Premier League Heroes and Villains: The Golden Balls-Up Awards

The welcome relief of Premier League football washed over us after the comatose fortnight that was the international break. As always, the Golden Balls-Up Awards traveled to the distant reaches of the football universe to discover which stars blazed bright, and who imploded in a supernova of embarrassment.

At Goodison Park, Everton and Aston Villa battled out an eventful 2-2 draw. After Blues midfielder Leon Osman shattered the laws of physics by scoring, captain Stiliyan Petrov curled in a delightful shot from 20 yards to put the visitors back in it.

Villa full-back  gave away a penalty when he decided to use Everton defender Phil Jagielka as a jungle gym. Toffees left-back Leighton Baines took a minute off from his quest to Mordor to destroy the "One Ring" in order to smash the penalty home. However, a late header from Gabby Agbonlahor rescued a vital point for the Villains.

Meanwhile, Norwich City continued to hand out penalties like breath mints, having conceded one in every game this season. Manager Paul Lambert must wish the Canaries boasted as many real defenders as they showcase Clooney-esque side partings.

Although Norwich keeper saved Peter Odemwingie's penalty, the Nigerian striker's earlier goal saw his side safely through 1-0 in a match that could have doubled as a preview for the rugby World Cup.

At the Stadium of Light, John Terry put visiting Chelsea ahead before Daniel Sturridge sealed the three points with an outrageous back heel. Manager Andre Villas-Boas takes the plaudits for finally growing a pair and initiating what should be a lifelong friendship between the Chelsea bench and Fernando Torres' posterior.

Arsene Wenger must have burst a lung laughing when he heard that Sunderland boss Steve Bruce wanted to take Nicklas Bendtner off his hands for a season. Presumably, Bruce was operating on the principle that if Bendtner gets enough touches, one or two are bound to turn into a goal or an assist.

As expected, Bendtner spent much of the 90 minutes getting caught in possession. But Bruce proved to be visionary as late on, Bendtner miss-controlled a long ball which dropped conveniently for teammate Ji Dong-Won to slot home. Unfortunately, it was only a consolation as the Black Cats went down 2-1 to Chelsea.

Having dealt with the rather inconsequential matters of Everton-Villa, Norwich-West Brom and Sunderland-Chelsea, as well as the more consequential pot shot at Fernando, it is time to dive into the pool of picks for this week's Premier League Heroes and Villains...

Most Distinguished Looking Hat Trick Hero: Sergio Aguero

With his tattooed forearm and hair standing at attention, Sergio Aguero looks like a prison inmate's worst nightmare. However, against a lackluster Wigan on Saturday, Aguero took full advantage of four-goal hero Edin Dzeko being rested (for the Champions League fixture in mid-week) in order to plunder a hat trick of his own.

The Sky Blues seemed to decide that football was not really their thing on the day and promptly turned the Wigan goal into a firing range. Miraculously, Wigan keeper Ali Al-Habsi had to collect the ball from the back of his net only once during a first half that was more in keeping with the invasion of Normandy than a game of football.

David Silva walked away with a couple of assists, while even Samir Nasri found time to bag an assist in his 30 minutes en route to a 3-0 flattening of the visitors.

Aguero has had a storming start to his City career, and more importantly according to him (or so we would like to believe), featured twice in this column in three games!

Best Response to a Flung Gauntlet — Wayne Rooney and Manchester United

Last time out, United responded to City's 5-1 thumping of Spurs by completely obliterating Arsenal 8-2 at Old Trafford. This week, City brushed Wigan aside 3-0 only to watch with mouths agape as United went two better at the Reebok to thrash Bolton Wanderers 5-0.

In the process, Wayne Rooney scored his second hat trick in as many games and helped United show up their noisy neighbors in what must be becoming a rather predictable feeling for the Eastlands faithful.

United are playing some dream football at the moment, epitomized by a passage of nine one-touch passes in the second half that left the Bolton defense mesmerized. As usual, former waste of space turned midfield magician Anderson is at the heart of it. The Brazilian does not receive enough credit for the admirable fashion in which he has transformed his game.

He is a sharp, accurate passer and moves swiftly from one pass to the next, stringing together a move much as Paul Scholes did in his hey day. While Michael Carrick's tendency to sit back deprived Anderson of a wall to keep bouncing passes off during an attacking play, young Tom Cleverley likes to drive forward just as much as the Brazilian. This provides Anderson a perfect player to mirror his quick-passing style and mesmerize the opposition into submission.

