Roger Federer Consults

Roger Federer. We all know him as a tennis legend. An exemplary sportsman. Sublime talent on the courts. By all accounts a great guy, a good husband and father. Widely acknowledged as the greatest tennis player of all time. Broken almost every tennis record in existence and demolished opponents with unbelievable ease. Doing it all with a grace that has raised the bar for all tennis players who follow in successive generations. Muhammad Ali, Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Roger Federer.

So what's next for Federer? A Self-Help book? A Talk Show? Will he buy a sports team? Memoirs? A Cooking Show? Guest Appearances on "American Idol"? 

Or is Roger ready to Ascend to another Plane, to continue to improve his game and become the Zen Master? There are many steps to his ascension, many roadblocks to overcome to reach the top of the mountain. 

Lets see who Roger may ask for help with his game . . .

Federer Seeks Help From Jedi Master Annacone

"Long way you have come, Padawan Federer. Seek you to be instructed in the ways of the Force?"

Federer: "Yes, Master Annacone. I have conquered the Tennis Galaxy, and I am young and believe I can be trained."

"But Federer. Already 3000 years old you are. Young be you NOT!"

Federer: No! It's not true! I am only 29! I still have a few good years left!

"Be this some Jedi Mind Trick? Your arms look frail. Your face gaunt. Or have you in battle met with Darth Nadal? . . .Yes, mighty he is, and his dominion is spreading. But you may yet prevail. Train you I will."

Federer: Thank you. I will try. The Force will help me overcome the Dark Lord.

"There is no try! Only DO, or DO NOT!"

Federer: Yes Master.

Federer Consults A Kung Fu Legend

"Why have you come here? To learn the Tao of Nadal Mastery?"

Federer: I believe that I can learn the Tao.

"It is said that the Tao that can be understood is not the Eternal Tao. Nadal Mastery does not come easy. But we will train. You must strengthen those skinny arms!"

Federer: I swear I haven't lost any weight! My arms are still strong. I will get stronger.

"Hmmm. . .(look of dismay) Arms like chopsticks, but we will train. You must learn inner peace and mental strength to block out all distractions- Mirka, Toni Nadal and his signals, Rafa's cold-blooded stare. Everything! I will also teach you the double nunchaku as a bonus.

Federer: Thank you Sensei.

Federer Consults the Eternal Optimist

"Hey dude. Howzit going?"

Federer: Dude? Aren't you the Dalai Lama?

"Sorry, just working on my street lingo. Gotta relate to the younger guys."

Federer: So you're saying I'm young? Finally, someone recognizes I'm only 29."

"You are young. You are indomitable. You are grace and vitality personified. Everything is possible for you."

Federer: What about the Big Hitters. They're like a pack of snarling dogs chasing me for my crown. Berdych, Soderling, Isner, Querrey, even Murray thinks he has a shot at me.

"Our prime purpose in life is to help others. And if we can't help them, at least don't hurt them."

Federer: But on the tennis court I want to annihilate them.

"Hmmmm. . .this will take some work. Here, take a flower. We will talk later."

Federer Consults His Army of Disciples

Meanwhile, at Federer Headquarters, Roger surveys his legions of disciples. His Lieutenant approaches. . .

"Sensei Federer. Your army is ready. Anyone who speaks against you, we will crush them. You are perfect in every way. All will fall before you, even the Barbarian Nad-"

Federer: Silence! That Name will not be spoken here! Though he rules over more than half my kingdom, he shall fall!

Scared Underling: But Sensei Federer, word has come that he is on his way here at this very moment. The rumors say that he is 20 feet tall, with bulging muscles, and swings a mighty tennis racquet the size of a tree trunk!

Federer: No! He has followed me across clay and grass, and into the hard courts, but this is my last stronghold. This is my domain!

All Disciples at Once: "Yes Sensei Federer!"

Federer Consults Gandalf the Grey Wizard

Gandalf: Pilgrim Federer, why do you trouble me? I go now into the West to the Grey Havens. My work here is done.

Federer: "But you have defeated the Balrog, a great creature of Shadow and Flame, with a Whip of Fire."

Gandalf: Do you seek my help to defeat a foe then?

Federer: "I also seek to slay such a creature, of Shadow and Flame, who wields his tennis racquet like a Whip of Fire, and commands an army of goblin-like minions. None can stand before him."

Gandalf: Here. Take my Staff. I will no longer have need of it. Strike it on the hard courts at Flushing Meadows and the court will crumble beneath the Balrog. . . .er, Nadal, and he will fall into the pit and never recover.

Federer: "Thank you Gandalf."

Federer the Zen Master

Back at Federer HQ, Zen Master Roger accepts those who journey to his mountaintop temple seeking wisdom. . .

Worshipper: So what now Master? You've defeated the Nadal and-

Federer: "Silence! I told you not to speak his name! . . .Sorry, lost it there for a moment. . .What do you seek?

Worshippers: What will you do now Sensei? 

Federer: "My work here is finished. Those who seek tennis wisdom will come to me and learn. Where I am going now, you cannot come."

Worshippers: What do you mean, where you are going now we cannot come? Are you going to Ascend?

Federer: "No, I'm going to use the restroom. That's why you cannot come. That's my time."

Worshippers: May you stay with us always. Let us bow lower still . . ."All Hail the Federer!  All Hail the Federer!

Federer: "More!   More!   MORE!"

Mirka comes in and shakes Roger: Roger, honey, wake up. You were having a dream. . . .Rafa's coming over in a half-hour. He wants those Grand Slam trophies back that you borrowed from him from 2011 to 2015. . . .