What Will Be the Next Big Sports Scandal?

Scandals in sports come in many shapes and sizes: sexual trysts, cheating, doping, players partying way too hard, match-fixing, the accepting of bribes and many, many more.

But what will be the next big scandal in sports? What will grip the nation in the same way as the Tiger Woods scandal, or steroids in baseball?

On the following slideshows, you'll find 20 scandals that may not happen, but the possibility exists that they could.

Important Note: None of these things have actually happened as described.

To the slides!

20. Match-Fixing in European Soccer

Honestly, match-fixing is probably happening somewhere in Europe as you read this.

19. Roy Oswalt Kills Squirrel, Enrages PETA

After that damn squirrel ran onto the field in Game 4 of the 2011 NLDS during a Roy Oswalt pitch, inspiring the Cardinals to embrace the "Rally Squirrel," well, Roy Oswalt wasn't happy.

How will Oswalt respond? By getting his gun, going out into the woods, shooting a bunch of squirrels and posting them online after the Phillies were defeated by the Cardinals.

His actions will be decried by PETA and put on the group's "Most Wanted List" that they'll fashion after the incident, which will also include athletes such as Randy Johnson, every horse jockey ever, musician and hunting-enthusiast Ted Nugent, deceased president Theodore Roosevelt and for some strange reason, Spider-Man (apparently, exposing spiders to radioactive materials is even cruel in fiction).

18. Rhythmic Gymnast Ribbon-Strangling

The nation will be shocked when a rhythmic gymnast (we'll call her Suzie Screwed) will be strangled by one of those long, flowing ribbons the gymnasts use and threatened to drop out of a tournament by her assaulter.

It will later be discovered that the assaulter is the boyfriend of Screwed's rival, and will claim upon questioning that he simply wanted to see his baby finally beat "that snotty little ribbon-twirler."

Screwed will suffer only minor injuries (along with trauma) from the incident and will compete in the contest. After performing a fantastic routine, however, she—along with many in the crowd—will be shocked to see the judges award her a mediocre score.

Days later it will be discovered that a French judge had been influenced to alter Screwed's scores so as to allow a different French gymnast the opportunity to take home a medal.

Suzie Screwed will promptly retire from gymnastics.

17. Michael Jordan Reads "Mein Kampf"

That alone wouldn't be a scandal, but when paired with that mustache he was shortly rocking, well...let's just say people will get suspicious.

16. Ed Hochuli Steroid Scandal

The warning signs were in front of our faces the entire time, but we just didn't want to believe it was true.

In the press conference when he admits to his steroid use, Hochuli will throw a yellow flag and tearfully note that he is giving himself an "Unsportsmanlike Conduct" penalty.

15. Serena Williams Assault on an Umpire

Unhappy with a decision made by an umpire during a tennis match, Williams will fling her racket in disgust, striking the umpire in between the eyes and knocking her out cold.

Williams will be suspended for a year, though she will become a favorite on snarky blogs everywhere for her famous quote after the incident:

"Am I sorry? Hell yeah, I'm sorry—I dented my favorite racket on her forehead."

14. Metta World Peace Illegal Mouse-Racing Ring

It was horrific when the nation discovered Michael Vick was engaged in an illegal dog-fighting ring.

It will just sort of be gross when the nation learns that Metta World Peace was involved in an unsanitary mouse-racing ring.

The public didn't see it coming, though they should have—people will literally bet on anything. Even mouse racing.

13. Scandal in the Braves Clubhouse

It will be leaked by an anonymous source that several of the Braves players were often found eating biscuits and gravy, drinking corn whiskey, throwing peaches at one another and inviting strippers and porn stars into the clubhouse during games.

The story will be widely ignored, however.

12. Cardinals Stealing Signs

I know what you're thinking: How the hell did the Cardinals beat the Phillies this year?

Well, beyond that pesky little squirrel, a scandal will arise after the series suggesting that the Cardinals had used binoculars to steal signs and used a covert set of microphones and transmitters to alert batters about the pitch about to be thrown.

They also tapped the phones of the Phillies players, put various voodoo spells on Ryan Howard and threatened harm to the loved ones of Cliff Lee if he pitched well against them.

I'm still bitter.

11. Derek Holland's Fake Mustache

In a scandal that will cause children to prematurely lose their innocence and send facial-hair enthusiasts into weeping fits in public places, Derek Holland will admit after the World Series that his beloved mustache was in fact a fake, and he had been using mustache-enhancing paint all along.

Players such as Brian Wilson and Jayson Werth will express their outrage on Twitter, while teammate Mike Napoli will simply respond with, "Something just never seemed right...but I never expected this!"

10. Steve Williams the Cheater

Steve Williams lost respect for Tiger Woods after the sex scandal of the sporting century broke out.

But golfers everywhere will lose respect for Steve Williams when it comes out that for many years before the sex scandal, Williams had been caddying for other golfers on the sly between Tiger's tournaments.

Including one amateur golfer who really liked eating at Perkins, of course.

