Add challenging Molly Schuyler to a chicken-wing-eating contest to the list of things you should never do.
ESPN reports the mother of four chowed down on 363 wings to capture victory at Wing Bowl 22, surpassing the previous record set by star competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi, who ate 337 wings back in 2012.
Forget Superman, Batman or anyone the Justice League can muster, because Schuyler is now my hero.
Personal affection aside, Schuyler garnered a great deal more in the form of a "$22,000 top prize as well as a gold medal and a championship ring."
And she is getting quite the run on Twitter:
The report is careful to offer that Schuyler had quite the battle, because Patrick Bertoletti managed to take down 356 wings, which is enough to make the weekend a painful enterprise but not enough to wear 2014's Wing Bowl crown.
CBS Philadelphia has more, including video and images from the event that took place on Friday at the Wells Fargo Center.
If her massive effort didn't astonish you before, CBS Philadelphia's Joseph Santoliquito reports the record-breaking performance was but an appetizer to what will be a mind-boggling schedule this weekend for the 5'7", 125-pound Nebraska native.
The mound of wings will serve as an aperitif, as she is set to land in Des Moines, Iowa, to compete for pancake glory in Saturday's IHOP Pancake Bowl I, giving us the only reason you should ever have pancake and bowl in the same sentence.
But what are pancakes without bacon? She will put her endurance to that test as well, competing in the Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival later that afternoon.
Suddenly, going for thirds at a buffet doesn't seem so absurd.
Schuyler told Santoliquito she didn't expect to win the Wing Bowl and was merely hoping to show. But her appetite surprised her in the end:
I think I could eat some more. This was freaking crazy. I kept eating and I kept saying I didn’t want to know how many wings I ate until the end. I just wanted to focus on what I was doing. But I don’t think I want to eat another chicken wing for a while. Hopefully I’ll be back next year.
According to ESPN, Eagles center Jason Kelce was on hand to partake in the copious amounts of wings, but he finished with a paltry 65 wings.
Here he is taking down a pile while wearing Google Glass, via a Brian J. Haddad tweet, so perhaps we can later enjoy a first-person view of gluttony.
Kelce would later tell Santoliquito that he could have still gone for more, but that infernal time got to him (the event comprised of two 14-minute rounds with a two-minute finale):
The hardest part was the speed. I’m not used to eating like this this early in the morning. I’m usually eating eggs and bacon. But this was awesome. It was a great experience. But the speed got me. I’m usually not a fast eater, and I know I could have gone another 14 minutes eating. But the speed factor was killing me. I’ve never seen anyone eat as fast as these people. It’s amazing.
Now, because it seems apropos, we give you this video, which serves to remind you of proper wing-eating form if you want to amaze your pals at your respective Super Bowl soirees this Sunday. Just try to keep the total to double digits, because Schuyler is a professional after all.
If her name looks familiar, you might know Schuyler from a video that made the Internet rounds earlier this month. Here she is eating a 72-ounce steak in under seven minutes:
Schuyler scoffs at your offer of a doggy bag.
Now we wait patiently as this competitive eater continues her journey to eat all the food in the world, something that seems likely to happen as soon as this weekend.
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