Premier League Weekend Review: The Good, the Bad and the Balotelli

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE BALOTELLI

At long last, the footballing drought that characterizes summer has ended. The English Premier League returned in scintillating fashion this weekend and, as usual, threw up a few things good, a few things fairly bad and a couple of things that were downright ugly.

So it is business as usual in England, with only the Tottenham-Everton game called off because of the widespread rioting and looting. While North London police maintained that the riots posed massive security risks at the game, Everton police appeared flummoxed when one constable was heard saying, "A little looting never hurt anyone; over here we'd see it as a rather light day at the office."

Rumours of Liverpool's home game being called off were allegedly rubbished by the local police, who said, "That's absolute tosh. In fact, when we get off, a bunch of us are heading round the corner to break into and watch the game in the electronics store."

Elsewhere, Chelsea faced off against a brick wall of red at the Britannia Stadium, where Stoke City continued their efforts to dominate a special footballers edition of WWE Smackdown.

Fernando Torres picked up where he left off last season by not scoring in yet another game. His travails included a particularly amusing effort where the Spaniard, from about four yards out, kicked about a foot over the ball before deciding to go over in the most theatrical fashion.

The Spanish striker has not registered a goal in so long that the new FIFA 12 game reportedly features five difficulty levels: Amateur, Semi-Professional, Professional, World Class and Torres, in the last of which it is physically impossible to score.

It should be noted, however, that the return of the Spaniard's flowing locks coincides with a return to form that could soon end his goal drought.

Having taken our what will soon be known as this column's customary shot at Liverpool and Torres, we begin sifting through the best, the worst and the absolutely despicable that this week had to offer.

THE GOOD

1. Gary Cahill/Bolton Wanderers

Owen Coyle's team began their season with such a thorough spanking of new boys Queens Park Rangers that Neil Warnock probably wishes he had padded the seat of his pants. Bolton dismantled the London outfit 4-0 and centre half Gary Cahill took time off from his busy schedule of shying away from cameras and denying rumours of Arsenal offers to open the scoring with a delicious curler.

As a result, bemused Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger harrumphed his way to the bank to add an extra million to the Gunners' bid for Cahill. Meanwhile, Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp was forced to consider the possibility that his offer of half a packet of crisps and a broken dog biscuit for Cahill might have been a shade on the low side.

2. Sergio Aguero/Manchester City

Sergio 'Kun' Aguero took all of seven minutes to score his first goal after coming on as a 60th minute substitute against Swansea City, courtesy of a piercing Micah Richards run down the right flank.

The Premier League is the most competitive one in the world, but someone forgot to let Aguero in on the secret. The Argentine turned the recently renamed Etihad Stadium into a studio for the Kun Aguero show. He gifted David Silva with a no-look, over-the-shoulder, chipped assist for the tap-in, before unleashing an exquisite strike from all of 30 yards out to complete the 4-0 demolition job.

While City fans are celebrating, the red half of Manchester (including yours truly) are hoping against hope that Aguero's impressive display was partly because the Swansea defense is as secure as an abandoned fort with no gates and "Welcome invaders" spray-painted on the walls.

Because if not, then traditional favourites United and Chelsea are in for one hell of a ride this season.

Sidebar: Ray Hudson and David Villa

Strictly speaking, this has little to do with the Premier League but is hilarious enough to be deemed worthy of mention. You might remember commentator Ray Hudson for some metaphorical magic and for his on-air love affair with Argentina's Juan Roman Riquelme. Well, with Riquelme approaching the twilight of his career, Hudson has found himself a new muse.

During the first Clasico of the Spanish season, David Villa curled in a screamer for Barcelona's first goal. Ray Hudson's (predictably over-the-top) response managed to combine the Cyclops, a chandelier diamond and a mountain into the same sound byte. This is the stuff of commentating legend, folks.

And as though that was not enough, he later described Mesut Ozil as "the best thing on two legs since Sophia Loren."

THE BAD

1. Luis Suarez and the Penalty

The law of karma states that wherever there is good, there must be pure, unadulterated scum to balance it out. Whether it be rolling around in "agony" to get Javier Mascherano sent off in the Copa America, handling the ball on the goal line in the World Cup or biting a PSV player the Uruguayan is happy to play the villain if it means winning the game. Anyway, on to the match.

