Joe Son and MMA's 10 Craziest Criminals

Nostradamus lives. He was reincarnated as a karate black belt living in the American Midwest. He now goes by the name of Keith Hackney.

After conducting exhaustive (by which I mean "no") research, this is the only conclusion a sane person can reach. Why else would Hackney have attempted to mete out such a fitting punishment for a heinous crime—14 years BEFORE that crime came to light?

Mind-blowing though it may be, it is the only way to explain Hackney's—or, excuse me, Nostradamus's—heretofore inexplicable attack on Joe Son's genitalia back in 1994 at UFC 4. Hackneydamus simply knew something we didn't. And that something was called "the future."  

He must have somehow discerned the corrosion inside Joe Son. Fast forward to this past August, and now we can all see it. Joe Son committed a horrible crime. Maybe multiple horrible crimes. In retrospect, Hackney's prescience against the backdrop of the truth is almost blinding.

Son, who you might remember from such films as "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery," is now the guy standing at the very back of a DMV-worthy line of MMA fighters who found themselves on the other side—waaaay on the other side—of the law, and perhaps sanity.

Even though 99 percent of professional fighters are decent, respectful people who live reasonably upstanding lives, the fact that combat is your chosen vocation means you're going to attract a few bedfellows with combative—dare I say even violent—personalities. Like a mosquito to blood.

Here, then, are the 10 MMA fighters who not only strayed from the straight and narrow but lost their GPS trackers and, I'm afraid, became a little feral out there. 

VERY Dishonorable Mention: Jarrod Wyatt

In a very small nutshell: the guy ingested some strong intoxicants, had some kind of breakdown and horrifically mutilated and murdered his friend. If you want more details, Google it.

He's a crazy criminal, to be sure. But he only fought professionally once. The "MMA Fighter Arrested For Brutal Murder" hook was easy, compelling and, let's not forget, true.

But at the same time, it's not like the guy was in a major promotion, or even experienced in the sport in any substantial way. Not even the hardest of the hardcore fans had heard of him before this episode.

So, while it was an easy and understandable headline to write, it was also a little lazy, and unnecessarily impugned an undeserving sport.

That's all a long-winded way of saying Jarrod Wyatt is DQ'd from this list.

10. Renato "Babalu" Sobral

Babalu has multiple arrests to his credit, including the one that led to the picture in this slide. It came after he was arrested for spitting on a bouncer.

Overarching all of this, though, is the fact that Babalu, in a sport populated by scary-looking dudes, might be the scariest-looking dude of them all.  

And if you thought otherwise, let yourself be swayed by this mugshot photo, in which he's wearing his own freaking T-shirt.

9. Maiquel Falcao

Falcao was arrested in Brazil on Dec. 3 on charges he assaulted a woman outside a nightclub in 2002.  Stay classy. 

Following the arrest, the UFC released Falcao after one controversial fight in the Octagon.

But in a move that should give hope to alleged woman beaters everywhere, Bellator signed Falcao just last weekend. 

8. Junie Browning

In 2009, the erratic Ultimate Fighter veteran won himself an all-expenses-paid trip to the pokey after punching and kicking some emergency room nurses who had the audacity to try and treat him for an intentional pill overdose.  During the incident, Browning threatened to "kill and rape" the nurses' families.  Come on now, Junie.  Do you kiss your sister with that mouth?

The UFC dropped Browning after the ER episode. Junie now toils in the MMA hinterlands, where he has lost four of five since the incident.

7. Chael Sonnen

It's been a roller-coaster ride for Mr. Chael Sonnen's personal life these last few years.

Up: Intelligent, talented fighter takes three of first four contests in the Octagon, gets title shot with Anderson Silva.

Down: Strange and ill-fated run for state legislature in native Oregon.

Up:  Has another sweet side job as a real estate agent.

Down: Launders money.

Up:  Beating Silva handily through four rounds.

Down: Forced to tap to a choke late in the final stanza.

Another Down:  Fails drug screen following loss, suspended until June.

Another Down:  Gets caught for aforementioned money laundering.

Up:  Only gets fine and probation in criminal court!

Down: Suspended indefinitely by California State Athletic Commission.

Down: Suspension upheld. 

