On Wednesday night, the NBA will host the 2012 NBA Draft Lottery—also known as the most rigged day in professional sports.
Remember 1985, when NBA Commissioner David Stern rigged the lottery to give the New York Knicks the top pick so they could take Patrick Ewing? Since then, the league has gotten smart and rigged the lottery behind closed doors.
But every year, no matter who gets the top pick...it is always a conspiracy! A conspiracy, I tell you!
Coming up with conspiracy theories is a tiring life, and you are busy enough as it is right now coming up with more reasons why LeBron James is being coddled by the league. That's a full time job right there! Who has time to come up with conspiracies for the lottery nowadays when there is LeBron to track 24/7?
Lucky for you, I have got you covered. This handy-dandy guide will cover each of the 14 lottery teams from both angles—it has got conspiracy theories for if/when each team gets a top-three pick, and if/when each team sees their pick far in the lottery! Either way, you win!
Of course, the theories will totally contradict each other. But who cares? Conspiracy theories are not supposed to make sense! Just keep saying "clearly" and "obviously" enough, and you have got a 100 percent working conspiracy!
So let's check out how David Stern and the NBA can—and WILL—screw over each team at Wednesday's draft lottery.
Note: This article is intended as satire. Please do not take it seriously. And no, David Stern did not pay me to write this disclaimer.
Conspiracy when the Bobcats get a top-three pick:
David Stern is so deathly embarrassed by the disgustingly bad Bobcats that he has to make SURE they get Anthony Davis...or at least a top-three pick. I mean, when paid ESPN analysts are debating if one of your professional level teams can be beaten by a college team, it is time to take action!
Plus, Charlotte fans just are not the same this time around. Maybe when Stern gift wraps them a superstar in Davis, they will start giving the league money again! That's a pick that not even Michael Jordan can mess up!
Conspiracy when the Bobcats drop in the lottery:
David Stern hates Michael Jordan at this point. He is doing a horrible job as owner, and Stern thinks those Hanes underwear commercials are just horrendous. Who cares if the Bobcats had the worst season in NBA history...Stern wants to let the "great old MJ" get himself out of this mess!
Conspiracy when the Wizards get a top-three pick:
Stern gave the Wizards John Wall two years ago, and they still could not manage to start winning on their own. Now he is stuck and he has got to give the Wizards another top-three pick or they will just waste Wall's career. It is like when you give your kid money to buy a candy bar from the machine, and the candy bar gets stuck falling down...you have to buy another one, or you jut wasted your money!
Conspiracy when the Wizards drop in the lottery:
Stern clearly forgot that JaVale McGee is no longer on the Wizards roster. Combined with Andray Blatche, he knows that something in the Washington water makes Wizards big men turn braindead. Cannot afford to let Anthony Davis catch the stupid virus.
Of course, the Wizards could still draft Andre Drummond... but he is already pretty brain dead as is.
Conspiracy when the Cavaliers get a top-three pick:
Stern is still making it up to Cleveland for LeBron's "decision." He bumped the Clippers pick to No. 1 for them last year, giving them both Kyrie Irving...and some guy named Tristan Thompson, who quickly was forgotten. Irving clearly demands better teammates or he will pull a LeBron in three years...and come on, a Kyrie/Anthony Davis combo is just way too sexy to ignore.
Conspiracy when the Cavaliers drop in the lottery:
Come on, Cavs owner Dan Gilbert. Stern already gift wrapped you one star last year...are you already bored with him?
Dan Gilbert: "Mooommmmmm, I want a Anthony Davis doll!"
David Stern: "I just bought you a Kyrie Irving doll last year!"
Gilbert: "But Mommmmm, I want an Anthony Davis doll!"
Stern: "You didn't even take your Tristan Thompson out of the box yet!"
Conspiracy when the Hornets get a top-three pick:
A new owner and a bad franchise makes the Hornets a top-three pick for sure.
Conspiracy when the Hornets drop in the lottery:
Stern is being VERY careful here. He already messed up with the whole "Chris Paul to Lakers...just kidding" situation last year. He cannot just give the Hornets more help, not after all that mess. Besides, he got them Eric Gordon! That should be easily enough to appease New Orleans fans.
