Rock of Love: Glen Sather Edition

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Rock of Love: Glen Sather Edition

Fact:  I hate the offseason.  I get bored.  And of that boredom comes twisted shit like what you’re about to read.  For, ladies and gentlemen, I give you……

If The Rangers Were ‘Rock of Love’ Girls, Who Would They Be?

rolbus_bret_girls42008-09 team photo

Where Rory imagines a world in which the members of the New York Rangers are trashy ex/current strippers, tour bus chasers, amateur porn stars, and STD carrier extraordinairres.  Because we here at 5-Hole bring you only the very best in sports reporting around.  Oh yeah.

(Dedicated to the greatest housemate anyone could ask for: my girl Alex (Momo for those of us ‘in the know’), who shares my love of these amazing skanks as well as hot hockey players.  And margaritas.  Mmmmm.  Love you, girl!)

*Note: I tried to do the whole team, but most of the guys have zero personality, and I couldn’t match them with any of the girls no matter how hard I tried.  So, um, yeah – ON WITH THE WHORES!!

(**Note Number Two: This was supposed to be published about two months ago and concerns members of the 2008-2009 team.  Unfortunately, I’m a lazy piece of shit and didn’t finish it until now.  Deal with it, bitches.)

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Wade Redden: Brittany Starr (Season 3)

redden headshot

brittaney starr

Strongly disliked by just about everyone and can’t do anything right.  While Brittany was a sock-thief and ex-pornstar, Redden is a cap-space thief and ex-decent NHL defenseman.  Oh, and Redden totally hides old food in his bed on the road.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Steve Valiquette: Jessica (Season 2)

Photo3_Valiquette

Is genuinely nice and hard-working; does well in challenges when called upon.  However, is consistently outshined by fame-whoring ways of counterparts.  Gets shit-faced while wearing shiny gold bikinis.

 

ICYMI: Jessica gets drunk on ‘Rock of Love 2′ | Movies & TV | SPIKE.com

 

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Aaron Voros: Nikki a.k.a. DJ Lady Tribe (Season 3)

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djladytribehotness1

Is a straight up HOT MESS with no discernible talent.  Writes rap lyrics on STD pamphlets.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Marc Staal: Heather (Season 1 Runner-up)

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heather-rock-of-love

Generally awesome in every way.  My heart flutters when this person is around, and should totally be around all the time to keep shit under control; or get shit crazy, depending on the situation.  Has Bret Michael’s name tattooed on the back of their neck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Henrik Lundqvist: Mindy (Season 3 Runner-up)

Cartier+100th+Anniversary+America+Celebration+3UrlQDubr2Fl

Despite best efforts, gets screwed over by worthless, money-grubbing whores.  Has tendency to slip into ‘funks’.  Wears hot pants and is deeply in love with Bret Micheals.

mindy

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Colton Orr: Brittanya (Season 3)

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Isn’t really good for anything but fighting.  Has multiple tattoos stemming from crotch region.

brittanya_02

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Michal Roszival: Daisy (Season 2)

73891518MH027_Atlanta_Thras_9_55_27_PM

Is God-awful to look at, has breakdowns often.  Roszival is good at sucking up cap space – Daisy is good at sucking up, well, anything really.

rock.of.love.2.wk.9.daisy.cry.face

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Nik Antropov: Angelique a.k.a. Frenchie (Season 2)

84623042JM002_NEW_YORK_RANG

Thickly-accented and built like a tree; despite total awesomeness, it was always clear would not be sticking around for the long haul.  But was still fun to have around in the meantime.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Ryan Callahan: Ambre (Season 2 Winner)

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Honest, hard-working, genuine person whom, to be honest, I have nothing bad to say about.  Just as Ambre won Bret’s heart, I hope that Cally will one day win the Rangers captaincy.  And Stanley Cup, of course – which we all know is just as good as Bret Michaels’ cowboy hat.  Rawr.

ambre

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Scott Gomez: Megan (Season 2)

84633469CM019_NEW_JERSEY_DE

An unabashed gold-digger, has no desire to work hard.  Smug, thinks self is extremely popular, but is soon found out to be worthless – most likely to get into a fight with Sharon Osborne.


 
Rock of Love Charm School Reunion Fight - Sharon Osbourne Vs Megan - The funniest movie is here. Find it

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Brandon Dubinsky: Maria (Season 3)

Brandon_Dubinsky headshot

Only because of those amazing strips of sexy that both of them call ‘eyebrows’.  Me-ow.

maria

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Lauri Korpikoski: Marcia (Season 3)

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marcia rol bus

Probably my favorite person to listen to talk of the whole bunch.  Not a superstar, but still pretty awesome to have around.  Drinks copious amounts of tequila(sorry, the site wouldn’t let me embed.  Bastards).

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Paul Mara: Natasha (Season 3)

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Is the manliest of them all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Chris Drury: Taya (Season 3 Winner)

Photo1_Drury

May technically be Rangers ‘captain’ and Bret’s ‘rock of love’, respectively, but that doesn’t mean that anyone actually thinks it’s deserved.

taya rol bus

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Sean Avery: Ashley (Season 3)

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ashley rol bus

Both are surprising good at many things – Avery: skating, passing, scoring.  Ashley: drinking, puking, stripping.  Both highly skilled at fighting like a dirty bitch and pointing out the physical flaws of others.  Also, both had to be left to the end of the post, because I needed unlimited space to display said skills and awesomeness:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aaaaand, just for fun:

 

Related posts:

  1. Rory Grades the Rangers
  2. #4 Devils vs. #5 Rangers – Series Preview
  3. Blackhawks @ Rangers – Game Preview

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