A hefty chunk of credit for the win on Saturday must also go out to right-back Phil Jones, who has already justified the £16 million Sir Alex Ferguson splashed out on him. Having decided he was not satisfied with England boss Fabio Capello's decision to play John Terry and Gary Cahill at centre-half, Jones put in a masterful display out of position to give Capello a pleasant selection headache.

The youngster, who bears more than a passing resemblance to Ice Age star Manfred the mammoth, bombed forward at will and provided two sumptuous crosses for Wayne Rooney to tap home. Defensively, Jones did his duty splendidly as he kept Bolton's most potent threat—Martin Petrov—silent for long periods.

Hopefully this serves as a wake-up call to Don Fabio and his cronies as well as the few who disagreed so vehemently (and a couple rather rudely) with my prediction that Jones will travel to the European championships next summer as England's first-choice centre-half.

It is quite evident that Jones is, by far, the best defensive player in the country at the moment. Whether you judge him based on talent, form or potential for growth, the ex-Blackburn man excels above and beyond his contemporaries.

It is no exaggeration to say that a defense built around Jones, coupled with an attack focused around Rooney may well obliterate all before it next summer, including such esteemed nations as Germany, and even Spain and the Netherlands.

But we digress...

Best Returning Player / in a Supporting Role — Javier "Chicharito" Hernandez

It is not often that a player scores two goals upon returning from a month-long layoff due to concussion. It is even less often that such a player gets outshone by a teammate scoring a hat trick. Hence Chicharito takes home the Best Returning Player and Best Player in a Supporting Role awards.

In his first competitive start for United since May, it took the Mexican marvel all of four minutes to find the net. For the more statistically inclined, that is a better scoring rate than God himself!

Budding strikers can learn a lot by watching his positioning and movement. For his first goal, Bolton defender Gary Cahill seemed to have Hernandez in his pocket until the Mexican darted out, in and out again to the near post, twisting Cahill into a right pretzel.

In the wake of young Danny Welbeck's impressive performances for United, some fans wondered if Chicharito would ever win back his place in the starting 11. One look at his movement before the first goal shows just how intelligent the Mexican star is, and if this performance is anything to go by, the Golden Boot race this season may well become a four-way showdown between Aguero, Rooney, Dzeko and Chicharito.

Spare a thought, though, for poor Dimitar Berbatov who finds himself relegated to the stands less than a year after winning the Golden Boot himself. When Chelsea visits Old Trafford next week, Fernando Torres may well seek the Bulgarian out and ask if he knows any good card games to pass the time.

Best Performance as a Likable Mario Balotelli — Daniel Sturridge

Having played perennial bridesmaid to a string of lesser strikers with bigger names, Sturridge was finally given his shot at the championship belt when Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas nutted up and dropped the increasingly sulky Fernando Torres. This just begs the question: how sulky and out of form do you have to be for the manager to drop you from a team that features "The Incredible Sulk" himself—Nicolas Anelka?

Either way, Sturridge grasped the opportunity with both hands. He provided a threat for most of the game and scored an early contender for goal of the season, giving Mario Balotelli a lesson in proper back-heel etiquette.

Faced one-on-one with Sunderland keeper Simon Mignolet, Sturridge faked right and lazily back-heeled the ball the other way past the stunned keeper who could only watch as the ball trickled tantalizingly into his goal via the post.

Sturridge might as well have been sipping a margarita on a sunny beach. The only way to up the cool factor was if the Chelsea striker had scored it wearing a tuxedo while swirling a martini, puffing on a cigar and winking across the field at Scarlett Johansson.

In a team of big names and bigger egos, Sturridge has endured a Spartan struggling to establish himself in the first team, although it is fair to assume he has not chest-kicked anyone down an endless well in super-slow motion lately. But after his performance on Saturday, you would have to feel that he has finally reached the promised land: a place in the starting 11 is surely his to lose.

Least Convincing Impression of an Arsenal Player — Andrei Arshavin

Let us be fair. Arsenal have taken more than their fair share of wallopings on and off the field. So when they get one right, they deserve the credit for it, regardless of how unconvincing they were.

Arsenal spent the 90 minutes on Saturday in that all-too-familiar rhythm of manufacturing chances that no one seemed interested in finishing successfully.

Having chosen to watch that match on the basis that any game between two sides as adventurous as Arsenal and Swansea must surely ship goals by the boat load, it was a disappointment when the contest ended 1-0 courtesy of an error by the Swansea keeper.

