Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Chicago @ Carolina (+3)
Julius Peppers returns to his old stomping grounds in Charlotte, where he was one of the most feared defensive ends in the game, at least when he wanted to be.
Now Peppers, like Jay Cutler, is wreaking havoc for the Bears, and plans to do the same against Carolina's rookie quarterback Jimmy Clausen.
"After nine sacks on Jay Cutler last week," Peppers said, "this is probably the only time I can honestly say 'I wish I was still a Panther.'"
But Cutler had a half he'd like to forget, and luckily, he probably will, if the effects of his concussion have any compassion. Cutler just needs to relax and get back to the basics of quarterbacking. And I think the most basic basis of quarterbacking is throwing the ball. If officials could flag a quarterback for holding, Cutler would have seen more flags than the United Nations.
The 0-4 Panthers nearly upset the Saints in New Orleans last week, but fell on a late field goal. Now, Carolina occupies last place in the NFC South, behind the Falcons, Saints, and Bucs with one loss apiece.
"We're at the bottom all by ourselves right now," John Fox said. "It's just like two Carolina Panther cheerleaders said when they found a quiet toilet stall for a romantic rendezvous, 'Alone at last.' Never has porcelain been so sexy."
Now, you've probably heard that Dwayne Jarrett has been released and Steve Smith is out with an injury. Jarrett was arrested for the second time for driving while impaired. Apparently, he refused the Breathalyzer, but we found him guilty of 'blowing' nonetheless.
It all leaves us thin at wide receiver. Honestly, I couldn't tell you who our top wide receiver will be for Sunday's game. Maybe someone will surprise us, by popping out of a car trunk."
Peppers displays the unbelievable athleticism he's known for and sacks Jimmy Clausen three times. He also collects an interception, and Panthers fans witness something they haven't seen from Peppers in years: effort.
Chicago wins, 19-9.