Power Ranking Skills of Every Wannabe-Baller in All-Star NBA Celebrity Game

Gabe Zaldivar@gabezalPop Culture Lead WriterFebruary 14, 2013

Power Ranking Skills of Every Wannabe-Baller in All-Star NBA Celebrity Game

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    It's the game before the main event, one that is even less about basketball than the All-Star Game. Here is your cast of crazy characters for the NBA Celebrity Game. 

    They are the select few who will take the court and attempt to entertain spectators with mediocre basketball and wild antics that may just make you smile. 

    If history is any guide, there will be a few short jokes coming from Kevin Hart. 

    The Celebrity Game will take place on Friday, February 15 at the Sprint Arena, and will be televised on ESPN at 7 p.m. EST. 

    Here is our chance to introduce you to some of the celebrities and coaches who will kick off what will no doubt be a another raucous All-Star weekend. 

    We choose to rank these players on skill and ability to keep us from changing the channel, which is all that really matters for this game. 

Coaches, Pros and Former Ballers

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    First, we would like to introduce you to some of the familiar faces adorning the sidelines and taking the court along with the amateurs. 

    Here are the pros who will make sure things don't get too out of hand, or guarantee they do. This is the Celebrity Game after all. 

    Coaches: Former teammates will now get after it with clipboards in their hands. The West will be coached by James Harden and the East gets Russell Westbrook.

    Assistant Coaches: The report doesn't cite who will be helm which team, but Queen Latifah and former host of Dancing with the Stars fame, Samantha Harris, will have assistant duties. 

    Pros: These are the folks who ensure there will actually be a score at the end of this thing. 

    Dikembe Mutombo
    Sean Elliott
    Bruce Bowen 
    Clyde Drexler 
    Tamika Catchings
    Maya Moore 

11. Ryen Russillo

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    You can hear Ryen Russillo weekly on the "SVP & Russillo Show." The video is pretty much all you need to know on what we should expect. 

    He breaks down the nerves and his roll on the court. 

    If there is anyone who is going to go out and have as much fun as possible without pandering, it's this guy. I like listening to him every week and will certainly look forward to seeing his mad mediocre game on full display. 

    Things you might say: "Ryan spells his name wrong."

10. John Schriffen

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    John Schriffen is an ABC News correspondent working out of New York City, and we are only slightly positive he will not be wearing a suit and tie at the game. 

    The only thing we know for certain about Schriffen is he graduated from Dartmouth College, was a sports anchor for News 12 in the Bronx and once interned at ESPN. 

    What does any of that have to do with basketball? Nothing. 

    Which is exactly how we like it for the celebrity game. 

    Things you will not say: "Honey, hurry up and get in here. They are about to put John Schriffen in the game."

9. Nick Cannon

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    Mr. Mariah Carey will be on the court trying to make us all laugh as he also goes to the rim hard with some very average-looking layups.

    If you want to know what kind of game we are talking about, here is a video of him losing to Nelly in a celebrity slam dunk contest. The rim looks to be five feet off the ground.  

    Also, interesting side note: Yes, you can indeed make a movie about a drumline, and yes I will watch it in theaters. 

    Popular for fans to say: "Daddy, Nick Cannon is hilarious." 

8. Terrence Jenkins

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    All of you who get your information from E! News will recognize anchor, Terrence Jenkins. Here he is dishing about celebs on The Talk

    I would imagine there will be no secrets in Friday's huddle thanks to this Gabby Gossip. 

    Things you might say when he is in the game: "What else is on TV?"

7. Josh Hutcherson

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    Josh Hutcherson played a real jerk in Cirque Du Freak and was a little rude as Laser in The Kids are All Right. Although, he did make millions swoon in The Hunger Games

    If you are wondering if the dude from Red Dawn can ball, here is a video of one of his celebrity charity games. There, he explains he is in an "E League," which is an entertainment basketball league. 

    I am now very interested to know why I never heard of this league. It would be like a season's worth of celebrity games. 

    Actually, it's best we let this remain a secret. 

    You might wonder: Is Peeta shorter than Kevin Hart?

6. Trey Songz

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    Trey Songz does everything. He sings, writes songs, produces and acts. During his day job of being a jack of all trades, he finds time to play basketball with Chris Brown, which is sort of a theme with a lot of these celebrity basketball players. 

    The R&B artist was in the 2011 NBA Celebrity Game, so we assume he understands the tone of Friday night's clash. 

    So I will expect a lot of not passing the ball to occur. 

    Favorite things to do while watching Trey Songz play: Goggle who Trey Songz is. 

5. Ne-Yo

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    Fans of bit parts in movies and R&B songs may have some Ne-Yo swag hanging around their houses. 

    The Grammy Award winner has also played in movies such as Save the Last Dance 2 and Battle: Los Angeles

    He also has a bit of a hilarious past with Kevin Hart as he and Chris Brown took on the diminutive comedian a while back. Here is a link to the video with some NSFW language. 

    Popular thing someone might say at end of game: "Oh, no way. Ne-Yo was playing?"

4. Common

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    The posted video features Common missing a lot of jump shots. You know, in case you are into that sort of thing. 

    While featured in a movie semi-related to basketball, Just Wright, Common has been featured in the NBA Celebrity games in the past. So we would expect the hip-hop artist-turned-actor to be one of the more skilled celebs out there. 

    Things you will not say: "Damn, when is Common going to make another damn Rom-Com already!?"

3. Usain Bolt

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    Let's be honest. The real reason you tune into the celebrity game is the mere hope you get to see Usain Bolt get the rock with a clear fast break opportunity. 

    The man destroys the best sprinters in the world, so imagine what he could do in the open court on the likes of Nick Cannon and Ryen Russillo. 

    Things you might say during the game: "Wait, why isn't Bolt in the game. Are they keeping him on the bench. Wait, no he is playing. Phew."

2. Kevin Hart

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    I am a big Kevin Hart fan, but I have pretty much seen and heard all of his short jokes. Oh, I will guarantee there will be more this weekend, which gets him a little bit of a down vote. 

    Search your soul and determine what you really want for the Celebrity game. Is it a bunch of decent basketball players and washed-up has-beens, or some wild antics that might be funny. 

    I will always err on the side of funny, especially when that star of "Real Husbands of Hollywood" also brought eight points and six assists in his MVP performance last year. 

    Popular thing for fans to say while watching: "Who's that kid playing in the celebrity game?"

1. Arne Duncan

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    Dr. Buckets. 

    The United States Secretary of Education may look like the goofiest and oldest guy on the court, but that's all a ploy. 

    The man is going to dominate yet another celebrity game, and it will be marvelous. He can drain shots and dish dimes, taking you to school like it was in his job description. 

    Oh, right. 

    Something you might say while shaking your head in disbelief: "Dat Arne Duncan."

    Hit me up on Twitter for more silly swagger. 

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