The Arizona Diamondbacks are bad.
I mean really bad.
They are 22nd in team batting average, and dead last in team ERA (thanks in large part to the 7.51 ERA of their less-than-outstanding bullpen).
Recently, even Diamondbacks Managing Partner Ken Kendrick apologized for the squad's lack of productivity in an interview with azcentral.com
"When the team is playing as badly as this team is, and we’ve had a consistent period of questionable performance going back into a full season last year and the second half of the ’08 season. You really need to look very broadly at everything and try to objectively determine what kind of changes you really want to make. We’re going to go through that process."
So what can be done to right the ship?
Probably nothing, aside from building for next year.
But hey, that won't stop me from offering up a few poignant suggestions.
1. Bring in Jennie Finch
Like I said before, the D-Backs are dead last in team ERA.
No team is ever going to win when the pitching staff gives up six runs a game.
The University of Arizona softball alumni was a three-time All-American pitcher in college, during which time she threw an astonishing 64 complete game shutouts.
Finch went on to headline the U.S. national team for a number of years, including a 2-0 record and gold medal finish at the 2004 Summer Olympics.
I see a move to the big leagues being a relatively easy transition for the superstar, partly because no batter has ever seen anything like her underhand pitching style before (save for maybe Byung-Hyun Kim's submarine delivery).
If you have read this far and wondered why I haven't mentioned her ridiculously stunning looks yet, this is my acknowledgment of that blatantly obvious perk to the potential signing.
But really, she has to be better than Chad Qualls.
2. Hire John Calipari
It might take $5 million a year, but I think he's worth it.
The man who has taken three different schools to the Elite Eight, or further, is the single best recruiter in the country.
Calipari always gets his guy.
Yes, he may not know much about baseball, but really, is managing that hard?
Not to mention, he'd probably lure the best staff of assistants in the game.
Arizona would immediately become a destination for top-flight free agents, rather than a last resort for aging journeymen.
3. Sign LeBron James
Personally, I'd just give King James a blank check and tell him to write whatever number he wants on it.
Actually, while I were at it, I would sign over the whole state of Arizona to him (it's in complete debt anyways).
The publicity and sheer excitement the King would bring to the Grand Canyon State would be overwhelmingly worth every penny.
Rumors have floated around for years that if James really wanted to, he could be a tight end or wide receiver in the NFL.
So, why not baseball too?
He's certainly athletic enough.
I'm sure if you stuck him in a batting cage for 10 minutes, he'd be hitting big flies in no time.
Stick James in center field, and you've got a perennial Gold Glover as well.
Plus, no catcher in their right mind would try to block the plate with a 6'8", 250-pound locomotive barreling down on them.
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