Up: Suspension completed. Sonnen reportedly set to offer money-laundering seminar.*


*Eh, not true 

6. Mike Whitehead

Whitehead competed in season 2 of The Ultimate Fighter and also spent time in Strikeforce, the WEC and the IFL.

More recently, though, he spent time in a Nevada jail after two females accused him of sexual assault. Two detectives who went to his house to serve the warrant then found an indoor (and rather extensive) pot-growing operation.

Last month, Whitehead pleaded no contest to attempted sexual assault. He could be looking at between two and 20 years in state prison. 

5. Charles "Krazy Horse" Bennett

I'll take any excuse I can to use this photo. It was actually on the front of my wedding invitation.

Bennett has had a few brushes with the law. More than 20, to be exact. Nothing big, though. Just a little cocaine. And domestic assault and false imprisonment. And something called "aggravated battery with grievous bodily harm." OK, so he's not Mother Theresa. But at least it wasn't all on the same day, YOUR MAJESTY.

All we have to do now is find out how the “Horse” part got into his nickname.

4. War Machine

Here's a little nugget of wisdom I hope to one day pass on to my children on their wedding days. When the police are arresting you, and you're so unruly that they have to put a special bag over your head to prevent you from expelling various bodily fluids on you, well, it's probably time to rethink some things. Starting with the man in the mirror.

But this wasn't an isolated achievement in the field of craziness by the artist formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver. I can't imagine Mrs. Machine is so proud of her loin fruit right about now. But I could be wrong.

Machine's mantel-worthy snapshot with the spit bag came courtesy of TMZ. It all happened outside a San Diego nightclub called Thrusters, which I believe has an aerospace theme. 

This UFC and Bellator veteran riled up MMA fans in 2008 by publicly speculating that fellow fighter Evan Tanner's death was a suicide, committed because he didn't make enough money (examiners determined it wasn't; Machine didn't care).  Bellator cut Machine after he made some incredibly strange and inflammatory remarks about Barack Obama just after the 2008 election.  It seems 2008 was not a banner year for Machine.

Machine has also backed out of several fights at the last minute, and once flat-out refused to accept a bout offered to him by the UFC. He has also tried his hand at adult film acting.

Last year, following his third assault-related arrest, a judge released Machine from the onerous restraints of a civil society by sentencing him to a year in a California jail. He left in July following a one-year term, which he apparently spent in "administrative segregation."

In a rather brilliant marketing move, Machine will face part-time vigilante and fellow TMZ alum Roger Huerta Nov. 26 in a minor-league Texas promotion. 

3. Viacheslav Datsik

Potential schizophrenic, unapologetically dirty fighter and an unrepentant neo-Nazi and racist.  He also once escaped from a Russian psych ward using only a blanket. 

2. Joe Son

Joe Son was 0-4 in his professional MMA career. Maybe the problem was that he was trying to pick on people his own size.

As part of a 2008 probation agreement following a vandalism conviction, a DNA test linked Son to brutal sexual crimes committed against a young woman back in 1990. 

Just last week, Son—now serving a life sentence with possibility of parole after being convicted of rape, torture, kidnapping and other charges—was accused of murdering his cellmate. 

It appears that Son will rot in jail for a very long time. What's harder to determine is how much more rotten this person can get.  

1. "Lightning" Lee Murray

Please remind me that if I ever see “Lightning” Lee Murray coming my way, I should just drop my dignity where it lies and run away as fast as my legs will carry me. Please also remind me to squeal like a girl as I do this, as that might help the authorities locate me more quickly.

For you see, Murray is more than just a fighter. He is literally one of the most notorious criminals in the history of Great Britain.

Last June, Murray was sentenced to 10 years in jail for masterminding a 2006 bank heist that netted ₤53 million (about $85 million U.S., by today’s standards). He is now serving his time in a Moroccan prison. That's in Morocco.

It must not be the Ritz-Carlton, because he once tried to escape by sneaking small saws into his cell and trying to cut the bars with them.

And that's to say nothing of the brawl with Tito Ortiz.

The tales go on and on. Just read this story and tell me if you think you still have any doubts about who MMA's craziest criminal really is. Son is more evil. But for sheer craziness and criminality, "Lightning" Lee Murray takes the cake.