If Chuck Norris Were to Buy the Texas Rangers

Stan SillimanCorrespondent IIAugust 3, 2010

ARCADIA, CA - OCTOBER 25:  Actor Chuck Norris attends the 2003 Breeders' Cup World Thoroughbred Championships hosted by the Oak Tree Racing Association October 25, 2003 at Santa Anita Park in Arcadia, California.  (Photo by Jeff Golden/Getty Images)
Jeff Golden/Getty Images

Here’s the main reason Chuck Norris might purchase the baseball Texas Rangers—to battle Nolan Ryan.

No lie, this is the theory described in the blog “The Common Man” on July 8:  “Chuck and Nolan meet at Rangers Field, battle to a draw where the men collide emitting a mushroom cloud of testosterone to rain down on all Texans forcing everyone, women included, to grow facial hair.” 

I’ve driven around Texas, this may have already happened. But, seriously…wouldn’t Walker, Texas Ranger, be the perfect guy to guide the baseball Rangers out of bankruptcy?

Say he teams up with Mark Cuban or Nolan Ryan, we’d have a competitive team that could round-house-kick its way to the World Series.

Some say the “Washington Senators” moved to Arlington and changed their name just to bask in Chuck Norris’s aura. Who can blame them? Follow the history of the Rangers and you see the Norris influence every step of the way.

When George W. Bush presided over the Rangers, Norris told him to build a new stadium and the citizens will gladly tax themselves. When the Arlington council balked at this idea, Chuck Norris paid them a visit.

Jose Canseco, A-Rod, Sosa, and others shot up so their muscles wouldn’t experience Norris envy in the presence of Chuck. 

The Great Norris has influenced our national pastime for years. He is the reason baseball has no time limit, he doesn’t want one.

We're lucky Chuck doesn't play because when Chuck Norris pulls a groin it’s always someone else’s. Chuck Norris doesn’t steal bases, he takes what is rightfully his.

But there'd be plenty of excitement if Chuck were in the owner's box.

The Blue Angels do a fly by to light Chuck’s cigar.
Now, can you see the benefits of a Norris owned team? Traffic jams will no longer exist because vehicles sharing the same roads as Rangers fans will gladly pull to the shoulders. 

During seventh-inning stretches everyone uses “Total Gyms.”

The celebratory fireworks will just be Chuck blowing smoke rings.

The beer will be Beard Beer sweetened with the earthy aroma of Chuck’s facial hair.

When a late night game threatens to roll over into the next morning, Chuck Norris halts the earth’s rotation so we can finish on the same day we started. Why? Because he wants it that way.

I can see it happening. A-Rod, who is now claiming the Rangers owe him $25 million in deferred compensation, will drop his claim. In return, Chuck Norris will drop his foot.

The banks, who list themselves as secured creditors, drop their claims for the security of having their vault doors remain in one-piece. 

The aura of Chuck Norris will glow over the stadium. The Rangers save a fortune in lighting bills.

If rain threatens to delay the start of a game, Chuck Norris is one phone call away.

I see it as a win-win, just so long as Chuck Norris doesn’t write a column. In one paper Chuck’s column ran next to mine and it was...it was...the best piece of literature ever penned by a mortal person.