Cristiano Ronaldo and the 12 Biggest Wusses in Soccer

Where I grew up, playing soccer meant playing a wussy sport.

"You play soccer? That's a wussy sport," said the high school football coach. And the basketball coach. And, yes, the tennis coach too.

Well, I'm sorry to break it to all those progressive thinkers, but soccer is not a wussy sport.

This list, though, might not provide the best argument.

Ever seen a soccer player dive? Ever seen one clutch his face when he gets fouled on the leg? Ever seen them wear silly clothing?

Yeah, I have too, way too many times.

That's a wuss move. And while the sport doesn't deserve that slanderous adjective, these players certainly do.

Cristiano Ronaldo

Portugal's Cristiano Ronaldo is an outstanding soccer player.

But no one in the history of the world has ever feared him. Ever.

That's why he tries to pick fights with opposing coaches instead of fellow players.

Plus, he moans that people hate him because he's so rich and handsome. Oh no!

And he cries. A lot.

Oh yeah: He also dives all the time.

Rivaldo

The worst part about Rivaldo's ridiculous acting during the 2002 World Cup is that it actually worked.

He got the other player sent off.

Ashley Cole

Dear Ashley,

We'd like to make fun of you because you have a girl's name. But that's too easy.

So we just make fun of you for playing soccer like this.

Signed,

The Whole World

P.S. Even Cristiano Ronaldo thinks you're a wuss.

Luis Figo

Luis Figo has a face meant for romance novel covers.

That's why he has to take care of it so meticulously.

Tomas Rosicky

Tomas Rosicky looks frighteningly like an all-grown-up John Connor.

But there's no way this guy is going to lead mankind's revolt against the machines.

Alberto Gilardino

When Alberto Gilardino decides to stop playing soccer, Hollywood will be waiting.

Robert Pires

Robert Pires is French. He farts in your general direction.

He's also a weakling. Either that, or he loves to dive.

Thierry Henry

Mon Dieu! Mon visage!

Ouchies. The grass is so mean!

My toe hurts!

Rodrigo Nunes de Sa

Who is Rodrigo Nunes de Sa?

He's a ref who took a dive, and recently, too.

Call in the riot squad!

Nani

The complexities and nuances of Nani's mind are indecipherable to a mere layman.

Here, in Exhibit A, he suffers a foul. Thirty seconds later, he falls down. He pounds the ground with maniacal calculation and then gets the trainer to examine his leg.

Here, in Exhibit B, he head butts an opponent—and falls over holding his own head.

Jurgen Klinsmann

Please, Klinsi, forgive me.

You're still my hero and it's still my life's ambition to interview you.

But this was so dang wussy that I just can't leave it out.

Ronaldinho

Wanna see Ronaldinho try to start a fight?

You're welcome.