As I watch Tottenham slip to another dismal defeat against a side in the top 4 or in mid-table...or in the bottom 4 for that matter...as I watch Tottenham lose, it is often not the players' thorough ineptitude that irks me but that of another breed entirely.
I'm writing - of course - about football pundits / analysts / experts / whichever other misnomer they go by these days.
These 'experts' (according to whom may I ask?) who tell me that my team is hopeless and that I may as well support the Arsenal or marvel at 'The Berb' rather than cry into my drink for having lost him are the same men who say things like 'He didn't do nothing' and 'that Giovani fella'. These half-wits still insist on pronouncing the names of foreign players as if they had been born in Hackney Marsh themselves - West Ham's 'dee michewl. Give me a break!
Just what do these 'analysts' analyse? 'It was a game of two halves', 'After they scored the fourth there was no coming back for the away side'. Strange that!
It isn't just their one-a-penny hackneyed observations - but also the inter-pundit 'banter' at half-time and full-time - that makes us want to tear what little hair we still have out. Mark Lawrenson's sarcastic 'not', Lineker's apparently endearing 'old codger' insinuations. It's harmless but can they not save us the bother and just do what they're paid for - insightful analysis of 90 minutes of football?
I know that it's all too easy for me to be critical of the Lawrensons, Hansens, Linekers and Wrights of this world from the comfort of my armchair. I do not pretend that I am an acute footballing saveur (even if I may think that throwing the odd French word into my article elevates my writing above that of others) but I am surely not alone in praying that someone has put some extra-strong laxatives into Mr. Wright's glass of water as he starts waking lyrical about his beloved Arsenal or his extraordinarily talented adopted son.
While Martin O'Neil and David Moyes may not possess some of the charisma of Wright, they make us at least think twice about popping off for a pint or boiling the kettle as the half-time whistle blows.
Setanta, Sky Sports, ITV, BBC - we have not filled your coffers just to have our intelligence insulted by know-it-alls feeding us endless cliches and stating the obvious. Footballers are not the most intelligent breed of sportsmen admittedly but there must better options out there...somewhere!
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