The Bluths Explain Football: An Indianapolis Colts Primer

Nate Dunlevy@NateDunlevyGuest ColumnistJune 5, 2012

He's functional. If you have a plane.
He's functional. If you have a plane.Larry French/Getty Images

Welcome back to the Bluths Explain Football, an ongoing series in which the cast of Arrested Development gives you insight into the AFC South.

Today's episode is "Key Decisions." Let's see what it can teach us about the Indianapolis Colts' upcoming season.



Michael sells the family jet, leaving them with a stair car as their only vehicle. Lindsey briefly protests the Bluths' plan to remove a tree. Lucille and Buster attend a Latin soap-opera awards show.

Gob, frustrated with his girlfriend Marta, plans an elaborate escape from prison, leaving Michael to take Marta to the awards show. He falls for her.

Later, Gob gets shivved in jail, leading Marta to rush to his side. Buster begins dating his mother's best friend.

Oh, and that tree? Yeah, it got removed.



"So now we don't have a car or a jet? Why don't we take out an ad in I'm Poor Magazine?"


This goes out to Edgerrin James and Marvin Harrison. Now the Colts drive the stair car that is Donald Brown.


"I care deeply for nature."

"Well, you're wearing ostrich skin boots."

"Well, I don't care about ostriches."

-Lindsey and Michael

The Colts are suddenly struggling to sell tickets. While there are still plenty of diehard Colts fans and the season will eventually sell out, a lot of people who used to care about the Colts don't anymore. That's all due to the team's decision to release Peyton Manning.

People deeply cared about the Colts. Just not, you know, the Colts.


"Watch out for bridges and hop-ons. You're gonna get some hop-ons."


This goes out to the Indianapolis press, which spent most of last year desperately trying to unseat Bill Polian. Now, Indy Star columnist Bob Kravitz writes about how he's going out to dinner with Ryan Grigson.

There's plenty of room on the bandwagon for Bob.


"The warden was intrigued less about the stunt and more about the beating this brash magician was sure to receiving."


The Colts are forbidden from using the word "rebuilding." They are "reloading" and "building the monster."

They are also losing 12 games next year.


"That's what you do when life hands you a chance to be with someone special. You just grasp that brownish area by the points and you don't let go! No matter what your mom says!"


This describes the way the Colts have gone after Andrew Luck. They had their minds made up for a long time that Luck was too special to pass up, and that they would do anything to be with him. Let's just hope they don't faint when they put their glasses back on.

Then again, he does look an awful lot like their first love.


"You've never even thrown the ball around with me."

"Great. Now you're an athlete."

-Gob and George Sr.

Andrew Luck and his "receiving corps" haven't really had the chance to put any time in yet. Once they do, everyone will realize that it consists of the old, the infirmed, the raw and Donnie Avery.


"Am I still in prison?"

"You're in the hospital."


-Gob and Lucille

Chuck Pagano may not get the Colts to the playoffs this year, but you have to love his chances of beating Jim Caldwell's 2011 record.



The Colts made some key decisions this offseason. They swallowed hard and got the job done. They may even have fallen in love.

All they can hope for is that they don't sit in the recovery room, saying, "I've made a terrible mistake."


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