OK, first off I must state this: THIS IS A SATIRE AND NONE OF IT IS REAL.
I decided to pull out the crystal ball to predict what is next in the mass confusion that is World Wrestling Entertainment. Like some kind of Jedi, I have deciphered the incoherent storylines and ramblings of WWE to bring you what can only be called SPOILER ALERTS. Here is what we can all look forward to in the future of WWE.
John Cena and the Nexus
The crystal ball says that while this story has been dragged out enough, more is still to come. At Survivor Series they will do another "Screwjob" to Wade Barrett. Cena will then be "fired".
HOWEVER, he will be rehired by the GM. At this point he will fight Wade and crew until Royal Rumble. All the kiddies will cheer when Cena finally stops Wade Barrett.
The Nexus will split like some kind of new-age NWO. You will have Wade Barrett's Nexus: Yellow and Black and David Otunga's Nexus: Back to the Minors. All the while John Cena is likely fighting Randy Orton...again.
The Mystery GM
Through the use of sorcery I have discovered what is to become of Michael Cole's Macbook. The GM will turn out to be someone really disappointing. Maybe Mike Adamle or Chief Morley (Val Venis).
Fans will be irate and boo them like they boo a Byron Leftwich pass to the 16th row of Titans stadium. The GM will try to become some kind of bad guy, like a mini-Vince.
UNTIL (dramatic music) Vince himself returns. Now that he is out of his coma and not making political ads anymore, Vince can come back to bring some structure to his flagship show. Oh boy!
Vince will then start to become BFFs with The Miz. This pairing will help start the NEW Corporation. Who will stop this new evil alliance?
After being buried the Deadman went to get some surgery. As Kane reigns supreme, until Edge beats him, all signs point to a third WrestleMania showdown with Taker. Wait, Nexus attacked him for some reason and he needs revenge. Wait, nothing about the Nexus makes sense so they will forget about it.
Wait, Undertaker wants Brock Lesnar. Wait, Kevin Nash wants Undertaker. With all of these opponents wanting a piece of the Phenom, Teddy Long comes up with a masterful plan. At WrestleMania it will be: Undertaker vs. Kane vs. Nash vs. Lesnar vs. Barrett vs. Pete Rose!
As the 5 men do battle (Brock Lesnar isn't allowed to play because he might get hurt, so he just stands there or lays on the ground most of the time), they exchange blow after epic blow.
All of the men do their finisher to the undefeated Undertaker but they all want to be the one to pin him. As they all battle, Pete Rose slides in to get the 3-count....PETE ROSE WILL END THE UNDERTAKER'S STREAK! He truly is a legend.
Randy Orton will hold onto the title until WrestleMania. Until, he goes up against John Cena and obviously loses. Maybe, just maybe after all this they can be friends. Nope, they have to battle it out on six more PPVs after 'Mania ending in either Orton being injured or Cena winning. Either way, Cena wins, because that's how it always works out.
World Heavyweight Championship
Well, Edge will win at Survivor Series and again at the rematch at TLC. Edge will retain at the Rumble but the winner of the Rumble, Christian, steals the show.
Just like in Smackdown vs. Raw 2011, it appears that they have become friends again, or are they brothers? Nobody knows! Christian decides to battle Edge at WrestleMania and loses, because Vince doesn't like him for going to TNA.
The match will likely be a mundane PG-Rated TLC match. We may even get a 5-Second Pose out of this...for the benefit of those of you with flash photography.
This is what will happen in the future, I have foreseen it. Although I am not quite sure how Pete Rose fits into the whole Undertaker thing. Maybe they can sub him out for Freddie Prinze, Jr.
I welcome constructive comments, so feel free to leave your thought or further predictions!
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