Manchester United Transfer Rumours: 10 Players Sir Alex Ferguson Should Buy

Much has been made of the lack of "fantasy" in the current Manchester United squad.

And apparently Sir Alex Ferguson agrees with the general consensus, recently commenting that "if I see something I feel is a retrograde step, I have to act and make decisions."

One player facing the axe is Darron Gibson, who recently closed his ill-fated Twitter account within two hours of opening it after receiving messages such as "you are the worst United player ever".

Apparently Michael Carrick was heard to offer some ill-advised words of comfort, telling him, "Cheer up Gibbo, at least this time it wasn't Sir Alex saying those things."

And while we may never know if I just made that rumour up for a laugh, we do know that Sir Alex is not the type of man to organize a clear-out sale without replacements ready to go on display.

So join us in speculating which new names will grace the over-priced United merchandise we purchase this August...

1. Sir Alex Pulled This One Out Of His Arsene: Raphael Varane

Apparently "Pink-Eye" Has A Different Meaning When Facing RC Lens

It seems Sir Alex has out-Wengered Arsene himself on this deal, nabbing the relatively unknown French youngster right under the Professor's nose.

While the usual big names were being bandied about, nobody outside Lens had heard about the 18-year old until the media firestorm regarding his imminent transfer to United.

Little is known yet about his footballing abilities, but expect the inevitable tidal wave of YouTube videos proclaiming him to be the greatest defender since those 300 well-oiled Spartans wearing nothing but loincloths.

Varane is reputed to be a tall, strong central defender who can also operate in a defensive midfield capacity, which sees him as a potential successor to defensive stalwart and Captain Fantastic Nemanja Vidic.

And with most United fans consigning their hopes of a Hargreaves comeback to the same drawer of disappointment as their prayers for ten plagues on Merseyside, Varane may offer the ideal backup when Darren Fletcher is injured.

But in spite of all the above reasons, we completely understand if you still believe that Ferguson was left heart-broken when he saw the fluorescent-pink-slash-gray away kit the teenager was forced to wear, and that mercy was the sole reason for signing him.

2. "How Much Is That De Gea in the Window?": David De Gea

Having dealt with the "done deal," we turn our gaze to the speculative ones.

With goalkeeper Edwin van der Sar retiring at the end of this season, Manchester United have stepped up the search for his replacement. Leading the potential successors queue is Spaniard David De Gea

In addition to having a great season between the sticks for Atletico Madrid, the youngster has shown an affinity for saving penalties.

For a 20-year old who looks like the unwilling hero in a Guy Ritchie movie, De Gea has built up quite the reputation in soccer circles. Can you imagine that movie trailer? I find it helps to imagine that movie trailer voice:

"

From the man who brought you  Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Sherlock Holmes — and will bring you the  Madonna Sex Tape as soon as the divorce papers are final — comes the story of a young man named David.

All David really wanted to do was play football in Madrid. But sometimes, the simple ability to save penalties lands you in hot water. Especially if you save enough penalties to catch the attention of...

Sir...

Alex...

FERGUSON!

Featuring a soundtrack by the Manchester Nursery Rhyme Choir, and coming soon to a theater near you: How Much Is That DeGea In The Window?

"

3. Could You Take a Shot at This Face?: Manuel Neuer

Dolce GoBayern OR Flight Connection UK?

With the less-than-attractive Rooney, Obertan and Nani often simultaneously on the field, United supporters who bought HD televisions were suddenly unable to watch the screen for extended periods of time.

In an effort to offset the wildly spiraling "Ugliness Quotient" at Old Trafford, Sir Alex Ferguson is looking to German international goalkeeper (and in all probability, future Abercrombie model) Manuel Neuer.

The blond-haired, blue-eyed goal keeper has provided a goal-keeping master class over the past year. After impressing at the World Cup (including an assist in that 4-1 drubbing of England), Neuer has consistently been the best player at club level for Schalke 04.

Neuer pulled off a string of miraculous saves in the Champions League semi-final first leg against United. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to credit him as the sole reason United didn't score six.

In addition to the calm demeanor so characteristic of van der Sar, Neuer also possesses the impeccable distribution that has made the Dutchman invaluable between the sticks for United.