That, and he is one of the few people in the league that likes the "Hornets" as the team name. And Benson wants to change it? How dare he!
Conspiracy when the Kings get a top-three pick:
David Stern feels so bad for the Sacramento fans over that whole "your owners messed up your new arena deal" that he gives them a top-three pick, free of charge. Plus, a top pick might just raise the value of the franchise enough that the Maloofs might sell. Anything that might help there!
Conspiracy when the Kings drop in the lottery:
Oh my, where to start?
Stern hates the Maloof Brothers for messing up the arena deal in Sacramento. And who honestly believes that he would give them a top pick, even if it raises their team's value enough that they might want to sell? They just messed up a glorious new arena! Stern hates the Maloofs more than he wants to help the city of Sacramento.
Plus, there is a secret rule in the NBA guidelines—"Do not, under any circumstances, let three or more John Calipari-coached players be on the same NBA team." The Kings are already stretching it with DeMarcus Cousins and Tyreke Evans. Why do you think the Kings traded back for Jimmer Fredette last year, instead of taking Brandon Knight?
Note: If the selection ends up in the top three, the pick goes back to the Nets. That means unless the Nets stay at pick No. 6, they cannot win! Come on, conspiracy theorists, this one writes itself!
Conspiracy when the Trail Blazers get a top-three pick...and have to give it back to the Nets:
Stern loves Jay-Z. Loves him to death. The Blueprint 3 is Stern's personal favorite album. He still feels bad that the Nets could not have the top pick in 2010, so he makes sure they AT LEAST get to keep their pick here. After all, they traded it for Gerald Wallace...who may not even stay in Brooklyn! Clearly the Nets need some help.
Conspiracy when the Trail Blazers drop in the lottery...and keep the pick:
This is an affront to the Nets, of course! The NBA will not let them get their pick back!
David Stern and the NBA clearly hate Mikhail Prokhorov for being richer than the rest of the NBA combined! That's why the Nets will not get their pick back. Stern also wants Deron Williams to leave Brooklyn, because, let's face it, he does not want the Nets to ever be good! That might make some of the fair weather Knicks fans (the Patron Saints of the NBA's checkbooks) flock to the Nets!
Stern clearly wants Williams to go to Dallas. Or Los Angeles (the Lakers, of course!). That, and Stern hates Jay-Z. He is more of a Drake man himself.
Note: If the Warriors pick falls and end up at No. 8 or later, it goes to the Utah Jazz. Again, these theories nearly write themselves!
Conspiracy when the Warriors get a top-three pick:
Golden State just announced a plan to build a new arena in downtown San Francisco, hopeful for a move-in date in 2017. What better way to start in a new building than with a dynasty five years in? The league will happily give the Warriors a top-three pick here, and some more help in the future, to assure that Golden State goes into their new shiny arena with force.
Now the only concern for Stern and his cronies is how to get Stephen Curry to stop busting up his ankles!
Conspiracy when the Warriors drop in the lottery (and thus have to send it to Utah):
The Warriors are leaving Oakland! Sure, this makes sense fiscally, but the NBA does not want to piss off the Oakland fans by giving Golden State a great team right before they leave!
And before you say anything, yes, moving from Oakland to San Francisco is a HUGE deal! Who cares if it is only 17 miles? Those Oakland fans will not even care about the franchise anymore.
Meanwhile, David Stern is trying to butter up the Utah franchise with an extra pick here. Butter them up for what, you ask? Well, the Hornets are trying to change their name...and why is a Utah franchise named Jazz again? He hopes with an extra pick, Utah will give the Jazz back to New Orleans and pick a better name that actually makes some sense.
Conspiracy when the Raptors get a top-three pick:
Pleaaasse. How boring have the Raptors been in the last...what, seven seasons? Since Vince Carter left, Toronto has been one big snooze fest. Canada is getting restless. So Stern will make it up to them by giving them a top-three pick and hope that somehow, the Raptors do not mess this one up again.