Arshavin was on hand to pounce and for a change, without the usual string of passes inevitably followed by a goal kick, slotted the ball away from a narrow angle to claim the win for Arsenal. While the Russian takes the plaudits for the three points, manager Arsene Wenger will have a notepad full of scribbles after watching that performance.

If Arsenal struggled to break down a Swansea defense constructed mostly of twigs, old newspapers and duct tape, mid-table mediocrity beckons this season. Indeed, Wenger looked like he sweated away about four weeks worth of calories as the Gunners endured a tough period of pressure towards the end.

On the bright side, however, new signings Mikel Arteta and Yossi Benayoun provided the necessary creative spark in midfield, which is a promising sign to build on.

Teleporting God of the Week — Asmir Begovic

For keeping a clean sheet, for making 275,884 impossible saves to help Stoke City beat Liverpool 1-0, but most of all for making a brilliant triple save that proved conclusively that Jordan Henderson is nothing more that a glorified mash-up of hair products.

Best Impression of a Serial Cannibal Imitating Carlos Tevez — Carlos Tevez

It is fair to describe Carlos Tevez as unattractive at the best of times. But on Saturday, an unusually morose Tevez took to the field sporting sideburns that can only be found in the "Remorseful Rapist" section of certain—very questionable—hair-styling catalogs.

During a comparatively subdued performance, Tevez regularly found himself brushed off the ball and even took an unconvincing penalty that was saved by Wigan keeper Ali Al-Habsi.

In addition, the Argentine has reportedly escalated his bid for a transfer away from Manchester. One would think that the several millions of pounds he earns weekly would make up for a couple of years away from his family, but Tevez had other ideas. Having had his daughters flown in from Buenos Aires, he proceeded to trudge moodily around the Etihad stadium whilst gnawing on the face of the younger one.

Though understandably surprised, Mancini waved a dismissive hand, claiming, "That's nothing Carlos, Mario eats a raw kitten panini for breakfast everyday."

Best 9/11 Tribute — Kenny Dalglish

While most people marked the 10th anniversary of the World Trade Center attacks through a minute of silence, prayer or applause, Liverpool boss Kenny Dalglish got into the spirit of things with a solid conspiracy theory.

With Liverpool midfielder Charlie Adam spraying as many passes into orbit as anywhere else, it was no surprise when the most clear-cut chance of the first half fell to a Stoke shirt. John Walters got away from Liverpool captain Jamie Carragher, who seemed so desperate to catch him that he tackled Walters to the ground while giving him a free reach-around.

Caught in a position that was better suited to page 25 of the Kama Sutra than a football match, Carragher himself had no complaints.

An earlier Liverpool appeal for handball was waved away because Rory Delap's arm was in a completely natural position when Dirk Kuyt nodded the ball down onto his hand from a yard away. Another even less plausible shout for handball was also waved away before the end of the game, which Liverpool lost 1-0.

Of the three controversial incidents, referee Mark Clattenberg got each one spot on. And the decisions were not even required by his contract as Manchester United ambassador, a duty he shared until recently with World Cup referee Howard Webb.

Take it from a United fan, Kenny. After two decades under Sir Alex, we know a good conspiracy when we see one and more importantly, one dubious decision (Kieran Richardson at Sunderland) in four weeks does not make for a conspiracy.

Dalglish might want to consider an alternative explanation, such as Jordan Henderson really being little better than a steaming pile of elephant feces. Or the fact that there are now seven Premier League balls orbiting Uranus courtesy of Charlie Adam.

At least conspiracy theories are what we believe he was talking about. As this mock press conference shows, it is not always clear what King Kenny is on about.

Bald Frenchie Award for Howler of the Week — Michel Vorm

Sympathy is an easy emotion to have for Dutch keeper Michel Vorm, as he has often proved to be a one-man rescue package for Swansea at the back. But he produced a howler on Saturday that would have had clanger merchant Fabien Barthez rolling his eyes.

Against Arsenal, Vorm completely lost the plot when he plucked a wildly inaccurate Theo Walcott strike out of the air and tried a quick throw out to a midfield colleague. Unfortunately for Vorm, he neglected to account for his own defender walking across right in front of him.

Cue the ball bouncing comically off his own man and Arshavin firing into an empty net.

A sympathetic nod of the head also to Swansea striker Danny Graham, who seems to have smashed his numerous chances just about everywhere but in the net. Meanwhile, Graham's partner in crime—Scott Sinclair—can now build a yacht with all the woodwork he has struck this season.

