The Golden Balls-Up Awards: Premier League Heroes and Villains

The Premier League weekend brought a melange of divine beauty and gut-wrenching agony. As usual, The Golden Balls-Up Awards traversed the fabric of footballing space-time to weave the tales of a few heroes and villains into one titillating, giggle-inducing column.

In the Midlands, visiting Wolverhampton Wanderers started strongly in their contest against Aston Villa, but couldn't convert any of their handful of chances in the first half. As Villa awoke from their slumber and gradually imposed themselves on the game, it seemed like only a matter of time before the decisive breakthrough came.

However, Wolves hung on and even countered with some late pressure of their own as the game ended in a 0-0 stalemate that was less eventful than a race between two brands of paint drying on a wall. The only event of note was that after his goal last week, Emile Heskey returned to his full-time job of being a colossal waste of space.

At Stamford Bridge, right-back Jose Bosingwa unleashed a thunderbolt to put Chelsea ahead against Norwich. The home side kept the pressure up for the rest of an uneventful half.

In the second half, Blues keeper Hilario proved just how much foresight his parents had shown while naming him. As centre-half Branislav Ivanovic went to clear a long ball, Hilario decided to throw himself at his own defender and the ball simply popped up, allowing Norwich fat man front man Grant Holt to fire home.

Soon after, as Didier Drogba leaped to meet a cross. Norwich keeper John Ruddy met him with a double-fisted knockout punch that would have made Muhammad Ali do a double-take. Drogba came out of the collision distinctly the worse and was carted off to a hospital under a breathing apparatus.

A spokesperson for the Referees Association declined to confirm or deny rumours that no card was shown because the earth-shattering nature of the collision caused referee Mike Jones to wet his shorts (and by extension, the contents of his pockets).

The only thing more freakish than watching Drogba hit the dirt with a mammoth thud was seeing a beefed-up, Hulk-like version of him take the field seconds later. Some observers (including yours truly) briefly wondered if Drogba had undergone some steroid-pumping version of the Gandalf the Grey to Gandalf the White transformation.

Having seemingly watched Drogba rise from the dead, those observers were forced to contemplate the possibility that Jesus was from the Ivory Coast for a few seconds before reading the name Lukaku on the back of the youngster's jersey.

Nevertheless, Frank Lampard fired home a penalty and late substitute Juan Mata scored deep into stoppage time on his debut to seal the win for Chelsea. Meanwhile, intrepid explorer Fernando Torres continued his brave journey to discover just how far a person would have to plummet to find himself in the mystical principality of Rockbottomia.

Having dispensed with the formalities (including the customary pot shot at 'Nando), join us now to celebrate and mourn the givers and receivers of some thorough shellackings that were meted out this weekend.

Premier League "Peek-a-Boo" Award: Edin Dzeko

The Manchester City front-man ended the longest game of hide-and-seek that the footballing world has ever seen when he announced himself with a four-goal massacre of Tottenham Hotspur at White Hart Lane on Sunday.

In the post-game interview, Dzeko mentioned that he originally intended to go for Osama bin Laden's enviable hide-and-seek record of 10 years. However, he recently called off the attempt, stating that the milestone is the only respectable legacy bin Laden has left and that without it, he would fade into obscurity as a bitter old man with no real friends.

A major slice of credit must also find its way onto the plate of Roberto Mancini, who snapped the final piece of his £250 million jigsaw puzzle into place when he poached Samir Nasri from Arsenal. In addition, the Italian schemer decided to field just one defensive midfielder in Gareth Barry, venturing away from his regular tactic of parking the team bus in front of goal.

The new formation, featuring David Silva, Yaya Toure, Samir Nasri and Sergio Aguero in creative midfield roles at various points during the match, worked like a charm. Spurs found themselves being so thoroughly ransacked that they might well have wondered if the looting and pillaging had begun again.

In particular, Nasri flourished in the company of competent midfielders, although that does not make him any less of a prat: no one forgets a player who criticizes his old fans even as the ink is drying on his new contract. The ex-Arsenal man walked away from the game with three assists, a fat wage packet and a fresh tattoo on his posterior that read "Farewell, Dad, kiss this."

The beneficiary of all this was, of course, Edin Dzeko, who might as well have been taking a stroll in the park nearby for all the effort he had to put in for his four goals. And Mancini, who will emerge from this game smelling like a dozen genetically modified, sweetly perfumed roses.

Not to say "We told you so" or anything, but well... We told you so.

Hurricane of the Week: Manchester United

While the front pages in newspapers told tales of the carnage left behind by Hurricane Irene, the back pages carried word of a more metaphorical but no less agonizing wreckage.

