50 Funniest Quotes in World Football History
Having watched my national team slump to a demoralising 1-0 loss to Oman—yes, there is a nation called Oman—I sought comfort in fast food and humour.
If your nation lost or you're feeling a bit down, hopefully this article will put a smile on your face.
Here are the funniest quotes (in my opinion) in world football history.
Born at the Age of Seven
You're Good...but Not That Good
Juventus Director General and Sports Department CEO Giuseppe Marotta spoke about the possibility of signing Mirko Vučinić:
"Vucinic is someone we like and his arrival wouldn’t block that of a top player."
For your information, despite not being a "top player," Vučinić is currently playing for Juventus.
Ray Hudson's Paradox
For whatever reason after a 5-0 win, then-Miami Fusion manager Ray Hudson marched into the press conference, gave the journalists some food for thought, before storming out:
"I’ve got nothing to say. Any questions?"
When asked which player had performed the best, İlkay Gündoğan clearly had been rehearsing with Nürnberg's public relations team:
"The team was the best player on the pitch."
John Barnes' Trojan Horse Like Thinking
When John Barnes dribbled past six Brazilians to score a sensational goal, he explained why he had the psychological edge:
"The Brazilians were shocked, and I supposed that's why they didn't tackle me, because they thought there was no way an Englishman is going to do this."
Remember this goal was scored in 1984 two years after Telê Santana's Brazilians had wowed the world with one of the most aesthetically pleasing teams in football history.
My Way or the Highway
Louis van Gaal's blunt response to Franck Ribéry's complaints:
"If he wants to play on his own, he can go and play tennis."
Volatile on the Centre, the Right and Sometimes the Left
Asked whether he was a volatile player, David Beckham said:
"Well, I can play in the centre, on the right, and occasionally on the left side."
To be fair to Beckham, versatile and volatile rhyme, so he probably misheard.
Andriy or Kristen's Fault That Jordan Forgot Italian?
With Andriy Shevchenko miserable in London, then A.C. Milan manager Carlo Ancelotti gave his reason on why the Milanesta forward would return to Milan:
"Sheva’s son forgot Italian, so that’s why he wants to come back to Milan."
I Love Ian Holloway
This is why:
"To put it in gentleman’s terms, if you’ve been out for a night and you’re looking for a young lady and you pull one, you’ve done what you set out to do. We didn’t look our best today but we pulled. Some weeks the lady is good looking and some weeks she’s not. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She may not have been the best looking lady we ended up taking home but it was still very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much and let’s have coffee."
Not a Fan of the Local Girls or Beer
Georgi Hristov probably didn't pull many Barnsley girls after this quote:
"The local girls are far uglier than the ones in Belgrade. Our women are far prettier and they don't drink as much beer."
We Didn't Lose Even Though We Lost
The late great Sir Bobby Robson putting a spin on losing:
"Manchester United dropped points, Liverpool dropped points, Chelsea dropped points, Everton dropped points, so in a way we haven't lost anything at all really, although we dropped all three."
The Pope Lives in the Vatican Because He Is the Pope
Ronaldo going in-depth on the team's performance:
"We lost because we didn't win."
Miracle on Grass
When the United States, a team filled with a bunch of misfits and semi-pros, beat powerhouse England 1-0, Harry Keough opined:
"Boy, I feel sorry for these bast----. How are they ever going to live down the fact we beat them?"
Wayne Rooney's Biggest Fan: Michael Jackson
Wayne Rooney was set to make his international debut at age 17 and Gordon Strachan opined:
"It’s an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson."
A Dunce in Maths?
Former Southampton manager Lawrie McMenemy getting his numbers wrong:
"When you are 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1."
Je N'aime Pas Les Français
For whatever reason, the French aren't so well-liked.
Here's Diego Maradona trying to justify why he doesn't like Michel Platini:
"We all know how the French are, and Platini is French, and he believes he is better than rest."
