The Golden Balls-Up Awards: Premier League Heroes and Villains

The turbulent maelstrom of emotions of another Premier League weekend has come and gone. And as with any epic, the stories of a few heroes and villains come together to spin the fabric of our tale.

Queens Park Rangers opened their Premiership account with a well-earned three points against Everton at Goodison Park. After losing 1-0 to the new boys, Toffees manager David Moyes declared to the BBC that the club "are definitely short of forwards and wide players."

Perhaps the complete lack of transfer funds explains why distinctly below-average (we hesitate to use the word) "talent" such as Leon Osman regularly find a place in the starting XI for the Merseyside club. However, insufficient transfer funds have nothing to do with why distinctly below-average "talent" such as Jordan Henderson regularly start for that other Merseyside club.

QPR rode their luck as a Leighton Baines free kick crashed off the crossbar and a Tim Cahill header went wide when it looked harder for the Australian to miss. Amid the barrage of chances, QPR tucked away one of their own and battled to keep Everton out till full time, showing the defensive steel that is essential to stave off relegation.

In London, Fernando Torres maintained his stunning strike rate for Chelsea of half a goal per manager. In the same match, West Brom striker Shane Long proved that if defensive errors are as common in the Premier League as marital infidelity and obscene wage packets, then he will surely win the race for the Golden Boot.

Sergio Aguero, meanwhile, broke the hearts of virtually every fantasy manager this week when he missed two gilt-edged chances from a cumulative distance of five yards out. In addition, the one opportunity he did put away was ruled out for a push by Micah Richards on Bolton's Martin Petrov.

While it meant nothing in the grand scheme of Manchester City's season, it let down the swarm of fantasy managers (including yours truly) who hastily reshuffled their squads to include the Argentine after his stunning debut against Swansea last week.

So without further ado, let us begin our journey with a cross-examination of the prime suspects in some thorough beatings that were administered this weekend.

1. Best New Artiste — Danny Welbeck and Tom Cleverley

We begin this edition of The Golden Balls-up with a nod to the impressive young Manchester United side that thrashed Spurs 3-0 at Old Trafford. And with a warning that the next commentator/pundit/expert/Robbie Savage who describes this team as Fergie's "last great team" will be forced to watch the video montage of Cesc Fabregas compiled by his creepy stalkers admirers at Barcelona.

In the tradition of the Busby Babes and Fergie's Fledglings, the current crop of players was raised and blooded the United way. Tom Cleverley, Danny Welbeck, Jonny Evans, Chris Smalling and (a barely recognizable from last season) Anderson were all among the starting XI on Monday, and none of them failed to impress.

Tottenham Hotspur are a formidable opponent at the best of times, but judging from the way United began the second half, someone clearly forgot to let Welbeck and Cleverley in on the secret.

Cleverley, who seems to thrive against opposition who like to play the game at pace, orchestrated a thoughtful piece of play for the first goal. When faced with the chance to shoot, he opted instead to slide a pass down the right for Smalling, allowing his three forwards to find space in the box.

Following his own pass, he received the ball back from Smalling and played a delightful first-time ball into the box for Welbeck to nod home.

Not to be outdone, Welbeck provided his own Canton-ic assist when he latched onto a through ball from a forward-driving Anderson. With the defender straining to get a block in, Welbeck simply back-heeled the ball into acres of space for Anderson to fire home.

In hindsight, Monday's trip to Old Trafford was probably not the best idea for Spurs fans who thought they had seen the last of the pillaging.

2. Best Beckenbauer Impression — Phil Jones

During Franz Beckenbauer's time, there was a saying that went, "There's only one Kaiser."

Tell that to ex-Blackburn defender Phil Jones, who clearly fancies himself the new Kaiser. His ice-cold composure at the back is one thing, but his willingness to rage forward like a (fairly agile) freight train makes the comparisons with Beckenbauer inevitable.

The United man follows the mantra that Barcelona players probably mutter as they toss and turn in their sleep, "Pick a pass, pick a pass, always pick a pass."

