If the American Civil War Was a Hockey Game, Who Would Have Won?

As most of you know, I am an avid history buff, whose specialty is the American Civil War. In fact, I just got back from Gettysburg, PA, site of the bloodiest battle on American soil and most pivotal battle in the war between the states.

So now I propose this question: If Abraham Lincoln and Jefferson Davis reached an agreement to end the war with the winning side being chosen by a game of hockey, who would have won?

Union Lineup

Forward Lines

William Sherman (A)-Ulysses Grant (C)-Philip Sheridan

Benjamin Butler-Joseph Hooker-George Meade

George Custer- Winfield Hancock (A)-George McClellan

John Sedgewick-Ambrose Burnside-George Sykes

Defensive Pairings

John Pope-Irvin McDowell

Darius Couch-Edwin Sumner

Henry Slocum-Cadmus Wilcox

Goaltenders

Joshua Chamberlain

Samuel Sturgis

Head Coach: Abraham Lincoln

Confederate Lineup

Forward Lines

James Longstreet (A)-Robert E. Lee (C)-Thomas Jackson (A)

Lewis Armisted-George Pickett-James Kemper

Richard Garnett-Jubal Early-Pierre Beauregard

Isaac Trimble-Johnson Pettigrew-A.P Hill

Defensive Pairings

E. Porter Alexander-Jeb Stuart

Joseph Johnston-William Pender

Barnard Bee-Richard Ewell

Goaltenders

John Hood

Robert Rodes

Head Coach: Jefferson Davis

Union Analysis

When the paperwork was finalized between Davis and Lincoln, it was arranged that they would pick a cold winter day along the Mason-Dixon line to stage the hockey game of epic proportions. An ice rink was built and a stadium big enough to hold over 40,000 people was constructed.

The Union was picked as the heavy favorites, with bookies and gamblers placing their bets. They had a strong first line, centered by Ulysses S. Grant, that provided firepower and grit. Grant was even seen smoking a cigar on the bench between shifts, something that his teammates and opponents couldn't believe.

Sherman, on the right wing, provided the speed an effectiveness they needed. He powered through the confederate defenses faster than he marched from Atlanta to the Atlantic Ocean in 1864.

But even with the immense firepower, the Union lineup lacked depth. Joseph Hooker had a hard time carrying the puck into the zone without getting picked apart by the defense. Butler, on his left wing, provided the anger and spark the Union needed by getting into the face of his opponents and provided some intensity. Meade didn't get into the action, however, because he was trying to be too cautious and not get hurt.

But the Union's third line proved to be solid in the checking role, with the immovable Hancock centering a solid crop of wingers: the young and feisty George Custer and the future presidential candidate George McClellan. When they had the puck, they forechecked so well, the Confederate attack couldn't get going. It was only to Lincoln's dismay that he couldn't play the line the entire 60 minutes.

On defense is where the Union lineup struggled tremendously. Pope and McDowell, two former commander in chiefs, didn't know what to do with the puck. They didn't check anyone, and they constantly passed the puck up the middle.

The other four remaining defensemen couldn't cut it either as they were picked apart all night by the Confederate offense. After that, the Union knew they would need to rely on offense and goaltending.

Had the Vezina trophy been created at the time of this game, Chamberlain would have won it. All game long he made stunning save after save, making the best Confederate shooters shake their heads in awe.

Confederate Analysis

Although picked as the underdog, Coach Davis knew he had what it took for a winner. The Confederate's first line of Longstreet-Lee-Jackson kept on the offensive all night, pinning down whatever group of forwards the Union had on the ice.

It was after the first few minutes of the game when Davis realized he had the better depth and better skill level. He decided it would be best just to roll four lines. When his second unit unit hit the ice, they used their intelligence and the eccentricity of their center, George Pickett, to conduct the proper offensive onslaught.

The third line wasn't only good at checking but proved they had the ability to put the puck in the net. Early and Garnett proved to be solid checkers with an edge to their game, while Beauregard used his smarts to work the puck loose from the corners and to his open teammates.

The last of the offensive lines came the most surprising. With what was originally going to be a strictly shutdown role, Davis learned that he could use his fourth line at any point in the game and against any line the Union had out.

Pettigrew, the author of several books and Hill, a master tactician got to work along the boards while the team's enforcer, Trimble, infuriated opponents and even goaded Hancock into a fight. He had a nasty temper and became feared as the game went along.

For the defense, the Confederates also had the advantage. The first pairing of Alexander and Stuart appeared to be Norris quality. Stuart, a Cavalry officer, was an excellent puck carrier and made several highlight reel, end-to-end rushes. Porter, an artillery commander, on the other hand, flashed an amazing slapshot.