Gérson took a similar approach when he was controversially omitted from Pelé's top 100:
"I'm behind 11 Frenchmen? This is a joke to have to hear this."
Aside from João Domingos Pinto's workhorse-like attitude, Pinto also gained infamy for this response when asked to give a predicted scoreline:
"Predictions are only for after the game."
Mark Viduka's Logic
Mark Viduka, one of Australia's best players in recent memory, defined illogical when he said this:
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
#12 Wolfgang Overath and #3 Paul Breitner
It's the 1974 FIFA World Cup final. The Dutch had already scored without the West Germans even touching the ball. Now Paul Breitner has a penalty to equalise.
Wolfgang Overath goes over to Breitner, who is standing on the penalty spot, and this funny conversation arises:
Overath: What’s going on? Do you want to shoot the penalty?
Breitner: What do you think I’m doing here Wolfgang? I’m going to put it away. Now sod off.
Julian Dicks Was a ....
How on earth does a club of Liverpool's stature sign a player of Julian Dicks' quality?
Oh well...enjoy this quote about Dicks:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Romário: No Future as a Manager
Romário contradicting himself as he became player-manager of Vasco da Gama:
"Will I become a coach in the future? No way, I'd never be able to put up with someone like me."
Ruud Gullit Too Busy with Sexy Football Than with Numbers
Ruud Gullit must also use "we must give it 102 percent:"
"We must have had 99 percent of the game. It was the other three percent that cost us the match."
30-7 = 19?
Lee Bowyer may not have been so good at maths:
"I’m 30 now, but back when I was 19...that’s seven years ago."
I Don't Consider Myself a Forward, I Just Play off the Last Defender
Michael Owen denying he was superstitious:
"I don't believe in superstitions. I just do certain things because I'm scared in case something will happen if I don't do them."
Benito Mussolini's Words of Encouragement
Going into the 1938 FIFA World Cup final, then Fascist leader Benito Mussolini told the Italians that they would win or die.
The Italians won 4-2 prompting Hungarian goalkeeper Antal Szabó to look at the brighter things in life:
"I may have let in four goals, but at least I saved their lives."
Big Ron Not so Big on Words
Ron Atkinson has a history of making stupid remarks like:
"Well, Clive, it’s all about the two M’s—movement and positioning."
Italians Left Red Faced
During the 1966 FIFA World Cup, Italian manager Edmondo Fabbri sent assistant Ferruccio Valcareggi to scout the North Koreans.
Valcareggi came back and reportedly described the North Koreans as "Una squadra di Ridolini (a team of clowns)."
The team of clowns would leave the Italians red faced by causing one of the biggest FIFA World Cup upsets when they triumphed 1-0.
Barry Venison Not a Fan of Socks
Here is Barry Venison describing his pre-game ritual:
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
I Ain't No Bench Warmer
Jens Lehmann didn't respect Manuel Almunia's bench warming ability:
"To be sitting on the bench behind somebody who only started to play when he was 30 is not funny."
Vinnie Jones Is an Actor???
When Vinnie Jones made his international debut for Wales, Jimmy Greaves wasn't so impressed:
"Stone me! We’ve had cocaine, bribery and Arsenal scoring two goals at home. But just when you thought there were no surprises left in football, Vinnie Jones turns out to be an international player."
No Wonder He Ran so Much
Here is Dave Jones giving a nice assessment of Carlton Palmer's ability:
"He covers every blade of grass out there… but that's only because his first touch is so crap."
Lorenzo Amoruso Loved Baileys Irish Cream but Was Never a Billy McNeill
Tommy Docherty wasn't exactly a big fan of Lorenzo Amoruso:
"Somebody compared him to Billy McNeil, but I don’t remember Billy being crap."
Daft as a Brush
Paul Gascoigne, the maths whiz:
"I've had 14 bookings this season—eight of which were my fault, but seven of which were disputable."
