Tiger Woods Speaks: "Tony LaRussa Never Knew"

Bleacher Report has secretely obtained an advance copy of Tiger Wood's prepared statement, which he will give Friday at 11 a.m. from the PGA Tour headquarters in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla.

Some of the more, dare we say, "sexy" comments from Tiger include the following:

• On alleged use of performance enhancing drugs: "Of course I used 'em. Heck, when you have as many skanks as me you need something to boost your performance!
• However, Tiger disputed that the drugs gave him more power to hit the ball further."I truly believe so," Tiger said. "I believe I was given this gift. The only reason I took steroids was for health purposes."
• Meanwhile, in an interview with ESPN's "Baseball Tonight," Tony La Russa said he didn't know Tiger had used steroids until the slugger admitted using performance-enhancing drugs in the phone call to the manager earlier Monday. "I'm really encouraged that he would step forward," La Russa told ESPN. "As we go along his explanations will be well received." 
• In discussing the impact his extramarital affairs have had on his advertising sponsorships, Tiger shrugged and said, "Hey, when one door closes, another one opens. My handlers are calling Trojan right now as we speak."
• As for his thoughts on a planned attempt to derail his press conference from Los Angeles cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs, Tiger said, "Screw her! Wait, that's what got me into this mess in the first place."
• Tiger said he just wanted to focus on playing the game he loves and leaving the past behind. "Can't I just have sex in peace? I mean, really, I am the king of the world...I am Tiger freakin' Woods for cryin' out loud...Sex is the game I know and have played since I was a teen, and that's what I want to get back to. It's all I know."
• As for his reported time in a sex addiction treatment center, Tiger said that "This isn't the first time I've checked myself into a clinic where I'm not allowed to have any sex. It's called "marriage." 
• Tiger also revealed that he was asked to write down in a notebook each and every sexual encounter that took place outside of his marriage. When asked if he experienced any challenges doing that, Tiger said "not enough notebooks."
• What did Tiger enjoy the most about his stay at the clinic? "Hot maids."
• Tiger indicated that he was cured of his addiction by being forced to repeatedly watch sex tapes from former ESPN analyst Steve Phillips's encounter with an intern. "I kept screaming, 'I can't take it anymore,' but they refused to unstrap me."
• Tiger insisted he was in serious need of getting back on the golf course. "I mean, I really miss going in and out of 18 holes a day."  
• Tiger also revealed that he didn't appreciate fellow golfer Phil Mickelson  calling his wife for some tips on beating him. 

And, finally this:

• The golfing sensation admitted it was wrong to wait so long to talk in public, saying "I've never played a lie this poorly."