Alabama Football: Nicknames For the Crimson Tide Stars

Unofficial nicknames for star football players are not an unusual occurrence.  Red "The Galloping Ghost" Grange, "Slingin'" Sammy Baugh, Darren "Run DMC" McFadden and Johnny "The Italian Stallion" Musso are just a few in the history of the sport.  

What nicknames have the 2011 Crimson Tide squad acquired?  Frightfully few, to be honest. Other than the media's fairly lame "Thunder and Thunder" bestowed upon running backs Trent Richardson and Eddie Lacy, there a really haven't been any of note.  

Let's change that. 

Beware! Some of these names are gloriously cheesy.  

Barrett "Swiss Army Knife" Jones

When you see this picture of an obviously non-photoshopped Swiss Army Knife, you can't help but think of workhorse Barrett Jones.  

Is there anything he can't do?  He seems to be effective at playing anywhere on the offensive line.  

Whatever needs doing, Mr. Jones seems to have the tool for the job.  

Trent "Cole Train" Richardson

Warning:  Graphic animated violence in the video.

The older crowd may not know much about the Gears of War video game franchise, but here's a quick rundown.

One of the main characters, Augustus "Cole Train" Cole, was a "Thrashball" running back-type player (the fantasy world's equivalent of our American football) before the monster-induced "apocalypse." He's super-beefy and doesn't let anything get in his way.  Sound familiar?

The media may be keen on calling Trent Richardson "Thunder," but anyone that has played the Gears of War video games can't help but think of Trent Richardson when they see the Cole Train in action.  

I'd sure like Trent on my side during some sort of monster/zombie/flying shark apocalypse.  

Brad "Love That" Smelley

Unlike Pepe Le Pew, everybody loves that Brad Smelley.  

He blocks like a true H-back and catches like a bona fide receiver.  The only thing he does have in common with Pepe is that Brad wont take "No" for an answer. At least not on the field.  

Love that Smelley!

D.J. Fluker You Up

Yea, he will. Don't get in his way!

Here is a picture of D.J. Fluker back in high school.  Don't read the names and try to guess which one he is!

He may not be be the most graceful Tinkerbell on the offensive line, but he reminds me a lot of Manny from "Ice Age."  Elephants are pretty much the same as woolly mammoths, right?

Whatever, he's as big as both.  

Eddie "The Tasmanian Devil" Lacy

Some folks have been referring to Eddie Lacy as "Circle Button." 

In the NCAA Football video game franchise from EA Sports on the Playstation consoles, pressing the circle button causes the ball carrier to execute a spin move.  It's fitting, because Lacy's incredible spin move seems almost unreal; video game-like.  

I think, however,  he more resembles Looney Tunes' Tasmanian Devil.  At least, that is probably what he looks like to opposing defenses.  

William "The Battle Dwarf" Vlachos

So, it may be a bit of an overstatement to call the 6'1", 300-pound center William Vlachos a "dwarf," but he stands almost a full head shorter than his other linemen.  

Just like Gimli from Lord of the Rings, Vlachos is "small" yet ferocious.  

I'd wager anyone would be terrified of a dwarf swinging an axe just as I'd wager defensive linemen don't like waging war with the Battle Dwarf.  

Mark "The Lumberjack" Barron

Yea, Mark Barron is a lumberjack.  When he hits an opponent, he really lays the wood.  

He makes quarterbacks and wide receivers alike think twice before trying to make a play around him. Attempt a pass over the middle while Mark Barron is creeping around and you are really going to feel it in the morning.  

I don't think he wears women's clothing, however.  

Robert "C-RAM" Lester

C-RAM:  Counter Rocket, Artillery, and Mortar.  

Some quarterbacks think they have a rocket for an arm. Well, Mr. Quarterback, meet safety Robert "C-RAM" Lester.

C-RAM is a military device that, as its name implies, shoots stuff out of the sky; preventing it from delivering its payload to the target.  It has kept many of our solider's in Iraq and Afghanistan safe and worry-free from any unfriendly things falling out of the sky that move faster than a bird--though I'm sure some unlucky showboating birds have had a bad day.

Robert Lester may not be the pick-machine he was last year, but the year isn't over yet.  

Good lucky delivering your "payload" with Lester hanging around, Mr. Quarterback.

Dont'a "Stonewall" Hightower

You can't make up nicknames without having to get a little cliché now and then. But Stonewall is about as good a nickname as it gets for Dont'a Hightower. Nothing gets by him.  

Every dog has its day, but for the most part Hightower is an immovable object against the run.  

I also like the name "The Rook" for Hightower.  What can I say, I'm a chess fan who loves lousy puns.  

Courtney "Forced Retirement" Upshaw

Some quarterbacks, like Brett Favre in this video, get to choose when they retire.  

Others, however, aren't so lucky. Othes have linebacker Courtney Upshaw telling them when to sit down.  

Upshaw has become notorious for benching quarterbacks with his ferocious, yet clean hits.  

Offensive lines know that if they can't block Upshaw, they will be protecting a third-string quarterback-turned-wide receiver-turned-quarterback by half time.  

Jesse "The Tattooed Terror" Williams

I'll be honest, thinking up a clever nickname for Jesse Williams is pretty tough.  Larry Burton calls him the "Awesome Aussie," but that just doesn't sound fearsome to me, and fearsome is what Williams is going for with his wicked eye-black, his mohawk-mullet, and, of course, his tats.  

Tattooed Terror seems to be, well, terrifying, albeit wonderfully cheesy.  

He's scary, and he has a lot of tattoos, all of which are symbolic for something meaningful in his life. 

Here's a video of Jesse chasing down a North Texas quarterback (Warning:  He says a bad word!).

Nick "Kung Fu Panda" Gentry

I have not seen someone so rotund be as agile as Nick Gentry since I saw Dreamworks' "Kung Fu Panda."

If you somehow have not noticed, NGentry has a sizable paunch. He also leads the Crimson Tide in sacks with 2.5.  He typically steps in for Josh Chapman during passing situations.  

Speaking of Chapman...

Josh "Caterpillar" Chapman

Josh Chapman is the strongest player on the Crimson Tide roster, or so the rumors go.  How could I not make a reference to some sort of industrial truck?  But a simple "Bulldozer" just wont do.  

Besides, sissy-sounding nicknames work best for monstrous men.  Just look at Butterbean.  

You want something large moved, you get a Caterpillar.  You want a large man moved, you call Chapman.  

Marquis "The Fly" Maze

Ever try to catch a fly with chopsticks?  

Well, forget the chopsticks and try to catch Marquis Maze with your hands.  

He is one of the most wiliest threats in the Crimson Tide arsenal.  

I also like the name "Greased Lightning" for Maze.  Other teams would need a mighty big bottle to catch him.