Jesus, Er, No, Berti Vogts Walks
Berti Vogts using a creative analogy to describe Scottish journalists:
"If people had seen me walking on water, you can be sure someone, somewhere would have complained: 'Look at that Berti Vogts, he can't even swim'."
Iker Casillas Doesn't Dive
When asked if he attempted to get an opponent sent off, Iker Casillas said:
"I never dive."
Well...goalkeepers just don't dive.
Garry Birtles Should Have Used Some Dark Arts During His Time at Old Trafford
Garry Birtles appreciating El Hadji Diouf's art-form:
"Diouf is a master of the dark art of the winger. He draws you in, he sucks you off."
I'd Love It If I'd Made Sense
Kevin Keegan forgetting about No. 1:
"They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that."
Alan Shearer Throwing Himself Under the Bus
Alan Shearer once said:
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Does that mean Alan Shearer doesn't try his best?
Manolo Preciado Eating His Words
Sporting Gijón manager Manolo Preciado attempted to deflect from his team's 6-1 loss to Barcelona:
"I might be eating my words but I reckon Real Madrid suit us more than Barcelona."
Two days later, Real Madrid won 7-1.
3 > 3?
Les Ferdinand's inside information on what some managers think:
"Any manager will tell you that they would rather win one and lose two than to draw three, because you get more points."
For your information, the strip Ferdinand is wearing in the photo isn't that of Newcastle United, more so Beşiktaş.
Is England a Foreign Country?
Poor old Ian Rush can never live down that line he made describing his short and failed overture at Juventus:
"It was like living in a foreign country."
Rush later rebutted the quote, saying it was an in-joke between Liverpool players and that he had never said it.
Those Germans Only Have an Advantage Because They're Internationals
Steve Lomas failed to grasp the concept of international football:
"Germany are a very difficult team to play. They had 11 internationals out there today."
José Mourinho's Monaco Fondness
Catania owner Pietro Lo Monaco admitted that he wanted to hit José Mourinho.
Mourinho cheekily replied:
"As for Lo Monaco I do not know who he is. With the name Monaco I have heard of Bayern Monaco and the Monaco GP, the Tibetan Monaco, and the Principality of Monaco. I have never heard of any others."
I'd Love to Travel to Ibiza in Italy
Mark Draper displaying his geographical competency:
"I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
Draper got his chance to play with an "Italian club" when he was signed on loan to Rayo Vallecano.
Zlatan Ibrahimović Is the Man
When questioned about his sexuality, Zlatan Ibrahimović responded:
"Come back to my house and you'll see how gay I am. Oh and bring your sister."
David Beckham and Christ
One should ask David Beckham the question what the first six letters in christened mean:
"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
Huang Jianxiang: Forza Italia!
Huang Jianxiang's reaction made me think he won big on a bet. Here are my favourite parts:
"Penalty! Penalty! Penalty! Grosso's done it! Grosso's done it!
Goal! Game over! Italy win! Beat the Socceroos! They do not fall in front of Hiddink again! Italy the great! Italian left back the great! Long live Italy! Happy birthday to Maldini! Forza Italia!
Australians should go home. They don't need to go as far away as Australia as most of them are living in Europe. Farewell."
England Mauled 2-1 by Norway
Bjørge Lillelien went crazy after Norway defeated England:
"We are the best in the world! We are the best in the world! We have beaten England 2-1 in football! It is completely unbelievable! We have beaten England! England, birthplace of giants. Lord Nelson, Lord Beaverbrook, Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Anthony Eden, Clement Attlee, Henry Cooper, Lady Diana—we have beaten them all. We have beaten them all. Maggie Thatcher can you hear me?...Your boys took a hell of a beating! Your boys took a hell of a beating!"
The irony is that England qualified for the 1982 FIFA World Cup, whereas Norway didn't.
Tiziano Crudeli: Pazzo
I have no idea what Tiziano Crudeli is saying but as they say football is one language.
I love his face when a team (any team let alone Inter Milan) scores against his beloved A.C. Milan before Crudeli does what has made him famous.
Watch and enjoy.