Michael Cole: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!!!!!!!! IT IS ELECTRIC HERE IN ANYTOWN, USA, AND WELCOME TO THE LONGEST- RUNNING WEEKLY EPISODIC TELEVISION SHOW!!!!!!!! MONDAY NIGHT RAW!!!!!!!! ANOTHER CHANCE TO SEE THE MIZ!!!!!!!!! ISN'T IT SO EXCITING, JERRY!?!??!!!?!?!?!?!!?
Jerry "The King" Lawler: Umm...yeah. I can't wait.
MC: OH MY GOD HERE HE COMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(cue Miz music, as Cole gives standing ovation.)
The Miz: I am the WWE champion. I am the best ever. I am the greatest thing since sliced bananas. And IIIIIIIIIII'MMMMMMMMMMMMM...AAAAAAWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEE--
(cue Cena music, and children screaming)
John Cena: You aren't awesome! You're just a piece of cra...ckers! You can shut the f...ront door! You can kiss...your mom! This is the best cursing I can do on PG! Yippee!
Miz: Well, I carry around a briefcase to hit people with! Actually, I don't need to carry it, because my manservant does it for me!
Alex Riley: Yeah, you heard that, you mot...h ball! Go..shdarnit, I'm doing it too!
Miz: Do YOU have a manservant, Cena?
JC: Well, I peed in Wade Barret's coffee once...and then I became his manservant...never mind.
Miz: SEE? YOU'RE NOTHING, CENA! BECAUSE I'M THE MIZ! AND IIIIIIIIIII'MMMMMMMMMMMMM...AAAAAAWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEE--
(GM Mail Noise)
MC: MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE! I HAVE JUST RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM THE GENE--
JC: We know you have an e-mail! Just read it! Seriously, what is your--
MC: AND I QUOTE!!!: "Do you want a match with Miz, Cena? Do you really want it? Well guess what? You will be fighting...SHEAMUS! HA-HA, loser! "
(cue Nexus music. The Nexus proceed to beat up everyone, including Jerry Lawler. Unsurprisingly, they let Michael Cole be.)
CM Punk:I AM STRAIGHT EDGE! AND I AM THE ONLY AWESOME ONE! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
(First Match: Ted DiBiase w/ Maryse vs Someone You Haven't Seen In A Million Years Because They Were Sent Back To FCW When ECW Got Cancelled, herein known as "Vance Archer.")
Vance Archer: I...WILL...CRUSH YOU!
(Approximately 8.7 seconds later)
Maryse: Ugh! You no good! Je t'aime de toute façon, si, parce que vous êtes riche et que j'aime l'argent! (Author's note: Google Translate it!)
(Second Match: The only tag team match that WWE can come up with)
Santino: We beat the Usos! Yay! We haven't fought them in the last 26 hours! It's like we've never fought them before! (receives passionate kiss from Tamina)
(Third Match: Jobber vs Daniel Bryan/John Morrison. GUESS WHO WINS.
Fourth Match: Divas match. Entire WWE Universe goes to restroom, so nobody finds out who wins, or even who was competing in the first place. Nobody really cares, anyways, so no harm, no foul.
Fifth Match: Main Event. Even fight until 8 minutes in...)
MC: VINTAGE CENA! VINTAGE SHEAMUS! VINTAGE COLE!
JL: Will you shut up already?
MC: VINTAGE KING!
(Miz interferes with the briefcase, distracting the ref as Sheamus hits "The Irish Curse" on Cena, and wins the match.)
MC: VINTAGE MIZ! YAAAAAAAY MIZ!
(John Cena proceeds to AA everyone in the ring)
MC: OH MY GAWD! VINTAGE CENATION! YAAY! THANK YOU EVERYONE! WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! YAAAAAAAAAY!