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Who Put This Jazz Song on Repeat?

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Who Put This Jazz Song on Repeat?
(Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)

The Utah Jazz will open their season Wednesday night in Denver with three players out to injury and two others being game-time decisions.

Where have I heard this before?

Ohhhh, right, last year. Utah began their season with key injuries too, and every single year before that.

I blame Jerry Sloan for working them too hard in the preseason.

I blame Utah's wild nightlife for keeping players from getting offseason appropriate rest.

I blame Malone and Stockton for setting the comparative bar so high.

I blame my parents for allowing me to care about sports.

Early season injuries have never affected overall season performance much, except when Deron "Atlas" Williams went down. Once again he carries the Jazz world on his shoulders. Good thing he's healthy.

When Carlos Boozer took his extended vacation—I mean, was injured—we were introduced to the basketball version of James Brown: Paul Millsap. The hardest working man in the b-ball business actually improved that position for Utah temporarily.

Millsap is healthy except for a mild case of carpal tunnel in his right wrist that he developed last summer from constantly checking his ATM balance in surprised disbelief. Yes, Paul, the check cleared.

Andrei Kirilenko has yet to earn his paycheck in Utah, but at least he's healthy to start this season. All four of his potential backups—Kyle Korver, Matt Harping, C.J. Miles, and Ronnie Brewer—are injured so Andrei better be in shape to play the entire game.

Ronnie Price will play two-guard with a strained hamstring, and probably start. The other guard options are rookies Wes Mathews and Eric Maynor.

Mehmet Okur has been one of the pillars of the Jazz with his outside shooting, relative health, and improving post game. Post defense is still a weakness and Boozer actually makes him worse by getting in the way.

Of all the problems the team has, none will destroy fan support faster than the impending embarrassment and failure of the rookie replacement for legendary Hot Rod Hundley...on the radio.

Fifth grade know-it-all David Locke has the forced enthusiasm of a porn star on her wedding night, the ear splitting timbre of an adolescent girl, and the "well-formed" opinions of a Sportscenter-addicted frat boy.

David Locke has a sports radio talk show in Salt Lake City again after failing in the much larger and more sophisticated media market of Seattle or Portland or somewhere where franchises actually take pride in their representatives.

He claimed recently to diagnose Kyle Korver's injury prior to all the team doctors. He scooped the medical profession on that one. I'm not kidding, it's on his blog.

David Locke should sign a Dish Network commission agreement because Jazz games on the radio are no longer an option. I will upgrade to get Fox Sports Rocky Mountain if they win a few games early. Otherwise I could plug my nose and pick up an interest in the NHL.

As a frustrated Jazz fan, I actually look forward to some creative lineups instead of Jerry Sloan's predictable and mediocre teams.

I want to see Williams, Price, Milsap, Okur, and Koufos play together.

I want to see Sloan suit up and run the pick and roll with a vampdragicornasuswolf in shorty shorts, but don't tell my wife about that one.

I want to see Williams as a slashing wing. He can shoot outside and take you off the drive. Let someone else set pick and run plays for Carlos Loozer.

I want to see Boozer traded for two clean jockstraps.

The Utah Jazz franchise is at a fork in the road with Sloan nearing retirement, Larry Miller gone, and Carlos Boozer smoking crack cocaine every day.

If support for the Jazz wanes during this recession, Larry's used car dealer son, Greg, might move the team to Vegas.

Sounds a little like the plot to Major League.

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