With much aplomb, defending champions Manchester United picked up the gauntlet thrown down by City's 5-1 victory. The home side rained down a barrage of goals on a heavily depleted Arsenal side at Old Trafford. The traveling support seemed too afraid to even bury their heads in their hands for fear of what the scoreline would be when they looked up again: As it turned out, the Red Devils romped to an 8-2 victory.

So thorough was the beating that United meted out that the BBC considered cutting the live feed midway through the second half and broadcasting the remainder of the match on the popular show Crimewatch that night.

In particular, Wayne Rooney has found a rich new vein of form to go with his expensive new hair. The United talisman plundered a hat-trick and could have also had an early contender for goal of the season if his sumptuous 30-yard chip over Arsenal keeper Wojciech Szczesny had not struck the wrong side of the upright.

Ashley Young chipped in with two divine curlers—almost identical in nature—into the top right corner and a couple of assists. Meanwhile, even Nani took time out of his busy schedule of looking like an under-fed Michael Jackson to dink a little chip over Szczesny.

An entire 'heroes' column could be composed if the exploits of each United attacker were outlined (with the vice versa being true of the Arsenal defenders), so suffice it to say that the reports describing it as one of the best performances in the Premier League era are right on the money.

Spare a thought, however, for young Danny Welbeck. The talented forward was just finding the confidence to truly display his skills when he was dispatched to the physio table by a tight hamstring that decided to snap in the 35th minute.

Best Humble Pie Delivery Service: Jordan Henderson

Before all the commotion caused by the Manchester sides thumping their North London counterparts into oblivion, Liverpool quietly put in an impressive display to beat Bolton Wanderers 3-1.

Charlie Adam, Jamie Carragher, Martin Skrtel, Dirk Kuyt and company took a break from their admirable attempt to be the ugliest team in football history in order to give the visiting Trotters a lesson or two.

In what could only have been a pre-meditated tactic implemented by Kenny Dalglish, Luis Suarez showed sublime movement off the ball every so often to drag Bolton right-back Gretar Steinsson out of position. Centre-back Gary Cahill was dragged wide as a result to cover the diagonal run by Kuyt. This left a gaping hole at the centre of the Bolton defense for each of Stewart Downing, Jordan Henderson and Suarez (at various points) to drive into.

Such was the Merseyside club's dominance that even Jordan Henderson got on the score sheet. Liverpool's newest signing finally overcame his anxieties when he heard that the club would reimburse him for the cost of hair products. The result was a sublime goal and even a couple of sumptuous crosses for Downing and Kuyt later in the game.

Along with an assist, Charlie Adam scored his first goal for the club and continued to be fantasy football gold dust. However, like his club's performance, his own was largely overshadowed by those of Edin Dzeko, Wayne Rooney and Ashley Young.

The victory meant that, for the first time in 20 years, Liverpool fans could savour the taste of being at the summit of the Premier League. Unfortunately for them, that feeling lasted less than 20 hours as Manchester City began to dismantle Spurs at White Hart Lane on Sunday.

On the other hand, Owen Coyle will have two weeks to pep the Trotters up before the next round of fixtures. And while he is at it, he might be well-advised to implant each of his defenders with a GPS chip so someone can keep track of them while they wander aimlessly about the pitch for 90 minutes.

"Order of Leonidas" for Most Admirable Yet Futile Resistance: Arsenal Fans

Midway through the second half at Old Trafford, there was not a single Arsenal player who still had his head held high. Manager Arsene Wenger was going back and forth between burying his head in his hands and glaring sullenly at any camera that dared to pan across his face.

Forget the naysayers calling for Wenger's head and the boo-boys at the Emirates. Forget the coaching staff. Even forget the players.

Amid the early season wreckage that is Arsenal, there was only one group of people with heads held high. The traveling Gunners faithful could scarcely believe the massacre, but as each successive goal went in, they soldiered on bravely, attempting to rekindle the faltering embers of their pride. And each time, they sang almost as loud and proud as before.

For this, they deserve and earn our appreciation. 

More tellingly, they rightfully received a long-overdue apology from Wenger along with (if nothing else) a pledge of improvements to come as the Arsenal boss plunged into the transfer market the very next day.

Best Impression of a Transformers Sequel: Swansea

Newly-promoted Swansea welcomed Sunderland to the Liberty Stadium at the weekend.

After a solid start by the visitors, Swansea strapped themselves into the driving seat and took control of the game. Beginning with Scott Sinclair's hammer blow that rocketed off the crossbar, the Swans peppered the Sunderland goal and, but for some anxious finishing from striker Danny Graham, could have had four on the night.

