Wild Free Agent Possibilities That Will Turn the NBA Upside Down (Humor)

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Wild Free Agent Possibilities That Will Turn the NBA Upside Down (Humor)

I have looked into the crystal ball of NBA fandom to see exactly what will happen this summer.

Needless to say, I was shocked to see the NBA landscape change so dramatically, with an unprecedented number of free agents bolting for new teams.

 

Kobe and Phil Go to Chicago

Coming off consecutive championships, Dr. Jerry Buss still plays hard ball with Kobe Bryant on an extension which pisses Kobe off to no end.

Kobe exercises his early termination clause and bolts for Chicago, taking Phil Jackson with him. The Bulls gladly fire Vinny Del Degro (who was always a stop gap measure) and Kobe pairs up with Derek Rose, Luol Deng, and Joakim Noah under the guidance of Phil Jackson to become an Eastern Conference powerhouse for the next three years.

 

LeBron James and Dwayne Wade Team Up in New York

On June 19, 2010, hours after losing to the Lakers in the NBA Finals, LeBron James calls his buddies Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh.

He vows never to lose a championship again.

Ever.

They make a pact to team up for next season, even if it means a massive pay cut. Although they politely listen to all suitors, they plan to sign with the Knicks.

At the last second, Bosh realizes LeBron and Wade will always overshadow him and take the bulk of endorsement money, so he drops out.

LeBron and Wade continue the alley-oop show they began at the All-Star game, dominating the Eastern Conference for the next six years.

 

Chris Bosh to Oklahoma City

Sam Presti has artfully stockpiled young assets, picks, and cap room. He arranges a sign-and-trade with Toronto to pair Chris Bosh and Kevin Durant. The Thunder instantly become contenders for the next eight years.

 

Joe Johnson and Amar'e Stoudemire in Miami

Miami, having lost Wade, goes to plan B.

They sign Amar'e Stoudemire and Joe Johnson. Pat Riley, whose hands are still wet with the blood of Stan Van Gundy, kills Erik Spoelstra during training camp. Police analyze the blood samples and SVG becomes a suspect in the Spoelstra murder.

Riley coaches the Heat for four months while watching Kobe's Bulls and LeBron/Wade's Knicks run away with the conference.

He retires again from coaching and hires assistant coach Bob McAdoo in the interim. Miami locals tip off police to the inevitable McAdoo murder.

 

Carlos Boozer Goes to New Jersey and David Lee to Sacramento

With the top free agents off the market, New Jersey and Sacramento go to plan C and overpay for Carlos Boozer and David Lee, respectively.

Jay-Z pretends to like Boozer and David Lee is glad to be playing in the markedly whiter Sacramento.

 

Clippers Lose...Again

The Clippers hope that their talented nucleus and large market will attract a big time player.

Unfortunately, Donald Sterling sends Blake Griffin as the spokesperson to meet with visiting free agents. He greets them while using crutches, a sad look in his eyes, and slyly passes notes to them that read, "Beware the Clippers Curse!"

No one signs with them.

The Clippers draft Demarcus Cousins with the No. 3 overall pick and he's suspended for violating the NBA's drug policy one game into the preseason. Donald Sterling raises ticket prices by five percent.

 

The Lakers Land T-Mac and Shaq

Dr. Buss freaks out.

He knows his team relies on star power and signs Tracy McGrady and Shaq at discounted prices. Tracy McGrady finally plays a full season and Shaq is motivated one last time by the desire to win a championship on the Lakers without Kobe.

They make it all the way to the Western Conference finals before falling to the Durant/Bosh-led Thunder.

 

The 2011 Finals and Beyond

Kobe's Bulls defeat LeBron/Wade's Knicks in the most watched Eastern Conference finals ever, before Kobe earns his fifth and final championship in six games over the Thunder in the Finals.

However, with Eddy Curry's contract coming off the books, Donnie Walsh is able to fill in the rest of the roster to give Wade and LeBron a legitimate team.

Kobe gets older.

LeBron, Wade, Durant, and Bosh enter their primes.

Donnie Walsh and Sam Presti co-win GM of the year in 2011. The Thunder/Knicks become the NBA's greatest rivalry until 2018.

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