The Terrible Ten Of College Football: Week Five

Dan BooneSenior Analyst ISeptember 22, 2008

Another week of some truly terrible football was flung upon the fans. Its the time of year when fans can turn feral and futile coaches can be fired. Fear stalks the futile as the alumni turn ugly and fans turn vicious.


This was a Big Ten bye week. A week when the Big Ten played patsies and horridly over matched teams.  Uncle Junior Joe Paterno's Penn State Nittany Lions whacked his pal Al Golden's Temple Owls. The Ohio State Buckeyes, unable to beat the real Trojans of USC, bullied the lesser men of Troy, the Troy Trojans.

The Michigan State Spartans out played and out coached the soon to be Division 1AA Notre Dame Fighting Irish, but who hasn't?

Despite it being Big Ten bye week somehow the Iowa Hawkeyes managed to lose by a point to Dave Wannstedt's hapless Pitt Panthers, Ball State beat up on the bad Indiana Hoosiers, and Idle managed to hold the Michigan Wolverine offense to a 0-0 tie.

The bumbling Big Ten, despite several bye week losses will sadly be absent from this weeks poll. Fear not Big Ten fans, like General MacArthur, they shall return.



1} Syracuse Orange [1-3]

Giving up almost 300 yards passing and recording no sacks against a winless Division 1AA is no way to escape the Terrible Ten. Ex-Orange great Jim Brown said after viewing the Orange that they are so bad he actually gets nauseated just watching them. Join the club Jimmy.

Its rumored beleaguered Oakland Raider Coach Lane Kiffin is interested in the Orange job. Lane must also enjoy being viciously paddled while on the rack on slow Saturday nights.

Who else but an S/M sadist would put up with Weird Al Davis's constant mental and media abuse then flee sunny California for snowy Syracuse to coach a team with no talent in the cupboard?

And vengeful Weird Al is an Orange alum so he would find a way to torment Lane even under the cover of a five feet of Onondaga snow.


2] Rutgers Scarlet Knights  [0-3]

The bloodied Knights of Jersey are so bad they almost stole Syracuse Coach Greg Robinson goat horns. The offense is inept, the poor playing QB is punching his own players, and the Navy's undersized Midshipman marched 94 yards to break the Knights back.

Last year the Rutgers student section nastily mocked the visiting Navy players so maybe the Navy didn't break Rutgers back but just proved they had no spine to start with.


3] West Virginia Mountaineers  [1-2]

The Big East is bad but West Virginia with a lot of players back was supposed to be good. In the Rockies against Colorado they could not pass nor convert short 3rd downs.

Come the silly season clearly confused Mountaineer Head Coach West Virginia Willie Stewart is going to be driving aimless round the country roads of West Virginia wondering why his team isn't in a bowl.

The angry rifle toting, buckskin wearing mascot will be riding shotgun, passing the depressed coach his jug, trying to snipe deer from the moving pickup, and secretly cursing his ill luck in not being somewhere warm for the Holiday Season.


4] Notre Dame Fighting Irish [2-1]

The Irish rushed 22 times for 16 yards. At the post game party they made up ground by having 22 players drink 440 beers then rush the passer.

Sadly the passer was a policeman, not a QB.

Sorry, Charlie Weis denied the laptop illegally in the coaches box was the beginnings of LapGate South Bend style. Instead he said it was just used to order the strippers, beer, and piazza for the post game bash.

"Win or lose," Weis said. "We booze."


5] [Tie] Tennessee Volunteers and UCLA Bruins  [2-4]

Sometimes when two terrible teams meet early in the season, silly fans can be fooled into thinking the winner is actually a good team. The UCLA staff will have time to develop a team, but Tennessee Phil Fulmer is going to be doing the Tennessee Two Step out of the land of Rocky Top.

Listening to the Alum sing...

You put your right foot forward and your left foot back
Start a little wiggle in your sacroiliac
And that's a Tennessee two step they do it on a hardwood floor


6] San Diego State Aztecs [0-3]

Frustrated Coach Chuckling Chuck Long was incensed when Idle, fresh off its tie with mighty Michigan, routed his Aztecs 34-0. Afterwards still angry Long spat "Idle cheats just like Notre Dame."


7] UTAPB [1-5]

The combined programs of UAB and UTEP united to defeat the Alabama State Hornets inspiring SMU coach June Jones to beg to make it Team Trilateral:SMUTAPB.

"SMUT sells." Jones mused. "When The Hawaiian Warriors were the Rainbow Warriors we had such a diverse fan base. Once the rainbow was forced to fade I sadly left. Now I'm all for SMUTAPB, SMUT for short. Imagine the hat sales?" 

SMU officials had no comment.


8] The Not Very Wild West Division [ Hawaiian Warriors, Washington Huskies, Idaho Vandals, Utah State Aggies ] [4-13]

Even the sad sack N.V.W.W. Division is embarrassed that win less Washington Huskies Coach Ty Willingham been outscored 127-51 so far this year.

Fearing isolated Idaho under attack, the blue field boys of Boise State shot the overrated Oregon Ducks down. The Idaho Vandals, asked to seize Utah, were instead brutally beaten by the win-less Utah State Aggies.

Still vaporizing the Vandals does not let a team escape the Terrible Ten. Utah State is here to stay.

The once proud Rainbow Warriors were always baffled by Beavers and Oregon State showed no mercy. A week after whipping the Weber State Wildcats the Warriors were wrangled by the battling Beavers.

Washington State beating up on the Portland State Vikings? Bullies.


9] New Yorsexico or The News

The combined football programs of New York, New Jersey, and the New Mexicos, Yorsexico, surged to some wins this week.

Worried that the Buffalo Bulls might be on the upswing Yorsexico has sent Syracuse's Greg Robinson in an emergency trip across New York State to wreck the Bulls promising defense and slightly dangerous offense.

GRobb is just the man for that job.

The New Mexico Lobos got tapped danced on by Tulsa but the other half of New Mexico, the New Mexico State Aggies, nipped terrible UTABP partner UTEP. Not a  major feat to knock El Paso down the passo but its always a joy when Terrible Ten teams meet.

New Jersey remained winless and polluted, but their looming battle with Syracuse threatens to split Yorsexico forever.


10] South Carolina Gamecocks

The Ole Ball Coach only beating the Wofford Terriers by ten? Shame. When he was a the Big Gator it would have been by a sneering 88.



Congrats to Wild Tommy West and his swinging Memphis Showboats for beating Old Saint Nick State then shouting long distance information, "give me Memphis Tennessee and tell that party not to fire me."


The Florida State Seminoles get a pass because Coach Bobby Bowden was extremely depressed after watching Penn State's Uncle Junior Joe Paterno celebrate gaining a game in All Time Win Showdown, the Great Geezer Throw-down, by break dancing around the Lion locker room.

"How am I ever gonna catch this guy?" Bowden moaned as Wake Forest shut down his Seminoles while Paterno rolled and rapped about gaining a game on his grumpy old man rival.


step to the rhythm of a sho-nuff winner (winner) i been
here before (yo!) i ain't no beginner (word) but i been new
tried and true survival of the fittest yo! brought me through
my crew (talk) we're ready to strike trained for the mission
so believe the hype and sweat it (sweat it) cause you're gonna
regret it the day that you dissed us you'll wish you never met us
you remind me of a real short story one hit record and you
star to bore me get ready cause this is it your crew is
through and we too legit to quit...sang!...

Too legit... Too legit to quit...Too legit... Too legit to quit
Too legit... Too legit to quit...Too legit... Too legit to quit


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