Conspiracy when the Raptors drop in the lottery:
Stern has completely forgotten there is a franchise north of the border! The last time he cared was when he gave them a top pick and they used it on some seven footer who cannot even rebound. The Raptors are so damn boring that not even Stern, the paid commish of the NBA, pays attention to them anymore.
Conspiracy when the Pistons get a top-three pick:
Stern loves to prove how American he is, and what better way to do that then to help out Detroit! That's the fashionable thing to do, nowadays. Plus Greg Monroe is a beast, but he is a very DULL beast. Not going to bring up the TV ratings there, Mr. Monroe. They will sneak in a flashy stud like Davis or Kidd-Gilchrist to get Detroit back on its feet.
Conspiracy when the Pistons drop in the lottery:
Stern drives around in a luxury 2008 Audi. When he wants to pretend he cares about the environment, he drives a Prius. And when he does not care, he just rides around in an old 1962 Volkswagen bus. Sorry, did you say something about Detroit? Stern can't hear you over the sound of his new British-made Jaguar LX he just had imported.
Conspiracy when the Hornets get a top-three pick:
Holy cow, man! Last year, David Stern punished the Clippers for trading a lottery pick by jumping it up to No. 1...and now he will do the same against the Timberwolves!
Clearly, Stern hates David Kahn as much as the rest of us. And he knows that if the Timberwolves and Kahn had the top pick, they would trade it anyways for three more point guards. Plus, you know. The whole "new owner in New Orleans" business. This way, the Hornets get two top-five selections! Clearly the NBA wants New Orleans back on the NBA map. Clearly.
Conspiracy when the Hornets drop in the lottery:
*See slide three.
Conspiracy when the Trail Blazers get a top-three pick:
David Stern feels SO bad about the whole "Greg Oden career-injured" business that he makes sure Portland gets two top-seven picks. Also, Paul Allen, the Blazers owner, lined the commish's pockets with money that he saved from dumping Gerald Wallace midseason and shamelessly tanking his team.
Conspiracy when the Trail Blazers drop in the lottery:
Stern knows what happened LAST TIME the Blazers got a top selection...that big guy that went before Kevin Durant? Yeah, that guy. Anthony Davis is WAY too valuable to the league to let him sit on the Trail Blazers' bench with busted up knees/feet for the rest of his career.
Conspiracy when the Bucks get a top-three pick:
The Bucks are one of the league's most consistently mediocre teams. With a top-three pick, they will instantly become respectable again, and the league can begin a revival of basketball in Milwaukee!
Plus, David Stern loves beer, and Milwaukee has plenty of it. That way, when he goes to watch Anthony Davis in a Bucks jersey for the next 16 years, he can have plenty of awesome Milwaukee brew.
Conspiracy when the Bucks drop in the lottery:
The NCAA never forgave Brandon Jennings for playing basketball overseas instead of in the NBA's accepted project farm system. Stern would never give the Bucks a top pick in fear that the NCAA would see it as a war crime. Plus, he never personally forgave Brandon Jennings for being late to the 2009 draft. How dare he hold up Stern's time!
Conspiracy when the Suns get a top-three pick:
Stern is still making it up to Phoenix for the whole "sorry Robert Horry pushed Steve Nash into the table and that somehow cost you the series" business.
Plus, he is rewarding Nash for sticking with Phoenix for so long by giving him a top-three pick to play with for three years. Can you imagine Nash ally-ooping it to Anthony Davis, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist of Thomas Robinson?
Conspiracy when the Suns drop in the lottery:
Face it, Suns fans. Once Nash leaves, your team is going to be BORING. Stern gets to move you back so a slightly-less-boring Houston squad gets to jump into the top three. That, and Phoenix is way too damn hot. No way would Anthony Davis like it there...got to appease the youngsters!
Conspiracy when the Rockets get a top-three pick:
San Antonio and Dallas are in an inevitable decline. Perfect time for the league to power up the nearly-playoff-ready Rockets and continue to own Texas! The Rockets have a good handful of talent already, and a top-three selection makes the Rockets a sexy alternative to those boring old Spurs.
Conspiracy when the Rockets drop in the Lottery:
Well, considering the Rockets CANNOT drop any lower than pick No. 14...this one really WOULD be a conspiracy!