As the 2010-11 NFL season comes to a close, fans across the globe are left to wonder,
“What will become of our men of muscle next season? Will there even be a next season? Will we be treated to 16, 18, or None-Teen games? Say, what in the hell is a lockout anyway? Sounds scary.
"Are NFL players going to be trapped in a roller rink or YMCA gymnasium somewhere, telling ghost stories and having Mountain Dew drinking contests till their mom’s pick them up the next morning? Seriously, does my ass look fat in these jeans?”
Well, that’s a lot of wondering…
While HTMS can’t answer all of these questions, it is safe to say that a) your ass looks HUGE in those jeans (which is fine by us), and 2) we’ll do our best, as journalists, to uncover some answers.
HTMS caught up with some of your favorite American footballers to find out what they would do in the event of a lockout next season.
“I’m playin’. I…I don’t care. I’m not going out like I did. Fix that roof, send me a plane on down here to Mississippi, and lets win another Super Bowl. We’re playin’. You’ll see. If I decide to come back, everyone else will figure it out.
There gonna have to, simple as that. I don’t care. I’m playin’, they’re playin', I’m winnin’, they’re losing, then I’m done. It’d be my last season and it would be kick-ass.
"Everybody would love it. Fox would love it cuz they love me and, well, I love them, too. We’ve loved each other since the ‘90’s. I’d name my son Fox if I had one. Fox Wrangler Favre.
"What’s that? If THAT don’t work? Guess I’ll try and get on Entourage or somethin’. I’d be kick-ass on that show. Fit right in with the guys…”
“Well, you’ve reached his grandmother. Yes. I will tell him that you are trying to reach him, Mr. Sports. Do not call this number again. I don’t speak for Tony. What’s that? Well, I never! Good DAY, sir.”
“Look, I’m gonna need to call you back. There’s, like, 15 dudes waiting for the pay phone in here. I’m supposed to say no comment to everything so…I guess that’s what I’ll be doing. No commenting.”
“Look, I’m gonna need to call you back. There’s, like, 15 dudes waiting for the pay phone up in here. I’m supposed to say no comment to everything so…alright, you got a sec? Cool? Alright.
"I’m gonna put out a line of sweatpants that have a gun holster built up in that bitch. So, like, when you’re at the club, right? And you wanna go strapped, but still wanna rock your club sweatpants? Boom.
"Wait, nah, not like BOOM. No boom. More like POW without the band, or whatever. I dunno. I’m an idea man, not some ad dude or whatever. Got a business plan and all that, got my people on it, so its all good.
"Fruit of the Loom is down. We have a meeting next week up in here. Look out for Plax Slacks.”
“What’s an HTMS. Is that some kinda bank? You got the wrong number, brah…”
“What’d Peyton say? Probably whatever he’s up to.”
“I’m gonna do a pretty dawgone funny commercial with Justin Timberlake, where we’ve got these funny glasses on and he’s like, “What’s with this T.V. set? Is it 3-D?” and I’m all like, “Guess.”, and I whip a football real good at his noggin.
"But then, like, aww, get this, like, before the ball’s about to take his block off, Piers Morgan comes outta nowhere, right? And he pauses the 3-D T.V. and like, Justin says something that, gosh-honestly, is gonna make you cry you’ll laugh so hard.
"Piers didn’t laugh, but I don’t think that dude laughs much. Then, probably golf with Justin a bit. Maybe have a kid. Watch some Netflix. I’ve got plans. It’s gonna be good to sort of separate myself from old Saturday for a while.”
“Gonna sit down and read Kendra’s book. It’s called Heading into home or Stealing Away Home From…its good, good book. I’m gonna really, really read it. Again. Read it again.”
Now, let’s find out what some NFL fans from around the country plan on doing with their football-free Sundays, Monday nights, six to eight Thursday nights, and playoff Saturdays.
Alex Barmishkan – Plumber
“You got a cigarette? No? Pound salt, jerk-wad.”
Rachael Lupe – Auto Mechanic
“CFL maybe? I dunno. I try not to think about it. Depressing. Anyway, you’re belts are shot, Mr. Sports. I got nobody that can do this till tomorrow morning, so you got somebody that can pick you up or are you renting?”
Pete Peterson – Used Car Salesman and Member of the Indianapolis Colts Chain Gang
“If they're takin’ scab players, well then, I gotta ask ya, what’s got two thumbs, doesn’t work on Sundays, since the dealership is closed, and played a mean-ass defensive end in middle school.
"That thing, or person, rather, is PP the Sack Machine, BABAH!”
Jim Racine – Comedian
“Ok, ok, so, uh…RIGHT! Yes, so, you know BLONDES, right? Duhyoiyoiyoi. Huh HA! So, so…nice fella, takes this blondie out to her first football game, ok? And they’re walkin out of there and the fella asks her, “What’d ya think about the game, honey?”, and the blondie goes, “HEE HEE! GEE! Uh, Golly, I sure did like it and all, but it’s just a shame, all those big brutes beating each other up over twenty-five cents.”
"And, the fella, he’s asks the blondie…HA! Ok, ok…he goes, er um, he asks her, “Honey, what do you mean over twenty-five cents?” And the blondie says, “Well, all they kept screamin’ was GET THE QUARTERBACK! GET THE QUARTERBAHAHAHAHAHACK!” Get it? Awww so good, so good. What was the question?”
Jamie Feller – Prostitute
“I don’t do lockouts. That’s how I broke my hip.”
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