The defense also appeared to have the depth, with offensive defenseman Johnston with the remaining three players being all solid stay at home players. The goaltender, Hood, didn't get much work as his defense blocked shots and kept opponents to the outside all night.

Game Recap: First Period

After playing the "Star Spangled Banner" and "Dixie" at center ice, the game was underway. Light bulbs from cameras flashed in the audience as the teams felt each other out. Both seemed to be very cautious in the beginning, not wanting to take any chances.

Then, just about midway through the first period, Robert E. Lee centered the puck to "Stonewall" Jackson, who was streaking down the right side. He one-timed the pass over the shoulder of Chamberlain, giving the CSA a 1-0 lead.

Then just 30 seconds later, with Burnside in the penalty box for the USA, E. Porter Alexander took a bomb of a slap shot that was deflected in front by Isaac Trimble, adding to the lead.

For the next few minutes, there wasn't much action until Lewis Armisted was pulled down on a breakaway. The referee signaled for a penalty shot and what ensued was something that no one in the stadium would ever forget.

Armisted took off his helmet and put it on the end of his stick, carrying it as he skated forward, kicking the puck ahead. Then, with one quick movement, flung the helmet off his stick, kicked the puck to his side and flicked a wrister between Chamberlain's legs.

After one period of hockey, the score was CSA 3, USA 0

Game Recap- Second Period

The USA started off bringing the game to the Confederates, who seemed to be playing cautious with the three-goal lead. McClellan fed McDowell for a one timer from the circles, which went over the shoulder of Hood, the goaltender. The Union was now on the board.

But, for the next 15 minutes, the CSA, under Coach Davis, played the trap and only allowed three more shots for the remainder of the period.

The score after two periods was CSA 3, USA 1

Game Recap- Third Period

With Davis' CSA team comfortable trapping and Lincoln's USA playing the puck poorly, "Honest Abe" decided that it was time for a change. He benched all six of his defensemen and went all out with units of five forwards for the rest of the game.

For the first few minutes, nothing seemed to have been working until Trimble took a bad penalty for the CSA. On his way to the penalty box, he then threw his stick down to the ice and screamed a slew of expletives at the referees when he was then given another unsportsmanlike minor. The Union knew they had to capitalize and then with eight minutes remaining, the power-play unit broke though.

Grant's slapshot off Hood's blocker was put into an open side of the net by Sherman who was standing in the crease unguarded. The Union then fired shot after shot on the Confederate defense, who still held strong.

Then the Confederates woke up and began driving to the net. Chamberlain was incredible yet again, stoning Armisted, Pickett, and Kemper on three consecutive breakaways. Then, with Pettigrew advancing in for what was going to be a fourth straight breakaway, Chamberlain yelled, "Bayonets Forward!" at an incoming Pettigrew and slid out of his crease, aiming straight for the southern forward.

He was so startled by this, he lost control of the puck, and the CSA lead remained only one. But time was running out on Lincoln and with a faceoff in the offensive zone with under a minute left, he decided it was time to pull the goalie. With the extra attacker on, the USA offense put on a relentless display of shots and finally, with just 10 seconds left, a Philip Sheridan slapshot went though traffic and tucked itself underneath the crossbar. The game was tied at three and headed to overtime.

Game Recap- Overtime

The fans were prepared for a long one, but the Confederate players were not. At the drop of the faceoff, Lee pushed the puck forward to Jackson who stayed at his right side during the game.

Jackson burst down the side boards and flew past Joseph Hooker, a forward playing defense. Chamberlain then didn't stand a chance as Jackson's amazing wrist shot soared between his arm and chest and into the back of the net. The Confederate hockey team was victorious.

After a few tears from the USA and cheers from the CSA, the teams met at center ice for the traditional handshake. It was after that when, Grant, covered in ice shavings, sweat and blood approached Lee, who had just put on a fresh, clean jersey. Grant handed his stick over to Lee who accepted it, thus ending the great American Civil War.

Quotables

"Little Round Top was nothing compared to General Jackson's wrist shot. All power to him."- Joshua Chamberlain

"Whenever they attacked me on the side, they just completely burned me. No wonder where they got the nickname for my hairstyle."- Ambrose Burnside

"We did our duty. We did what we had to do. God Bless them for putting up a fight, and God bless us for answering back."- Robert E. Lee

"I'm not fat, I'm just broad shouldered. And oh yeah, we just won the war man!"- James Kemper

Closing Thoughts

And so it ended, the American Civil War and the Confederacy was victorious. Lincoln took a gamble by accepting Lee's challenge to the hockey game and paid the price.

The Confederates clearly had more intelligence, instinct, and depth, while the Union, side from two lines, clearly lacked all of the above. I hope you enjoyed reading this little spoof on history as much as I had writing it.