Brought down in the box by a back-tracking Kieran Richardson, Suarez waved around the imaginary card that has become a symbol (along with Mario Balotelli) for bad sportsmanship. Suarez then skied his penalty so far over that there could have been another goal on top of the goal and the ball would still have cleared it.

Elsewhere, NASA have scheduled an emergency mission to re-align the International Space Station, which was knocked out of orbit on Saturday afternoon by what looked suspiciously like an EPL ball.

Suarez made partial amends later in the game by scoring off a Charlie Adam free kick, which is the saving grace that keeps him from joining the "downright ugly" section below.

2. Martin Petrov and Clint Hill

Having been dismantled 4-0 at the hands of Bolton, QPR defender Clint Hill compounded his problems with a straight red card for head-butting Trotters midfielder Martin Petrov.

At first glance, there seemed to be little reason for the aggression. However, a close look at replays shows the Bolton man shoving first his fist and then his elbow into Hill's face. No one has confirmed or denied the rumour that Clint Hill fixed Petrov with a dead stare, tapped his forehead and growled:

"

"Being as this is the most powerful forehead in the world and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"

"

THE DOWNRIGHT UGLY

1. Gervinho, Joey Barton and Alex Song—The Unholy Trinity

It is hard to pick sides on this one, purely because Joey Barton probably used up his lifetime supply of sympathy in his first month after birth, while Gervinho dived and slapped an opponent within the space of 10 seconds.

Many props to Barton, who has gone above and beyond his calling as the most hated man in English football by adding an ounce of shameless play-acting to his repertoire. Put it this way, if Barton had reacted that way to a slap in the face during his two months in prison, he would have spent the rest of his sentence providing a different kind of lip service to the bigger inmates.

In a separate incident Alex Song took time off from his full-time job—making Arsene Wenger look like a hypocrite—in order to stamp on Barton's leg.

The Newcastle man's reaction was to tweet the first (and probably only) ever meaningful comment on his Twitter account. Amid the plethora of pretentious-sounding quotes from books whose names he can barely spell, Barton slipped in the well-phrased (if weakly spelled):

"

"Imagine if id of stamped on Song, all the numptys would be out calling for a public execution. What cos its on me its alright? #hypocrites"

"

2. Balotelli-vision

Full disclosure: the fairly amusing title of "The Good, The Bad and the Balotelli" was chosen for this column under the assumption that if there was one player you could count on to do something absolutely news-worthy every week, it was Mario Balotelli.

But after waiting weeks for the new season to get under way, Balotelli's exclusion from the City team at the weekend threw a spanner in the works: how could we publish a column titled "The Good, The Bad and the Balotelli" without any mention of the title character?

Sensing our dilemma, super Mario rode to the rescue with the following gem. In the wake of the nation-wide riots, the Manchester City players donned warm-up shirts reading "I ♥ MCR" in a plea for an end to the civil unrest in Manchester.

It is unknown whether the No. 45 on his jersey is a statement regarding his IQ, but for some reason Balotelli simply does not understand the concept of unity. The youngster scrawled the word "CITY" under the print so that his shirt read "I ♥ MCR CITY".

He then went on air to tell Sky Sports Italia (via Yahoo Sports):

"

"I'm not happy in Manchester. I don't like the city...[which] is not to my taste."

"

The rumour has yet to be confirmed that Balotelli stormed out of the interview when someone pointed out that it was illegal to throw darts at youth team players in any city.

IN CONCLUSION

So that's it for this edition of "The Good, The Bad and the Balotelli." Once again, a special thanks to Mario Balotelli for stepping in with a classic Mario moment when he was needed so badly.

Until we meet again next Wednesday, have yourselves a wonderful week.

Disclaimer

Bleacher Report knows nothing about any new levels called "Torres" added to FIFA 12, regardless of how amusing the idea may be. Neither can we confirm the rumour that Stoke City boss Tony Pulis originally submitted a team sheet without a goalkeeper when he heard that Torres was starting.

Finally, B|R retracts any comments about Joey Barton being a self-obsessed, pretentious prat. Because when you tweet Nietzche quotes at people like Robbie Savage and Piers Morgan dozens of times a day, you are obviously a well-read gentleman, aren't you?