He has made a stunning start to the season and based on current form, first-choice centre half Rio Ferdinand might find himself taking the exit marked "Retirement" at the end of this season.

Together with Jonny Evans and Chris Smalling, Jones has fired a warning shot to the old guard to let them know that GeneratioNext is here and now.

3. Best Impression of a Successful Football Club — Aston Villa

Aston Villa began their home campaign with a dominant 3-1 victory over Blackburn Rovers.

How, you ask? Quite simply, new boss Alex McLeish seems to have summoned up every bit of good karma that was due to the club over the next decade and used it up in one match.

Gabriel Agbonlahor deserves major props for a brilliant goal to put Villa ahead. The speedster picked up the ball from Darren Bent and twisted Rovers full-back Michel Salgado inside out so thoroughly that the ex-Real Madrid man woke up the next day with his world still spinning. Finding a couple of yards in the box, Agbonlahor unleashed a delicious curler that breezed comfortably past the outstretched arms of Paul Robinson.

The planets were aligned so perfectly for Villa that even the colossal waste of space that is Emile Heskey found himself on the score sheet. It might have been his first goal since January, but from the look on his face one would have thought it was his first since the last Ice Age.

Morten Gamst Pedersen ghosted in unmarked to head home a beautiful cross from Rovers winger Junior Hoilett to cut the lead in half. However, everyone knows that the first rule of football is that Darren Bent will score and sure enough, the Villa man latched on to a defensive error to score his customary goal and finish the game off.

While Villa's youthful midfield gives fans much to look forward to (in particular Barry Bannan), their continued reliance on Emile Heskey must end in order to truly challenge for a Europa League spot next season.

4. Plan K for Kamikaze — Swansea City

While the steely defensive shift QPR put in at Goodison Park showed that they are here to stay, Swansea City let everyone know that they are here to play.

There is something spine-tingling about watching the Swans unleash a fluid, mesmerizing attack. It is football in its purest, most innocent avatar and continues to win the Welsh outfit fans the world over.

You just cannot help feeling slightly elated when Wayne Routledge latches on to a splendid pass down the wing and measures a delightful cross for striker Danny Graham. It causes hearts to flutter, even though everyone knows that goal keeper Michel Vorm is left to defend the Alamo against the inevitable counter-thrust.

Speaking of which, Vorm has simply stormed the first couple of fixtures, including a fine penalty save against Wigan at the weekend. Ably assisted by the woodwork at times, the Dutch shot stopper proved to be a one-man wall keeping Swansea in the game, which ended in a goalless draw.

Spare an ounce of contempt, though, for BBC pundit Gary Lineker. The host of the popular Match of the Day program just couldn't stop himself from quipping, "Diving Swan" when Vorm dove low to his right to save a Ben Watson penalty.

The Swans clearly have what it takes to be an attacking force in the Premier League, but their defensive liabilities are what could cost them dearly. Just ask Blackpool, who gave it virtually every drop of blood, sweat and tears last season only to be relegated on the final day of the season.

Ultimately, manager Brendan Rodgers' willingness to deviate from his footballing philosophy could decide whether Swansea begin their first Premier League season with a graceful swan dive or a cringe-inducing belly flop (eat my metaphor, Lineker!).

5. Best Beneficiaries of an Opposition Implosion — Liverpool

Liverpool have endured a torrid line of managers of late, including the cream of the French crop in Gerard Houllier and a goatee-garnished Spaniard who seemed more interested in the finger-foods than the football.

So when King Kenny returned to take the helm, there must have been much wringing of hands, hugging and all-round merriment.

And then he went and bought Jordan Henderson from Sunderland, who must have been grinning so widely that their faces split open. Incidentally, the youngster Dalglish was looking for seems to be Jack Colback, who reportedly came up through the academy with Henderson and consistently outshone him.

On the other hand, Charlie Adam has been an instant hit at Anfield, and working in tandem with Luis Suarez, seems to be exactly the tonic that the club needed.

