Premier League: Picking an EPL Tall-Guy XI

As all 6'2" of me sits writing this, I can tell you from experience that being tall has its benefits: Reaching for things on high shelves, looking over the top of crowds and being free to mock your vertically challenged friends for their genetic misfortune.

But for all the advantages of being tall in the real world, is it as beneficial in the extrinsic world of a footballer? In some cases, the answer is obvious—of course it is.

In the physical battle zone of the Premier League goalkeepers, central defenders and centre forwards alike have been signed largely because of their tape measure result.

The problem is this: the short footballer is now very much in vogue. As previously exemplified by 5'5" Diego Maradona, now resurrected by Lionel Messi (5'7") and Barcelona in general, the demand for small, technical footballers is spreading across Europe with the likes of David Silva (5'7") and Sergio Aguero (5'8") beginning to make waves through the Premier League.

But while the tall can still lay claim to prominent roles in the footballing world, let's celebrate some of the tallest players currently plying their trade in the best league in the world. 

My selected formation is a narrow 4-3-3; there is no width because there are no giant wingers. The rule of this list is simple: Every position must be filled by someone vaguely capable of playing that role in a real-life scenario. Hence, I decided against starting Brede Hangeland at full-back.

So without further ado, here is a selection of footballers—pretty much all of whom are more talented when it comes to growing than they are at actually playing football, thrown together to form a completely hypothetical team who wouldn't stand a chance if they ever collaborated in a real-life game. 

Goalkeeper

The easiest position to fill goes to a journeyman of English football.

Martin Fulop has spent time at no less than nine clubs, scaling all kinds of divisions and towns throughout the country.

Now at West Brom, the 6'6" Hungarian is a towering presence physically, but has never replicated that presence overall as an all-around goalkeeper.  

Right-Back

At 6'3", Vedran Corluka is the smallest player on this team, but is the best option as a pure full-back.

Now at Tottenham, after a spell at Manchester City, the Croatian is also a seasoned international stalwart.

Centre-Back

Zat Knight is a huge individual—a towering figure, a tree among the grass of the football and...a mediocre defender.

After breaking through at Fulham at the start of the new millennium, the 6'6" Knight detoured through Aston Villa en route to Bolton, where he now plays alongside Gary Cahill.  

Centre-Back

One of the few men in football who can stand toe-to-toe with Zat Knight and not need to repel their neck ninety degrees to see his head, Per Mertesacker looks like a Stretch Armstrong that's been put through a session on a medieval torture rack.

However, Mertesacker is actually a decent player and has over 75 caps for Germany.

Left-Back

At 6'4", Chris Smalling is certainly tall enough to make this team. Despite not playing at left-back by trade, he is definitely capable of fulfilling the role, given how he's performed at right-back for Manchester United.

Now a full English international, Smalling is going to be a star in the Premier League for years to come.

Centre-Midfield

I wouldn't have guessed Paul Scharner's frame spanned 6'3", but turns out it does, and the West Brom midfielder is a genuinely good footballer who has been a mainstay at the Premier League level.

After four talismanic years at Wigan helping them to a level of success that's now floundering, Scharner has moved on and is now doing the same with Roy Hodgson's side.

Centre-Midfield

Discounting his ridiculously cool Afro, Marouane Fellani still measures 6'4.5".

The Belgian is a forceful player who racks up the bookings, but also provides a threat in the box and a finishing ability with his head.

Centre-Midfield

The 6'4" defensive midfielder joined Blackburn this year and has made three appearances since his arrival.

The Serbian international is still only 22 years old, and could have quite a bright future.

Centre-Forward

Since Nicklas Bendtner could also feature on the Premier League's narcissist XI, I hesitated to include him, mostly because the thought of him starting on any team just isn't right.

His height is the only reason he makes this one.

Now relieved of his duties at Arsenal, albeit on loan, Sunderland fans can look forward to that warm feeling of nauseousness Bendtner provides as he perpetually fails to capitalise on the chances provided for him.

Centre-Forward

In six months, Edin Dzecko has gone from being the biggest waste of £30m since...well, Robinho a couple of years before, to becoming the joint second-most prolific striker in Manchester this year. He still has plenty of time to even leapfrog those ahead of him.

However, you can see why Roberto Mancini spent such a fee on the 25-year-old. At 6'4", Dzeko offers true size and strength, but has great feet and a rare level of comfort with the ball at his feet.

If he can stay as a featured part of the Man City side with the talented playmakers around him, Dzeko should continue to rack up the goals this season.

Centre-Forward

The quintessential "Yeah, he looks interesting, let's give him a shot" player in England, Peter Crouch has played for nine teams—most of whom were Premier League sides when they signed him.

At 6'7", and with almost no muscle or body fat, Crouch is one wiry-looking guy. However, he's made a decent career when it comes to scoring goals.

Now at Stoke—a great fit for both—Crouch will get regular, first-team football and should prove to be very successful in Tony Pulis' system.