US Open Tennis 2011: 6 Painfully Obvious Predictions That Aren't Bold at All

The only things in life that are certain are death and taxes—and these six predictions. 

Over the next two weeks, you're going to hear a lot of predictions about US Open Tennis matches. Some will be truly bold, but not impossible, like those believing Mardy Fish can win. It might require passing through Roger Federer, Novak Djokovic and Andy Murray or Rafael Nadal in succession, but stranger things have happened. 

Others will pretend to be bold, like those saying that Caroline Wozniacki is not a favorite to win the title despite being No. 1. Sorry, but that's been her story for a while now.

And then there are the ones who think they are mainstream, but actually are pretty daring, like those predicting that Venus will advance to the semifinals or better. If you've followed the last season, that's some bold stuff.

Prognosticating is fun, and I do a fair amount of it, but sometimes it's more fun to look forward to the comfort of the safe and familiar. Let's look at some ridiculously safe predictions about the Open. Don't worry: it's Federer approved. Just look at the thumbs up he's giving you! 

We'll Miss Actual Play as Cameras Linger on WAGs (and HABs and Celebrities)

Tennis players are not just hitting machines, and we want you to know as much as possible about their spouses, children, significant others, family, friends, random celebrity acquaintances and the like. I remember a story about Novak Djokovic befriending a squirrel at Wimbledon this year. Thankfully, the squirrel never made an appearance in his box, as far as I know.

The logic behind this is that if you don't care about tennis players as whole people, then their amazing displays of tennis might not be enough to hold interest.

Guess what: thousands of fans are paying hundreds if not thousands of dollars to watch these people right now, and it's not because of who is seated in their box. No offense to the support systems. We love when players climb awkwardly into the stands to embrace you, but before that it's all about tennis, tennis, tennis.

If I hear a rally start while the camera lingers on random celebrity sighting, I will not be a happy camper. 

It Will Rain

In America, we like our steaks big, our cars fast and our tennis venues uncovered.

Despite the potential for scorching heat and thunderstorms, conditions which have led two Grand Slams to adopt roofs, the US Open prefers that you have the game and the patience to adapt to swirling winds, 100-plus degree temperatures and rain breaks.

Be thankful for this purity, because a roof on Arthur Ashe or Louis Armstrong Stadium would look ridiculous and would take a couple hours to close. By not having our lights attached to the roof, we also avoid having night matches that look like they have office cubicle lighting (I'm looking at you, Wimbledon).   

Personally, I like the charm of being at the mercy of nature. Rain delays can be fun, and in their wake, we usually get a day or two of truly awesome, jam-packed tennis schedules. Sometimes it even results in a Monday final. It's the equivalent of a tennis rainbow. 

And When It Rains, We'll See Vintage Capriati, Agassi or Sampras

Credit CBS for going to the well repeatedly. Instead of using later-round rain delays to show us a variety of matches, they go back to the old reliable matches featuring now retired American stars. 

How many times have we watched a fresh faced Capriati lose to Seles despite serving for the match in 1991? How many times have we watched Agassi face off against Sampras or Blake?

Frankly, it's a big number. And that's fine, because I could watch those matches again and again. Even after you've memorized how every dramatic point plays out, it's still part of our history. Even if you hate rain delays, you love them for the chance to reminisce.

These matches also allow us to marvel at how little the voice or stylings of Dick Enberg have changed over the years. He always betrayed his excitement and emotion, and for that we should be thankful. 

Speaking of Vintage, We'll See Bud Collins in Something Colorful

Everyone needs an uncle who seems outwardly eccentric but is actually a pretty smart guy. For tennis fans, that guy is Bud Collins. 

Sometimes Bud's jackets, pants and shirts have more to say than he does, but usually Bud gives us fun history lessons in a witty, colorful package. At this year's US Open, if we're lucky, we'll once again hear a few snippets from Mr. Collins. 

Yes, occasionally he veers into Andy Rooney territory when he gets incensed about comparing players across generations. He likes to chastise us for forgetting just how great the old greats were. But he's usually right, and he should know. Bud Collins actually played alongside some of those guys and has had a front-row seat to the entire Open era. 

John McEnroe Will Get Poetic About Players' Bodies

John McEnroe has developed into one of the better tennis commentators, and he usually manages to trim away his own personality and history enough to highlight the players and the match.

Unlike a certain guy whose name rhymes with Grad Bilbert, if you follow me.

But one of Johnny Mac's more annoying habits is his propensity to talk at uncomfortable length about players' physiques. See Mary Carillo up there? That's usually her reaction, and ours too.

I still have memories of McEnroe rhapsodizing about golden tans, long legs, thighs like tree trunks, V-shaped chests and strong arms. That's just from this season. He's downright poetic. Once Nadal's famous posterior and bulging biceps arrived on the scene, we were all in trouble.

Sure, tennis is a physical sport and we spend a crazy amount of time discussing injuries and fitness. Still, we try to keep it short of giving the equivalent of a verbal physical exam. 

Many of the Players Will Wear Their Version of "Intimidating Black"

Maybe it's a response to the whites of Wimbledon or the bright colors of Roland Garros. Maybe everyone's sad about it being the last Grand Slam and pulled out their mourning clothes. Or maybe it's just an attempt to look really sleek during the night matches. 

Whatever the reason, a lot of players go Darth Vader at Flushing Meadows. Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal, Andre Agassi, Andy Roddick, Serena Williams and Maria Sharapova have all embraced their dark side. The ladies sometimes add in jewels or pleather or denim to mix it up a bit, but thankfully the men have avoided that trend.

It's a nice setup for the announcers too, who can dust off their symbolic remarks about darkness and light and imagine the matches as wild west showdowns.