Tom Brady and His Lovable Band of The Patriotic Scoring Bandits

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Tom Brady and His Lovable Band of The Patriotic Scoring Bandits
Jim Rogash/Getty Images
Wes approves, as the robot uprising continues

The androids are replicating...

...But we'll talk about that more later. For now, it's all about scoring! Last night, in front of millions of Monday Night Football fans until about six minutes into the third quarter (at which point most had fallen asleep in the bean dip), the Patriots "played" against the Miami Dolphins. I put played in quotes because what they did was more akin to slaughter; ritual sacrifice; cold-blooded murder. It's a good thing that Miami has only seven fans left (three of which are Dan Marino), or there would be some serious gnashing of teeth at the beaches today.

It didn't look like a slaughter from the start, though. Miami jumped out to an early lead and held that lead, finishing the first half with a 7-6 advantage. Then, in the locker room, Belichick floated into the room on a swirling cloud of fury, gave the team a penetrating stare of disappointment without speaking a word, and the team knew immediately what they had to do if they ever wanted to see their loved ones alive again. Picking up their helmets, they rushed out onto the field, knees still trembling with terror, and proceeded to score in every conceivable way. Literally.

The scored on the pass and the rush. The scored on a 51-yard interception return and on a 103-yard kickoff return. The even scored on a blocked punt. I think at one point, Belichick was credited with a safety. By the fourth quarter, the Patriots were trying very hard not to score, and were still accidentally scoring. It was truly a sight to behold.

And all this scoring happened while Tom Brady, still looking gorgeous even with hair that continues to grow despite the very real risk of dandruff, only had one touchdown pass, a little 11-yard reception to the illegitimate replication of Wes Welker, Danny Woodhead. He is only four feet, two inches tall, but Wes is very proud of the little circuit-board and has high hopes for the future. Or at least he would, if robots could comprehend hope.

In the end, the Patriots would score 41 points to the Dolphins 14, bringing their season record to 3-1. And they did all this without Moss accruing so much as a single yard (although he did finally catch that elusive monarch for his terrarium). I think at one point he was actually playing left tackle, but he might just have gotten lost on his way to the concession stand.

Next week, the Patriots are going to be squaring off against no one, because the league, in a shocking oversight, has chosen to give them a bye-week. I can only hope that the Vikings-Jets game is exciting enough on its own merit, because I truly cannot decide what I want more: the Jets to lose, or Favre to eat Rex Ryan. Maybe the stars will align and I will get to see both.

NOTES: Faulk continues to be injured, despite the very real risk that someone with no medical training might appear in the night and try to fix him. Also, Brady hasn't been run-over in well over two weeks now, which is always a bonus, especially for Audi dealerships.

Until next time, remember to never let Favre into your home. He can only come in if you invite him, and he will surely make a mess of your living room rug if you do.

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