Graham, for his part, seemed to miss three gilt-edged chances from a cumulative distance of three yards. The promising striker, who scored 24 goals for Watford in the Championship last season, is bound to net his first in the Premier League sooner or later.

Swansea continue to string together some scintillating passing moves and look destined to offer a couple of candidates for goal of the season before long.

Dutch shot-stopper Michel Vorm again produced an impressive string of saves to nab a clean sheet. Unfortunately, Swansea's iceberg at the back is surrounded by a defense that could make a sieve look watertight.

Indeed, with the game still scoreless deep in the second half, Black Cats forward Stephane Sessegnon won the ball in midfield and drove into the Swansea half. As though they received a directive from Emperor Hirohito, four of the five defending Swansea players made a beeline for him.

This suicidal approach to defending allowed Sessegnon to simply play a through ball to striker Asamoah Gyan, who found himself and colleague Connor Wickham in acres of space with only one defender and Vorm to beat.

Fortunately for the home team, Gyan shot straight at Vorm and the game ended in a scoreless draw. While the incessant shooting and implosive defending provides all the entertainment of your average nuclear explosion, Swansea manager Brendan Rogers will want to investigate the possibility of buying actual defenders to replace the four cardboard cutouts he currently employs at the back.

Quote of the Week: Gary Lineker and Alan Shearer

As Queens Park Rangers took on Wigan Athletic, new signing Joey Barton swaggered confidently into the stadium sporting what could only be described as "last season's fashion"... in 1986!

As the latest arrival at Loftus Road took his place in the stands, his neighbour found himself leaning over and discreetly whispering, "Psst...mate, where did you park your time machine?"

But on the bright side, at least it kept most fans from wondering if Barton's hair dresser came highly recommended... by the Fuhrer.

And then there was the epic irony of the BBC pundits taking pot shots at Barton's dress sense. The pundits in question were, of course, Gary Lineker and Alan Shearer, who themselves wear clothes that are so impossibly tight that last year, a group of under-privileged children in Somalia donated a box of their old clothes to the BBC with Shearer's name on it.

While the actual quote was, "[...] Joey Barton watches his new side take on QPR. Nothing to criticize on this occasion but his dress sense, says Alan Shearer", we took the liberty of providing a loose translation:

"

"Hello, is that the Kettle? Hi, it's the Pot calling to let you know that you're black."

"

Worst Team of the Week: Blackburn Rovers

It was a week where Manchester United officials considered calling the game off before the beating they administered became a matter for the police. It was a week where Manchester City had their way with Tottenham and then some.

Yet, Blackburn Rovers still out-stunk the Gunners and Spurs as the worst team in the league.

Meanwhile, a Rovers spokesperson desperately tried to rubbish reports that broadcasters declined to show the match due to the fact that the Blackburn kits proudly displayed a trio of flaccid phalluses.

So Rovers are the worst team for missing several chances to score against the miserable excuse for a Premier League side that is Everton. They are the worst team for losing the match despite being awarded two penalties. But most of all, Blackburn are the worst team of the week for their horrific kit, which seems to be sponsored not by the Princes' Trust, but by the Prince Albert Triplets.

Undeniable Prat of the Week: Harry Redknapp

Having spent most of the summer shifting his sizable hindquarters uneasily on the fence upon which he was perched, Harry Redknapp must have eagerly awaited the return of his star midfielder. But towards the end of the first half, Redknapp watched aghast as the subject of his fence-perching—Luka Modric—resembled nothing more than a clueless puppy chasing his own tail.

Considering that Redknapp's best offer for in-demand Bolton centre-half Gary Cahill included two soft dog biscuits, a half-eaten piece of gum and Sebastian Bassong, the complete thumping Spurs took was well-deserved.

As he watched Edin Dzeko smash home the fifth and final goal, Redknapp's face turned so ashen that he could have been the long-lost (and distinctly uglier) twin brother of cartoon dog Droopy.

And to top it all off, the normally talkative Spurs boss came up with the biggest understatement since the captain of the Titanic quipped, "That was a bit of a bump."

When asked what went wrong, Redknapp simply said, "We didn't defend well enough," which caused the printing presses to shudder to a stop as far away as Melbourne.

Elsewhere, the Pope admitted to being slightly religious, George W. Bush conceded that he may not be the smartest man on Earth and historians reached a consensus that Hitler was a bit of a douche.

