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You asked for it, you're getting it! The BleacherReport.com Lou Holtz quote extravaganza! 15) "I can't believe that God put us on this earth to be ordinary...

Top 15 Funniest Lou Holtz Quotes

by Ben Weixlmann (Senior Writer)

67

10,575 reads

Rankings/List

September 19, 2008


You asked for it, you're getting it! The BleacherReport.com Lou Holtz quote extravaganza!

15) "I can't believe that God put us on this earth to be ordinary."

So you don't believe in God, Lou?

14) "If what you did yesterday seems big, you haven't done anything today."

Huuuuh? Lou, you confuse me.

13) "Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you respond to it."

Why not 95 percent response? Where did you get this data, Sweet Lou?

12) "No one has ever drowned in sweat."

Uh, thanks for the information, big fella.

11) "On this team, we're all united in a common goal: to keep my job."

Well isn't that something for motivation...

10) "When all is said and done, more is said than done."

That's because all you do is talk, Lou.

9) "Don't tell your problems to people: eighty percent don't care; and the other twenty percent are glad you have them."

Where did that get you when recruiting, Lou?

8) "It's not the load that breaks you down - its the way you carry it."

I'm kind of curious what he meant by this one. Does Lou need a diaper?

7) "You'll never get ahead of anyone as long as you try to get even with him."

Good in principle, but I think it just sounds pretty idiotic before you think about the real meaning.

6) "The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely the one who dropped it."

I don't think I've ever heard a player complain about the way a ball bounced, but that's just me.

5) "Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated."

Lou is just so motivating!!!

4) "I bet you went on one date and wanted to get married."

What if Mark May wanted to get married, is that really so bad?

3) "I asked you to pack your headgear and shoulder pads, but more importantly your defense and your kicking game, because that's what wins game like this."

Wait, I thought having your headgear won games?

2) "He had shoulder surgery on his elbow."

Yes, he actually said this. Check it out!

1) "They say a tie is like kissing your sister. I guess that is better than kissing your brother."

How would you know, Lou? Have you tried doing it?

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67 comments Last one added 8 months ago — Leave a Comment

  1. Chris Radez 9 months ago

    "2) "He had shoulder surgery on his elbow.""

    LOL ... that one had me cracking up.

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  2. Ben Weixlmann 9 months ago

    I know, you should check out that video for evidence! It's unreal how dumb this man is!

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  3. Ryan Staab 9 months ago

    Still, I'd rather listen to him than Mark May ;)

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    • Ben Weixlmann 9 months ago

      Honestly? I think May actually puts in some decent insight. Lou is just...well, Lou.

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    • Ryan Staab 9 months ago

      Keep in mind I'm saying this as a fan of the Buckeyes, whom Mark May (and Trev Alberts before him) hate with a passion. Its not so much that May hates Ohio State, its his arrogance about his hatred that bugs me: As if Ohio State never was and never will be an elite football team.

      At times, Lou looks like he doesn't know what the hell he's doing on television, but (at least to me) he doesn't project the same type of smugness/arrogance in his analysis that May is known for.

      And it may be my "aw shucks" midwestern upbringing fueling my train of thought here. I like the quotes though, Lou is to college football what Yogi Berra is to major league baseball.

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    • Kristofer Green 9 months ago

      Mark May is awful!! He is the most smug, arrogant "broadcaster" working today. The sound of his voice is like nails on a chalkboard!

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    • Kristofer Green 9 months ago

      And at least Lou is entertaining to listen to. The way Mark May rolls his eyes and dismisses everything the man says is too much. Lou may say some dome things, but I would bet anyone a dollar he knows much more about football than Mark May.

      By the way, Great list Ben ;)

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    • Robert 9 months ago

      Mark May is the same way about the Bulldogs.

      I submit Exhibit A as evidense: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJXR7QSWey0

      Mark's quick to point out Lou Holtz's mistakes, but acts like he's never been wrong about anything.

      He just rides USC's record and hates on everybody else.

      Dr. Lou sounds like the voice of reason a lot of the time. He's got some serious Arkansas/Notre Dame/South Carolina bias. Other than that, he's not all that bad. And that's coming from a Georgia fan.

      Is there somebody better? Probably.

      Look on the brightside...at least it's not Desmond Howard on the desk every Saturday.

      But, you'd think that ESPN could find somebody with a little more cred than "Off the Mark" May.

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    • Ben Weixlmann 9 months ago

      I suppose so. May is absolutely arrogant, but I think he provides better insight than does Lou.

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  4. 12 9 months ago

    I liked the "shoulder surgery on his elbow" best. Great stuff again Ben.

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  5. Jeff Kneis 9 months ago

    That is exactly what I was looking for. The only reason I like that Lou Holtz is on TV because every time he speaks, there is always something hilarious he says.

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    • Ben Weixlmann 9 months ago

      Exactly! The ESPN people must love how he boosts ratings!

