re out policy.  The first negative test result will result in a 50 game paid suspension.  A player who tests negative a second time will be dealt a 100 game paid suspension where they will be required to meet with their team’s “Master of Gargantuan Arts” once a week. This should help ensure that this two time loser doesn’t let it happen a third time.  If a third test result comes back clean the player will be permanently banned from the sport of baseball.  Keep in mind that baseball contract’s are guaranteed, and thus a team can cut a player during there suspension periods, but will have to pay out the entire term of the contract.  Only if a player is banned from baseball will a contract be legally voided.

With this new “pick it and stick it” doping policy in place for players who suck, I foresee a very large future for Major League Baseball.  Not only in the sheer size of these mammoth pure-breads who play the game, but also with the potential for the games greatness to emerge.  We will at last be able to eliminate sucky players from Major League Baseball.  Curt Schilling, the future Hall of Fame pitcher lives in constant fear and uncertainty when it comes to congratulating his teammates with a slap on the behind.  Schilling states “I’ll pat guys on the ass, and they’ll look at me and go, ‘Don’t hit me there, man.  It hurts’“.  Future love slaps’ will need to be directed in a different location, and doughnut pillows will need to run rampant in ballparks across America.  MLB players will soon be replacing NASCAR drivers as the professional athlete’s with the rawest asses in the entire athletic world.