Let us face it, a victory over Arsenal these days hardly makes you Champions League material. But the Merseyside club are on the rise again and could challenge for silverware within a couple of seasons.

Of course, United fans will have 22 Premier League trophies to taunt their Anfield counterparts with by then, so bring it on.

6. Best Impression of a Secret Rooney-Spock Love-Child — Ross Barkley

There is a new star at Goodison Park this season and his name is Ross Barkley. The youngster operates in an attacking midfield capacity, although he has a couple of evil triplet brothers judging from the Everton-QPR footage.

Barkley was the one bright spot in an otherwise tepid Everton performance. He was involved in some slick passing moves, some driving runs and most importantly, he showed the audacity to take pot shots at Paddy Kenny's goal from every which angle.

His gait and confidence reminds fans of a younger Wayne Rooney, and he operates in almost exactly the same capacity as Rooney does for United these days. Barkley is gifted with an array of passes and shots along with the vision and composure to know when to drive forward and when to feed a teammate.

Indeed, the only thing going against Barkley is that he appears to be the product of a genetic melange of Wayne Rooney and Captain Spock, which can hardly help with the ladies. The Everton youth appears to be another successful product of the University of Liverpool's genetic hybridization experiment that so convincingly combined the DNA of Pele and a potato to give us Rooney.

7. Worst Remake of WWE Smackdown: Tyne-Wear Edition — Newcastle and Sunderland

Anybody who knows the first thing about football will tell you that Joey Barton and Lee Cattermole should not be allowed in the same county, let alone the same stadium.

So it was no surprise that the first edition of the Tyne-Wear derby this season played more like a particularly violent re-interpretation titled The Tyneside Chainsaw Massacre.

Controversy kicked in fairly early, with Sunderland man Sebastian Larsson saving his team a goal with a handball worthy of Luis Suarez.

While it is unclear whether Larsson intended to handle—he was clearly moving his head towards the original path of the ball before Joey Barton deflected it from a yard away from Larsson—his frantic attempt to convince the baffled linesman that it ricocheted of his face was just pure comedy gold.

After a first half that was quite football-focused by derby standards, the second 45 turned into absolute mayhem. Tackles were flying in regardless of ball or bone, and referee Howard Webb must have been glad for his training as a policeman when faced with some downright violent play.

In a powder-keg that quickly found it's spark, Cattermole could have been sent off a couple of times as could have Phil Bardsley, who eventually did see red for a horror tackle on Newcastle defender Fabricio Coloccini. And Joey Barton should have been sent off purely on principle, if not for his tragic haircut.

The one moment of quality was Ryan Taylor's stunning free kick, which won Newcastle a derby that was in equal measures intriguing and appalling.

8. Worst Haircut... Oh, and That Red Card Thing — Emmanuel Frimpong and Arsenal

Sporting a mohawk that looks more like a dustbin lid handle, the promising young Arsenal prospect played the role of villain when the Gunners crashed out 2-0 to Liverpool at the Emirates. Somewhere, even Djibril Cisse is cringing.

Early on, Emmanuel Frimpong earned a yellow card for needlessly squaring up to Jordan Henderson, which might be the most useful thing that Henderson did all game from a Liverpool point of view.

Walking a tight rope for the rest of the game was always going to be hard for a defensive midfielder, but Frimpong decided that all the game was missing was a rash challenge that would send his Liverpool counterpart—Lucas—tumbling end on end like a bright red Ferris wheel.

The biggest decision facing the referee at that point was whether it merited a straight red or a second yellow. Erring on the sympathetic side, he produced the second yellow and Frimpong began the slow trudge back to the dressing room.

Having had the upper hand for much of the game, Arsenal suddenly found themselves on the back foot. True to form, they conspired to shoot themselves in the foot when young defender Ignasi Miquel cannoned a clearance over his own keeper off the back-tracking Aaron Ramsey.

Ramsey, too, had a game to forget. He failed to make an impression for large stretches of the game and only the ingenuity of Manchester City-bound Samir Nasri and the hard work of Frimpong kept Arsenal attacking.

