On Wednesday night, the NBA will host the 2012 NBA Draft Lottery—also known as the most rigged day in professional sports.
Remember 1985, when NBA Commissioner David Stern rigged the lottery to give the New York Knicks the top pick so they could take Patrick Ewing? Since then, the league has gotten smart and rigged the lottery behind closed doors.
But every year, no matter who gets the top pick...it is always a conspiracy! A conspiracy, I tell you!
Coming up with conspiracy theories is a tiring life, and you are busy enough as it is right now coming up with more reasons why LeBron James is being coddled by the league. That's a full time job right there! Who has time to come up with conspiracies for the lottery nowadays when there is LeBron to track 24/7?
Lucky for you, I have got you covered. This handy-dandy guide will cover each of the 14 lottery teams from both angles—it has got conspiracy theories for if/when each team gets a top-three pick, and if/when each team sees their pick far in the lottery! Either way, you win!
Of course, the theories will totally contradict each other. But who cares? Conspiracy theories are not supposed to make sense! Just keep saying "clearly" and "obviously" enough, and you have got a 100 percent working conspiracy!
So let's check out how David Stern and the NBA can—and WILL—screw over each team at Wednesday's draft lottery.
Note: This article is intended as satire. Please do not take it seriously. And no, David Stern did not pay me to write this disclaimer.