Pure, Unadulterated Scumbag of the Week — Gabriel Tamas

Someone at West Bromwich Albion forgot to mention that mixed martial arts was not an acceptable means of defending. When Albion defender Gabriel Tamas saw Norwich man James Vaughan behind him during their game on Sunday, he grabbed the opportunity to acquaint a malicious elbow with Vaughan's jaw.

To his credit, Vaughan (pictured above) made absolutely nothing of it. Instead, he jumped right back up and left the field looking like an extra from Dawn of the Dead.

Luckily, referee Mark Halsey saw nothing of the incident, which allowed the English FA to deal with the matter in retrospect. Tamas later received and accepted a three-match ban for the incident.

An honorable mention goes out to Bolton striker Kevin Davies, who managed to break Tom Cleverley's foot with a ridiculous tackle from behind and walked away absolutely unpunished. Unfortunately in this case, the referee saw the tackle, and simply chose to do nothing about it.

But you don't see the United fans shouting conspiracy, do you Kenny? Although to be fair, that may be because United docked the referee 50 percent of his match fee.

Holloway-McCarthy Award — Quotes of the Week

We begin with BBC Match of the Day pundit Alan Hansen and his oh-so-razor-sharp wit. During the few seconds before the buttons on Gary Lineker's shirt began to pop, he managed to squeeze in a question about why City boss Roberto Mancini has dispensed with his trusty system of two holding midfielders.

What Hansen apparently heard was, "Quick, make up a pathetic joke on the spot." Giving a perfect example of what passes for wit on the BBC these days, Hansen quipped:

          "...maybe [Mancini] has had a few drinks and decided to go all attack."

Elsewhere, Liverpool boss Kenny Dalglish managed to remain perfectly respectful towards the referee after his team lost 1-0 to Stoke City:

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"I did my very best to be respectful to the referees association...or whatever they call themselves now, but I'm finding it harder and harder."

"

That was the subtle yet biting sarcasm of King Kenny, who only just stopped himself from labeling the referees association as the Manchester United Fan Club. Meanwhile, the following sound byte came from the Emirates after an impressive piece of play from striker Robin van Persie:

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"He had support from Gibbs there, had a little look up and thought, 'I'm not giving it to a left back, not here!' and smashed the outside of the post."

"

That was BBC commentator Steve Wilson, presumably extolling the virtues of left-backs. After the same match, Arsenal striker Theo Walcott was asked about his pace and, without a hint of irony, said:

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"I'd be rubbish without it."

"

Some quotes do not even need a punch line. Finally, we end this segment with a quote from Emmanuel Adebayor, providing a delicious example of unintentional (and often unintelligible) irony:

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"I am not here to please anyone, I am here to play my football, I am a professional..."

"

That was Adebayor with the best irony since the Pope claimed that the Church was not living in the past during an apology for the Inquisition.

Fantasy Football Evil Ba****d of the Week — Roberto Mancini

After a couple of impressive showings, fantasy managers swarmed to triple helpings of Manchester City players. The majority went for some combination of Edin Dzeko, Samir Nasri, Sergio Aguero and David Silva only to watch in horror as Mancini left Dzeko on the bench and only brought Nasri on for the last half an hour.

Admittedly, the Champions League fixture was hovering at the back of Mancini's mind (the picture was in no way selected as a play on that term) and City managed just fine without their leading scorer. But for the legion of salivating managers who loaded their plates with massive helpings of City players, this weekend served as a sobering lesson in the effects of squad rotation.

In Conclusion...

Normal service was resumed in the Wigan front line as Franco di Santo returned to being a full-time financial black hole. Faced one-on-one with Joe Hart, di Santo inexplicably tried to toe-poke the ball around the City keeper, only to see it trickle well wide of the mark. For this, he earns an honorable mention on our list of villains of the week.

In a world fraught with uncertainty, Natalie Imbruglia teaches us that the one absolute is that "all good things come to an end." On that note, we bid you adieu: find us the same time, same place next week.

Disclaimer:

Bleacher Report claims no knowledge of cannibalistic behavior by Carlos Tevez. We are certain that his daughters are both alive, healthy and are most definitely not roasted slabs of meat being stored in an industrial freezer for the winter. Bleacher Report also withdraws any untoward remarks about Manchester City and awaits the safe return of the columnist's parents who reside in Dubai.

Bleacher Report withdraws all comments made about relations between Manchester United and the match referee. This has nothing to do with the United press conference where Sir Alex blasted our representative for this article's unseemly allegations and placed us on his media blacklist.