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    • Mitch at sportschatplace.com 9 months ago

      Lou Holtz is TV because he has an "evangelical" following.
      Maybe we should walk Ben through each of these and explain how if maybe he took the advice of half of them he may be better than he is in just about every area.
      For instance #11) What Lou is saying here is that if your play or performance is sub par and that sub par performance may cause me to lose my job I am going to find someone else who is going to make me look good. I use this in my office every day both in my relationship with the President of the company (my job is to make him look good to our clients) and with the people who report to me (make me look good to the President). etc.

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    • Ben Weixlmann 9 months ago

      No kidding, Mitch. You act like I'm a freaking two-year-old. But honestly, who says that to their football team?

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    • Mitch at sportschatplace.com 9 months ago

      Maybe a guy who has won a National Championship and has rebuilt mor programs then you've ever even watched, that's who.

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  6. Joe Willett 9 months ago

    Hilarious here, Lou Holtz is hilarious, and so is this article...hilarious

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  7. Nino Colla 9 months ago

    Ben I almost sort of hate you for spreading the awfulness that is Lou Holtz's broadcasting career around.

    But, then I realized.. You are just giving me more of a reason to put my television on what I like to call super mute when he comes on the screen. If you need to know what "super mute" is just check the ground outside my bedroom window.. Watch where you step though.

    In all seriousness... I didn't think I could hate him as much as I do, but then I saw him on last night with an Ohio State cap. I was wrong.

    What I'm trying to say is.... Lou Holtz sucks.. But I think you established that with your list.. So I'm going to shut up now before I do something I might regret to my wall.

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  8. Daniel Howie 9 months ago

    Lou is like a grandpa for college football analysis: He's great at telling stories, he actually does have some knowledge, but he doesn't always realize what is coming out of his mouth. Speaking of which, he has WAY too much confidence in the Irish.

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  9. ss 9 months ago

    Lou is one funny mo-fo.

    Lou has more football knowledge in his big toe than Mark May will ever have. I have a feeling Mark lacked parental guidance as a boy. He is extremely disrespectful.

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    • Ben Weixlmann 9 months ago

      I think Rece Davis should just speak on behalf of every single one of them. Just how Chris Fowler should speak on behalf of Lee Corso.

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  10. Lisa Horne 9 months ago

    We should start a Jesse Palmer quote fest. Last night, he said, after a receiver dropped the ball...."he makes that catch, 10 out of 10 times." D'oh!

    (Canadian math)

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  11. Monica Witzig 9 months ago

    My vote's for no. 2.

    I once heard Holtz compared to Joe Paterno. No way...

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  12. Steven Resnick 9 months ago

    Thats why you don't put a mic in front of the coach. They don't make much sense now do they? Personally I think Lou Holtz is funny. Sure the quotes may not make sense to us, but he probably knows what they mean. Well I hope he knows what he means. I like number 2 that's funny.

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  13. J.C. Ayvazi 9 months ago

    Hey Ben -

    Just for the record - I didn't ask for this. No sane Trojan fan would.

    Any time Granny opens her mouth in studio, it's time to change the channel. If Lou is doing color for a game, it's time for mute & tunes.

    When the USC band plays "Conquest", in the second half of the song, the Trojan fans will give several "woo-woo's". I throw in at least one "(intercourse) Lou", a little tradition I started in the afterglow of the last game Lou coached against USC, an overtime victory for the Trojans at the Coliseum.

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  14. Steven Resnick 9 months ago

    Why hasn't anyone written an article on the worst announcer/broadcaster/analyst on ESPN and that is Bill Walton.

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  15. Caleb Fish 9 months ago

    another great article, My favorite is #9. this man is so helpless.

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  1. Nicolas 9 months ago

    What a surprise. Trojan fans don't like Lou! Because he OWNED you.

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  2. Thomas 9 months ago

    haha, funny

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  3. Mitch at sportschatplace.com 9 months ago

    Lou Holtz gets paid about $100,000 an appearance for public speaking and his foundation and the work they do have a strong presence in just about every philanthropic community in the country, this probably includes the one you live in.

    how this means he doesn't believe in God makes no sense to me at all:
    15) "I can't believe that God put us on this earth to be ordinary."

    Like I said he earns millions giving motivational speeches (on the other hand, I am thinking of taking a collection here to pay you to stop writing about college football) and what he is saying here is that you should always push yourself to the next level because that is God's plan.

    I know you don't believe in this but like Holtz or don't like him he does and has done some amazing things.

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    • Mitch at sportschatplace.com 9 months ago

      By the way, it isn't that some of Lou's comments aren't funny, they are. Your comments aren't funny.
      I don't see how your add to the Mark May married thing is funny.
      you are off the mark on #5 as well, he talks about eliminating those who aren't part of the solution. You have put together some miserable stuff over the past several months but this one may exceed all of them.