Worst Haircut, Worst Defending and All-Around Worst Footballer: Johan Djourou

While Djourou takes the trophy for the holy trifecta of his hair, atrocious defending and absolute inability to marshal his troops, every member of that Arsenal defense was culpable on Sunday.

The first goal was a prime example. Blame Laurent Koscielny for allowing a long ball to drop over his shoulder. Blame Djourou for tumbling like a mohawk-sporting sack of potatoes instead of battling Danny Welbeck. Or blame Wojciech Szczesny for remaining frozen in goal like some ghastly creation from the lab of Dr. Frankenstein.

The fact remains that, surrounded by four Arsenal players—one of whom was allowed to handle the ball—Welbeck managed to get his head to the ball and knock it past the bemused keeper.

Then there was Robin van Persie's penalty, which was so weak that the FA is still debating whether to credit the shot on goal to van Persie or to the wind.

Factor in some downright laughable defending from Carl Jenkinson, who was caught out of position so often that at one point Theo Walcott politely inquired if the number 25 on his back might represent his IQ.

There has been enough written against Arsene Wenger over the past couple of days that all the negatives have been thoroughly analyzed. However, most pundits and experts agree that there is absolutely no need to replace the Frenchman.

So let us look at some of the reasons why every one calling for Wenger's resignation should pop a pill of the chill variety and reconsider their demands:

1. Wenger remains the second most successful manager in Premier League history.

2. With his knowledge of the ins and outs at Arsenal, Wenger is the best candidate to replace himself.

3. In the remaining 24 hours before the transfer window closes, who is better positioned to know Arsenal's needs?

4. At United, Sir Alex Ferguson endured a similar dry spell for around 4 years during what Red Devil fans may remember as the Era of Djemba-Djemba. Calls were sounded at the time for his resignation as well, and look at what the world would have missed if he had walked away from the sport.

5. Wenger has accomplished so much at Arsenal that the least he deserves is the respect and backing of his fellow professionals (which he has received in full measure), his players and the fans.

6. The Gunners boss has understood the need for more experienced heads in the squad and has nabbed defenders Per Mertesacker, Andre Santos and forward Park Chu Young, each of whom has significant experience and each of whom has tasted success.

7. But most importantly, "the Professor" is a man of principles. In a world where managers are as shameless as hooligans (Jose Mourinho—he may be a tactical genius, but let us not deny his dark side), as restless as nomads (Sven-Goran Eriksson) and as easily distracted as an ADHD kid in... hey, something shiny... such managers are incredibly hard to find and even harder to replace. So those Arsenal fans (which by now is once again the minority) calling for Wenger to step down would be well advised to be careful what they wish for.

In Conclusion...

An honorable mention is thrown out to Wigan striker Franco di Santo who managed to bag a brace against QPR despite being absolutely useless. The ex-Blackburn player is the current holder of the worst scoring record in any sport in recent times, the title Chelsea striker Fernando Torres is in hot pursuit of.

For the first goal, Di Santo looked to have dispatched his shot into the top tier of the stands as usual. But the ball took a fateful glance off the QPR defender and found its way into the corner. Similarly, his second shot was headed into orbit before it took a wicked deflection that saw it past QPR keeper Paddy Kenny. In stark contrast, the QPR forwards hit the woodwork more often than a carpenter but failed to beat in-form Wigan shot-stopper Ali Al Habsi.

Alas, it is time to take our leave. Permit us to leave you with this anecdote, whose veracity is dubious due to the distinct possibility that the columnist fabricated it himself.

When David de Gea saved Robin van Persie's "penalty" kick about 30 minutes into the first half, Sir Alex Ferguson's remark to assistant Mick Phelan was picked up by a discreetly positioned pitch microphone. Glaring at referee Howard Webb, who had awarded the penalty, the United manager muttered, "Okay Mick, drop Howard Webb from our starting XI and replace him with that Arsenal lad."

Disclaimer:

Bleacher Report claims no knowledge of Edin Dzeko having any sympathy for Osama bin Laden or any of his causes. However, we would like to bring to the attention of our regular Al-Qaeda readership that there is to be a secret G8 meeting involving all the leaders of the western world at the Etihad Stadium during the next Manchester City home game. What our readers choose to do with that information is left to their discretion, but we stress again that the meeting will not begin before the match kicks off and will not continue beyond the final whistle.

 In an unrelated public service announcement, we also advise away supporters not to travel to that match.

Bleacher Report also wishes to clarify that no guarantees are provided to Liverpool fans with respect to Jordan Henderson, especially if he discovers that the agreement allowing him to expense his hair products was just fabricated by us for a laugh.