East Coast Defeats West Coast, Wins Coastal World Series

(Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images)

Fans of the West Coast Baseball Club were in tears and some despondent senior citizen diehards chose to immolate themselves after the East Coast Baseball Club won Game 11 of the Coastal World Series, 5-2, to win the Best-of-14 series eight games to three.

Co-manager of the West Coast, Mike Scioscia, was defiant in defending his club's lack of performance.

"That's baseball," he said. "It is what it is. Don't tell me it isn't. The East Coast deserved to win this Coastal World Series and proved that we can't lift a middle finger to them. And no, the issue regarding the McCourts (who own the club with Arte Moreno) is a non-factor.

"Their American Dream was to put themselves into a nasty litigation dispute worthy of being on a cookie-cutter soap opera. Our dream was to win this World Series, but we ran into a buzzsaw of overpaid players who do not believe in such treasonspeak as a recession.

"My hats off to the East Coast, they were the best coast this year."

Meanwhile, at the East Coast clubhouse at the once-new Yankee Stadium, there was champagne and grown-man orgies going around. Even the winning locker room reporters were not without their once-in-a-postseason splashing of stale champagne poured from sweaty slippers.

"This is our year," Alex Rodriguez said. "We wanted to take this baby home once again. I want to thank all the fans that spent whatever they could to give the financial crisis the finger and celebrate our Series victory.

"This is a coast that has the most," said co-owner George Steinbrenner. "We got the most money, the most talent, and the best fans of any sport. We run [expletive] in these leagues!"

"I feel like it's New Year's Eve...two months early," said Hugo Sandoval, a denizen from the Bronx that was giddy with pride after the game. "I blew up my life savings just to watch this game. I will remember this moment for the rest of my life...if I don't suffer from a Bacardi hangover on Monday morning."

"I am the man, nuff said," said Andy Pettite, the East Coast's winning pitcher. He made a mockery of the West Coast arsenal, tossing 6-1/3 innings of pure joy for the New York-Penn faithful and agony for just about everyone on the East Coast.

Alex Rodriguez finished the Coastal World Series with a .429 average (9-for-21) with three home runs and six RBI, giving him a .437 mark (14-for-32), five homers and 12 RBI in nine games this postseason.

Watching from a giant screen, bitter West Coast fans at Dodger Stadium and Angel Stadium of Anaheim tore their programs, and threw debris on the grounds before leaving.

"We need some changes on our team," said John Robbins Jr., an overweight father of four and a lifelong West Coast fan. "And will someone tell joke of co-ownership that is the McCourts to take their vendetta out of earshot and eyeshot and whatever shot, because I am ready to shoot them down for being a distraction and a thorn to our sides!"

"Wait till next year," said a perspective Rally Monkey, who returned to the Los Angeles Zoo to watch the Galaxy take part in the Major League Soccer playoffs.

"I have a much bigger respect for my coast than ever," said Leslie Warzycha, a Philadelphia native of 53 years. "Even though the players from the city I hate were the once who got us over the top, I am proud of our team and what we have done. go East Coast!"

Plans for a special Best-of-Seven between the East Coast and the winner of the Asia series are underway.

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