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    • Ben Weixlmann 9 months ago

      I'm glad you feel that way. You just love bringing people on this site down. You have no desire whatsoever to boost B/R in any way shape or form.

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    • Ben Weixlmann 9 months ago

      The reason I put something about May in the comment was because Lou made that comment to Mark May...it's not just mindless jabber, Mitch.

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    • Mitch at sportschatplace.com 9 months ago

      May is married , your comments aren't funny. you are sad individual.

      Now you are speaking for me? Please, you can't even speak for yourself. I give all original content, no the mindless crap you spew. you're a joke as a journalist.

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  4. Doug Kraus 9 months ago

    You have to laugh at Lou. Every Saturday on ESPN he opens up his big yap and says a little something insightful and a whole lot of gobbledy gook (sorry to throw in such a technical term). I think his melon is getting a bit soft in his upper years.

    Mark May might be an arrogant Buckeye hater, but all that is redeemed with the looks he gives Lou. I tune in every Saturday just on the outside chance he finally snaps and actually strikes the old guy. The two of them together make Corso look like a college professor.

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  5. Tim Pollock 9 months ago

    Not sure why Lou Holtz has become such a mindless idiot to so many people.

    Mitch beat me to it, but Lou is in demand all over the country. It's not just because he's goofy and that the people who hire him are hoping for a funny comment. As Mitch pointed out, Holtz is a great motivator and is very intelligent.

    I happen to think several of these are excellent quotations. This seems like more of a cheap shot, as if all of us haven't slipped up and said something accidentally.

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  6. Sebastian 9 months ago

    I enjoy the quotes and I think Holtz + USC's John McKay have some of the best quotes going,
    but I think the sophomoric commentary detracts from the article.

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  7. matthew adreasen 9 months ago

    Does Mark May have a lisp? Lou Holtz for PRES. Dr. Lou is the funniest thing I have seen in a time.

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  8. Ryan Gemmell 9 months ago

    hahah man i love quotes from dumb coaches

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  9. College Football Fanatic 9 months ago

    10) "When all is said and done, more is said than done."

    That's because all you do is talk, Lou.

    That one had me cracking up.

    2) "He had shoulder surgery on his elbow."

    Best one by far.

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  10. KC Warrior 9 months ago

    Those quotes are great ..and most of the time Lou is being funny. What is really, really bad are the comments the writer put below them. Wow! Who told that guy he was funny? Really, really bad.

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  11. Edmon 9 months ago

    I have to agree with Mitch and Tim, most of these quotes aren't funny, but actually make sense. The one you do have that's funny is No. 2.

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  12. Nic Gulas 9 months ago

    I wish I could find evidence of the time he referred to Auburn as "The University of Auburn." Apparently, Lou doesnt recognize that people use AU when referring to Auburn for a reason.

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    • Mike O'Brien 9 months ago

      Just like I constantly have to hear about "Notre Dame University" or see "NDU". Apparantly much of the world doesn't recognize that they use UND for a reason. But then, Auburn IS much more famous globally than Notre Dame....

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  13. Bob Cunningham 9 months ago

    the only one that was funny was number 2. that was just dumb.

    but the rest of them seemed to have a legitimate reason behind them and a lot of insight.

    making a mockery of the greatest college coach of all time is funny now?

    missed that.

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  14. Kristin Nicole 9 months ago

    Ok so I know it's been said already but.............

    Lou Holtz is a joke.
    He might have been good in his time, but come on now. I don't have the link, but he said that Notre Dame was poised to have an 11 win season this year. 11. Come on now...

    My friends and I have a Lou Holtz impersonation contest every Saturday. The one with the best lisp and senseless one-liners wins. It's entertaining to say the least.

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  15. Daniel Rose 9 months ago

    Love it! Great read

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  1. SSIRISH 9 months ago

    I stumbled across this blog and the following comments and I am shocked. You guys don't get it - you don't get Lou...the man is brillant!

    What is it Ben?? Is the man "dumb" or a "great football mind" -- don't think you can be both. Most of you are ND haters who couldn't call anything about ND or ND coaches/players bias if you life depended on it.

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  2. Joseph 8 months ago

    I'm so sorry that you feel the way you do about Lou Holtz. For someone with his speech impedement to have become one of the most sort after motivational speakers in the country, says a lot for the content and wisdom he espouses. He is certainly not the most physically imposing person to look at, neither is he one of the most erudite. Clearly then, there is something to be said about the brilliance of his motivation if he has become as successful as he is. I guess your finding fault with his list is merely a reflection of your dislike for him, because, if the truth be told, the list makes a lot of sense.

    Also, just a word of advice to Kristofer. If you're going to accuse a man of saying "dome" things, at least spell it right so that you appear to be somewhat more intelligent than the one your criticizing. To save you a trip to the dictionary, the word is spelt "dumb."

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