9. Aaron Rodgers Sexting Deanna Favre

Included with the pictures of his—well, let's just call it his little signal-caller—Rodgers will send Deanna Favre the following texts:

That's why I wear the belt, baby.

That sure is worth the wait, isn't it?

You're damn right I have some great talent to work with.

Your husband is a jerkface.

8. Andy Reid Eating Scandal

It was one thing when Mark Sanchez was spotted eating a hot dog on the sideline.

It will be quite another when Andy Reid is photographed eating the entirety of two cheesesteaks that had been folded within a large pizza during halftime, ignoring the other coaches that were busy making adjustments for the second half.

Rumors will circulate that when defensive coordinator Juan Castillo asked for some pizza, Reid gave him an enormous piece of the pie that Castillo clearly couldn't handle.

7. Reggie Bush's Name Fetish

In a shocking interview on Jim Rome is Burning, Bush will admit that his life goal is to date as many hot and moderately famous women with alliterative names as is possible. He will go on to admit that he simply could not love a woman without an alliterative name.

It began with Kim Kardashian. Then there were the Jessie James rumors, and his name fetish was solidified when he began dating her lookalike, Melissa Molinaro.

He'll then list some of the women he had his eye on—Maria Menounos, Jenna Jameson, Amy Adams, Kelly Kelly and Courtney Cox, to name a few—before hitting a low point and relenting that he would even be interested in Lindsay Lohan.

It will spark controversy when a women's right group known as "I Didn't Name Myself, So Don't Judge Me By That, Please"—IDNMSDJMBTP for short—protests anything and everything related to Reggie Bush, leading to bounties of negative press, leading to the Dolphins cutting him.

Okay, so that won't be the real reason the Dolphins cut him, but it won't help.

6. Maria Sharapova's Side Action

Shockingly, one of the sporting world's fondest sex symbols will be caught cheating on her man, NBA player Sasha Vujacic, with an assortment of basketball players nobody has ever heard of.

Most of the outrage will come when people learn that she was engaged to Vujacic in the first place, however. 

5. Conference Realignment Bribery

In a move that will shock approximately no one, college football's conference realignment will take a strange turn when it is outed that schools like TCU received illegal incentives for joining conferences like the Big 12.

An investigation will follow that illuminates the illegal bribes and gifts the presidents of the schools received in order to steer their university toward the conference of choice. It will include one president who was promised a lifetime of free strippers, hookers, tattoos, under-the-table gifts of money, new cars and some pretty dope bling.

In a completely nonsensical move that will shock approximately no one, those schools will be put on athletic probation, thereby punishing all of the players at that institution who had nothing to do with the scandal but will not be able to participate in any future bowl games.

4. David Beckham's Many Trysts

Apparently, Posh isn't enough spice for Beckham's love life.

In a sordid scandal that will give members of the British tabloids wet dreams for years to come, it will surface that Beckham had an affair with each and every member of the Spice Girls. And the Pussycat Dolls. And Wilson Phillips. And Lance Bass, but only because Becks thought he said he was in the group Ann Sink, and he had been drinking, and things just got a little weird, you know?

The scandal—named GirlGroupGate in America, because that's how we roll—will end the Becks-Posh power couple and distract Becks to the point that his game will decline.

Okay, so that won't be why his game declines, but it won't help.

3. Tom Brady's Affair

This scandal will start innocently enough—rumors of an affair will be spread by the anonymous source that every gossip rag apparently has access to.

But when it becomes known with whom Brady is sleeping, it will shock a nation. It was...

...Maureen McCormick! That's right, the actress who played Marcia Brady on The Brady Bunch!

This is where you gasp.

When asked why Brady cheated on his supermodel wife Gisele with the 55-year-old McCormick, Brady will answer, "Because I'm Tom Brady and I do what I want. Plus, she lets me call her Marcia."

Strange.

2. Tragedy at the Presidents Race

It will become one of the most bizarre moments in mascot history.

Imagine the horror on the face of one Abraham Lincoln when, in the midst of his run around the ballpark, he'll spot a nefarious figure dressed as John Wilkes Booth sprinting directly toward him.

The ensuing beatdown will lead to an arrest for assault, countless replays of the incident on SportsCenter, an outcry for better security during the Presidents and Sausage Races, and a whole lot of people wondering why somebody didn't spot the dude dressed like John Wilkes Booth and find the getup to be suspicious in the first place.

Someone will then explain that he simply looked like every other hipster in DC.

1. Tim Tebow Gets Busy

Let's keep it real for a second. All it would take is one woman to come forward and say she slept with Tebow—out of wedlock!—for a scandal to emerge.

And while most of us wouldn't be at all surprised if it happened—he's a human being and everyone likes sex—two sects of people would not be cool with it at all:

The religious folks who expected him to be a poster child for their beliefs, and the snarky crowd who would be incredibly pleased to watch him be made a hypocrite.

And then other women would come forward claiming they too had slept with Tebow, and maybe some would be telling the truth and others lying, and his image would take a hit, and the whole thing would be really absurd and drawn out.

Ugh.

My name is Timothy Rapp, and I put the "grrrr" in Swagger.