Daily Radar: Hottest Stories for Thursday, Oct. 13
David Ortiz wants to be a Yankee, the Brewers were Tony Plush light and that Nelson Cruz is so hot right now.
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Let's dish.
1. David Ortiz drives knife deeper, then begins to twist
David Ortiz, meet reality. I don't believe you two are acquainted. You simply can't say what he did and not expect to receive anything less but hatred and headless Big Pappi bobble heads in the mail.
Question on everybody's mind: Wait, what did the big fella say?
Our take: Ortiz said in the thickest of accents that there is too much drama in Boston, and New York seems like a pretty cool place—only it was said with more melodrama than a very special episode of Blossom.
Hype Meter: 5-out-5 Please, Papi, They've Had Enoughs.
Question, when did the Red Sox nation turn into a bunch of emos? You have two World Series titles in 10 years. Dodgers fans look at you like the kid who whines because his dad got him a Jeep Cherokee at graduation.
You forgot about the video games tweet award:
Related link: ESPN Speaks to a Clueless David Ortiz
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2. HE PROBABLY JUST ATE A BAD OYSTER
David Stern has come out to say that his gut tells him games for Christmas may be in danger. That makes him the ugliest man to ever play the Grinch.
Question on Everybody's Mind: Will we see NBA by Christmas?
Our Take: The owners aren't buying that the players have any leverage. They will continue to be more stubborn than my wife when she is clearly in the wrong. Which is always.
Hype Meter: 5-out-5 Spiked Eggnogs
If you haven't yet put your affairs in order, now would be the time. Buy a video game console, or subscribe to Netflix. Hell, plan that three-month safari you always dreamed of, because there will not be any NBA basketball for the next few months.
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3. VIRTUS BOLOGNA IS EMBARRASSING THEMSELVES
Someone should tell Italian side Virtus Bologna they are embarrassing their country. Like a drunk buddy that can't help but hit on an uninterested woman, they are fooling themselves.
Question on Everybody's Mind: Will Italy Get the Mamba?
Our Take: The Italian club has gone from a season for millions, to a few games for millions, to now offering Kobe a couple million for one game. Yes, I think he will play in this one off.
Hype Meter: 3-out-5 Some Italian is Going to Get Dunked Ons
The NBA is much closer to being cancelled than it is to playing. Savor every last Kobe moment you can get. I am actually hoping the goes to Italy dunks on some hairy dude and gives him the Mamba stare down. Talk about YouTube gold.
Related Link: It's Time to Fear the NBA Lockout
Related Link: LA Times Reports on What would be Pay Raise for Kobester
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4. WHOA, NELLY
Nelson Cruz continued to hit Tigers pitching like he was taking batting practice. The Rangers are in the driver's seat, which—for those not familiar with sports clichés—means the Tigers are finished.
Question on everybody's mind: What went wrong?
Our take: Aside from pitching to Nelly, the Tigers also tried to run on him. Cruz could have jogged the ball in to get a chubby Miggy Cabrera at home in the eighth. Someone should have put a meatball sub at home plate. Miggy may have just been safe.
Hype Meter: 3-out-5 Miggy Benders
Something has been weighing heavy on my mind. If the Red Sox were crushing fried chicken and beer all season, what are the fine specimens in Detroit chowing down on? Cabrera and Jose Valverde look like two before pictures that just gave up. I would seriously be afraid of accidentally asking Valverde when the baby was due if I met him. I have nightmares about it, actually.
Related link: Yahoo! Sports Breaks Down Rangers Caging of Tigers
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5. CARDS BULLY BREWERS
Mark Kotsay should send a gift basket to the Cards bullpen because his speed is not the story on Thursday, the Cardinals bullpen is. Seriously, Kotsay is still trying to run down John Jay's pop-up.
Question on everybody's mind: Can the Brewers bounce back?
Our take: Yes, by playing Tony Plush. Nyjer Morgan is like Ron Artest with ability. I don't care if he is slumping, you play that mad man and reap the rewards, or look the other way. Either way, fans win.
Hype Meter: 2-out-5 Mark Kotsay Pick Offs
You know it's a slow news day when a game won by the bullpen is highlighted. Honestly, a Tim Tebow tummy ache could move this story down a rung.
Related link: USA Today, like, Totally Hearts Cardinals Bullpen
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6. AUBURN IS CLEAN...WAIT, WHAT?
My assumption meter must be broken, because the Auburn Tigers are cleaner than the, well, I can't think of a clean program right now.
Question on everybody's mind: Can we finally move on now?
Our take: I guess so, but I don't like it. This is like finding out that neighbor that looks like a character from The Sopranos is actually working part-time at a soup kitchen. It just doesn't seem right.
Hype Meter: 2-out-5 Cinemax Shows After 9 p.m.
Finding out a program is actually clean is as scintillating as watching a premium cable channel after dark. Sure, it seems interesting at first, but that only lasts until you remember you recorded some Workaholics episodes.
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7. NBA AND PLAYERS ASK FOR A MOMMY
When I was a kid and found that my little brother was being ridiculous, I would flick him in the ear. Sometimes this meant a lot of crying, so my mother would step in as a mediator to fix the argument. The players and NBA will look to a mediator now, but one who has less power than my mother.
Question on everybody's mind: Will it work?
Our take: Unless the mediator comes into the room and puts David Stern in time-out after spanking him, no. The mediator is there to rack up the hourly bill and nod a lot. This is more pointless than me joining a gym I never had an intention of visiting.
Hype Meter: 1-out-5 David Stern Spankings
It is hard to get amped for something that is assumed to fail. This is like me trying to sit down and laugh at anything Tyler Perry has ever created.
Related link: ESPN Reports on Mommy Meeting
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8. MOVIES CAUSE HOT DOGS TO BE THROWN
Well, we finally have an answer to this week's burning question. No, not "What's that burning sensation?" I am talking about what caused Brandon Kelly to chuck a wiener at Tiger Woods.
Question on everybody's mind: On the edge of my seat, buddy, what was it?
Our take: It appears that it was the movie Drive that did it. Also, he happened to have been drinking. I am sure one had more to do with it than the other. I will let you guess which.
Hype Meter: 1-out-5 Hey, Buddy, I Was Gonna Eat Thats
Remember when we used to talk about how great Tiger Woods was as a golfer? Man, that was sweet. How about when we talked about how bad he was at golfing? Well, now we are talking about hot dogs being thrown at him. He should retire, because I don't like where this is headed.
Movies do lead to violence tweet award:
Related link: Golf.com Has the Scoop on the Hot Dog Fiasco
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Until tomorrow, don't let your kids play with a Mr. Bucket.
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