To be honest, Frimpong had a brilliant game but for his sending off. He looks like a real find for Arsene Wenger, but his inexperience got the better of him. He features at the wrong end of this column this time around, but look for him at the other end over the coming months.

A quick shout-out, also, to Thomas Vermaelen and Wojciech Szczęsny, who both shone throughout the game and without whom, the visitors might well have plundered four or five goals.

9. Dr Disaster — David De Gea

Oh David, David, David...

United fans at Old Trafford were vociferous in their approval of the Spaniard when Spurs came to visit on Monday, and he acknowledged their support with a little thumbs-up in the first half.

Unfortunately, the young keeper again seemed unconvincing (to put it modestly) when coming out and dealing with aerial challenges.

Indeed, on one occasion he spilled a simple, looping cross under what can only be described as light pressure. Luckily for him, the ball fell to Jermaine Defoe, who seems to have exchanged boots with Emile Heskey. From seven yards out, Defoe's shot thudded off the upright, leaving David de Gea with his heart in his mouth.

Let us be fair to de Gea. He showed some visionary distribution and total composure on the ball. He saved every shot that came his way, even taking time off from his busy schedule to teach Rafael van der Vaart what a well executed drag-back looks like.

Those interested can view the extended highlight reel and form their own opinions on the young keeper.

His errors thus far have been benign (against Spurs) or nullified (against City and West Brom). But if consistently exposed to the strong pressure that keepers come under in the Premier League without having the physique to cope with the Kenwyne Joneses and Didier Drogbas, sooner or later the Spaniard will make a mistake that costs United points in the title chase.

The fact is that Spurs without Peter Crouch are a toothless side in terms of aerial play. If de Gea struggles to cope against such a side, how disastrous might the consequences be when Stoke, Chelsea and Liverpool come calling?

10. Defensive Disaster Zone — Jussi Jaaskelainen and Zat Knight

When Bolton took on Manchester City at the weekend, they showed that they only know one way to play, and that they know it well.

For much of the first half, Bolton gave as good as they got against one of the best attacks in Europe. However, keeper Jussi Jaaskelainen must have stuck a finger down his throat after his howler which gifted David Silva and City the lead.

Faced with a relatively tame shot, Jaaskelainen failed to get his body completely behind the ball, only managing to deflect it into the goal. City went on to score another (this one a belter from Gareth Barry) before Bolton's Martin Petrov and Ivan Klasnic combined for a pinpoint goal of their own.

As such, things did not look so bad for the Trotters at the break. However, centre half Zat Knight saw to that within seconds of the restart.

Defending against a long ball under pressure from Edin Dzeko, Knight inexplicably tried to control the ball. He inadvertently played a slide-rule pass for Dzeko, who muscled Knight off the ball and scored past a helpless Jaaskelainen.

To their credit, Bolton fought back with another goal but were unable to scrape a point against the Citizens, who held on for the three points. The defensive troubles highlight the importance of keeping Arsenal and Spurs transfer target Gary Cahill, who seemed to be the only competent piece in a defense that had kamikaze written all over it.

In Conclusion...

With his full head of hair, Wayne Rooney deserves a nod as does Mancini who finally ventured beyond his tired-and-trusted (pun intended) tactic of employing three defensive midfielders.

Both were rewarded at the weekend. Mancini claimed top spot in the Premier League table, while Rooney has now scored two goals in two games and looks to be shaping up really well for a charge at the Golden Boot.

That is about all the time we have this week. Join us again next weekend for another edition of "The Golden Balls-Up."

Disclaimer:

Bleacher Report possesses no knowledge of any human-potato hybridization experiments at the University of Liverpool. Neither do we have any evidence that Ross Barkley was conceived in a bizarre mating ritual during an alien abduction of Wayne Rooney aboard a visiting Vulcan space craft.

Furthermore, we retract all opinions and comments about Joey Barton to spare his several thousand Twitter followers the trouble of reading yet another pretentious quip about our mother that shamelessly plagiarizes Nietzsche, Freud or Dr Seuss.