The Next Step in the Surge for Steve Stamkos: 2008 Draft Lottery

It's been awhile since I sat down and gave you a full account of what I was doing for an extended period of time, so in honor of the NHL Draft Lottery (made out to be sports versions of the Grammys because the Espys stole the Emmys) and the fact that my stomach feels like a New Jersey landfill (meaning I'm bedridden with nothing better to do) here we go: The NHL Draft Lottery!

7:57: I actually just sat through the slowest hour of my life. We got to observe Pierre McGuire drool over every single player that he's ever liked, say the word "monster" about six times a minute, and then we got exposed to filler such as the Mini-Monster of the Year (should have been the little goalie from the commercials), the Monster Play of the Year, and the Monster of the Year. And that was only the first half hour.

Then we got to sit through a fantasy draft. I can barely sit through my own Fantasy Drafts let alone the TSN panel making their picks.

Keith Jones got ripped for taking defense and goaltending early, but he's won the last two fantasy pools for TSN so I wouldn't really tell him he's wrong.

I have an idea on how to improve it though: The defending champion hosts the draft from his living room. The cameras are all set up around the draft as Dave Hoge sips on a rye-and-coke while Darren Dreger adjusts his sweatpants and "Freddy says relax" t-shirt. We then have Keith Jones' wife come out and serve some nice cool Budweiser's, as stock recordings of Harry Caray's voice (using the most up-to-date audio editing software) are used to announce the picks.

Because of the magic of non-linear editing we can extend the draft for about 22 rounds (so they're down to the infamous "I'm tired, my wife is pissed, let's get the f--- out of here" pick) and then just adjust the speed on the footage as a narrator let's us know what's going on. It may be the anti-nauseant talking, but I would actually watch this.

Now that I've wasted all our live a little longer, let's get to it!

8:02: It's the 2008 Draft Lottery!! The Surge for Stamkos is underway with a smattering of lottery balls, no goals, no saves, a lot of luck, and a dramatic voice-over from a pleasing baritone.

We now roll through a rousing montage (covered by emotional music) of past number one picks. I can't actually believe this is televised, but it's TSN...they can do anything.

8:04: There it is. The five teams who get a shot at the number one pick (Note: You can only move up four spots, so the lowest you can be and still have a shot at the top spot is number five. To put this in perspective, the Maple Leafs can only get as high as third).

8:05: Bob McKenzie doesn't see a situation where Stamkos isn't taken number one overall, and we've started comparing his skill-set to Crosby. Just super. Why doesn't he just wear his skates on the wrong feet to make him look completely inept when compared to arguably the best young player in the league?

8:05: Mad Mike Milbury—"Timing is everything"—this coming from the guy who traded Roberto Luongo because he didn't have the patience to wait him out.

8:07: A nice wide shot of Bill Daly in the TSN studio as he explains that the balls are dropping in New York, while Steve Stamkos (live from Sarnia no less) looks about as riveted as the five NHL legends representing each of the five worst teams in the NHL that are in the TSN studio.

8:09: James Duthie just asked Luc Robitaille (Representing the L.A. Kings) if he was "feeling lucky" and Peter Mahovlich (The face of the Thrashers) looks like Fred Willard. This is the best half hour of my life.

8:10: The other three NHL legends are Mike Bossy (Islanders), Dave Andreychuk (Lightning), and Al MacInnis (Blues) just so you know as we move to a commercial break.

8:13: Here's our first video montage of Steve Stamkos of the night. I spoke to soon though, as apparently we're running footage of Drew Doughty and Zach Bogosian too.

8:14: Apparently Drew Doughty has said "move over other team's...get out of my way I'm going to score" according to this scout (missed his name). Doughty may be able to join Peter Griffin as one of the only people to be able to name all 50 states in under a minute if he's able to deliver that message to team's while on the ice.

8:15: Here it is, your top ten prospects for this year's draft: Stamkos (forward), Bogosian (Defense), Doughty (Defense), Alex Pietrangelo who has mono (defense), Nikita Filatov (Forward), Luke Schenn (Defense), Mikkel Boedker (Forward), Colin Wilson (Forward), Tyler Myers (Forward), and Cody Hodgson (Forward).

The spelling of these names makes me want to retire before they're even drafted.

8:19: And after watching so many frames of Stamkos just sitting there waiting, we finally hear from the kid, but only for a minute.

8:20: The lottery has already happened!!! I DECLARE TAMPERING IF THE LEAFS AREN'T IN THE TOP 5!!!

8:21: At Number 5, the New York Islanders. Damn.

8:21: At Number 4, the St. Louis Blues. Oh crap.

8:21: At Number 3, the Atlanta Thrashers...SON OF A B****!!!!

8:21: Breathe...(Oh God...where does that leave the Leafs? We probably lost the pick for filming signals and nobody told us).

8:22: They're announcing the first pick before the second! And the first overall pick goes to...Tampa Bay. Seriously? They have a chance to play Stamkos and Lecavalier together? Lame. (Ps. This means that L.A. chooses number two).

8:23: Even more lame: Toronto stays at seven. Well, at least we haven't traded it yet (which I'm even less reassured of after Cliff "I'm exploring all options" Fletcher's state of the team address today.).

8:24: Stevie is back on camera ladies and gentlemen! He's honored to have the chance to go to Tampa apparently too (Just so you know, Duthie mentioned Pat Kane and Sam Gagner—two former London Knights—as guys to make the jump! At least I cheer for a team that does something right...).

8:25: Commercial Break...and time for some Pepto Bismol!!

8:28: The question has been asked: What does Steven Stamkos mean to the Tampa Bay Lightning? Obviously a lot. At this point I'm hoping that Tampa trades that pick for something. I just know Stamkos' first game against the Leafs he'll get a hat trick after setting up Vinny for his own 'trick.

8:29: While I was ranting we missed Mike Milbury's draft day stories. Did you know that it could have been Marian Gaborik signing that 15-year contract instead of Rick DiPietro? Or that Mad Mike hadn't watched Ilya Kovalchuk at all until after the draft and then watched one warm-up and threw a temper tantrum and had to be treated for depression after missing out on him? Well not really, but that could explain why the call him Mad Mike.

There you go, blame his itchy trigger finger on Ilya.

8:32: Anyhow, that's it for me. We're now in store for a 90-minute special on the 2008 NHL playoffs, complete with Maggie the Monkey's predictions.

As much as I'd like to see James Duthie get shown up by the monkey for yet another playoff season, my mattress is looking mighty attractive at this point in time.

Besides, why would I want to watch a playoff preview when Bleacher Report is hosting our very own tomorrow? Tune in Tuesday evening when a very special guest will join me for a little bit of playoff prognosticating.