Unfortunately, while United are keen on the 25-year-old, Neuer has stated his desire to remain in Germany. And refusing to renew his Schalke contract can only mean he is destined for Bayern Munich (who to be fair, have a massive UQ problem of their own)

4. Looks Like He Could Sink the Titanic: Maarten Stekelenburg

Richard Heathcote/Getty Images

PORT ELIZABETH, SOUTH AFRICA - JULY 02: Maarten Stekelenburg (R), Nigel De Jong (C) of the Netherlands and Kaka of Brazil prepare for a corner kick during the 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa Quarter Final match between Netherlands and Brazil at Nelson Ma

Standing every inch of 6'6", the Dutch No. 1 looks to have been carved from the iceberg that sunk the Titanic.

Impressive performances for Ajax and Holland have ensured that Stekelenburg's name is often followed by that of Manchester United.

The 28-year old was immense for the Netherlands at the 2010 World Cup.

His brilliant marshaling of the Dutch defense allowed midfielders Nigel de Jong and Mark van Bommel to rampage all over the field committing enough battery and assault to merit multiple life sentences.

Considering Manuel Neuer has already signaled his intention to remain in Germany, Stekelenbu—rwho has already filled van der Sar's shoes for Ajax and Holland—may again emerge as the ideal candidate to replace his departing Dutch colleague.

5. Get Your Pacy Little Gremlins Here: Eden Hazard

Choking Hazard: Package Contains Moves That May Take Your Breath Away

What would Fergie give for a midfielder with the passing range of Fabregas and the pace and trickery of Lionel Messi?

Think Jackie Wilshere, but better. Think Cristiano Ronaldo, without the Olympic diving credentials. Think Paul Scholes, only able to tackle...

For that is what the 20-year-old mentioned in a recent interview. When quizzed about the dizzying heights he has scaled, he simply replied that he is now learning to defend.

Seemingly well-grounded and a tireless worker, the Belgian international would be a great new fulcrum around which Sir Alex can redesign his aging midfield.

Seeing as Hazard showcases the tricks and flicks of Cristiano, the low center-of-gravity of Messi and the vision of Fabregas, United fans may wonder why there have not been more rumours linking him to Old Trafford.

6. Smoothing over a Hairy Front? Get a Brazilian: Douglas Costa

EuroFootball/Getty Images

KHARKIV, UKRAINE - SEPTEMBER 25: of Metalist Kharkiv of Shakhtar Donetsk in action during the Russian Premier League match between Metalist Kharkiv and Shakhtar Donetsk at the Metalist Stadium on September 25, 2010 in Kharkiv, Ukraine. (Photo by EuroF

Ever since the Jose Mourinho puppet took the mickey out of Arsene Wenger on "that Special 1 TV episode", any signing of a Brazilian is destined to be a minefield of double entendres.

Ever since part-time footballer and perennial chest-waxer Cristiano Ronaldo left Manchester for greener pastures, United's attacking play hasn't been smooth and "shhexxsshhy" as Ruud Gullitt might say.

And as Barcelona found out with Ronaldinho and Real Madrid did with Ronaldo, the best cure for a hairy front is a good Brazilian.

And Costa seems like one of the best. A product of Brazilian club Gremio, Costa can dazzle on both flanks much like Cristiano and—more recently—Nani have done for United.

He can also cut in for the shot, but more important is his judgment: while Nani's decision-making is the root cause of Wayne Rooney's premature hair loss, Costa generally seems to pick out a teammate in a better shooting position.

Factor in a penchant for set-pieces, and we cannot help but feel that Sir Alex has picked another winner.

Some stunning displays in the Champions League saw his underdog employers Shakhtar Donetsk advance to the quarterfinals.

Sir Alex has long been a fan and a sighting of Costa at Old Trafford earlier this season was interpreted as Sir Alex preparing to trim some of the weedy undergrowth at United.

With Anderson returning to form and the da Silva twins breaking into the first team, Costa would complete a Brazilian makeover of the club.

7. Another Order Of Over-Rated Star, Sir Alex? Do Try Our Gareth Bale

Anyone Else Think Bale Resembles The Evil Kid From Toy Story?

Depending on who you ask, our recent shopping history at Tottenham is one-sided at best and daylight robbery at...well, that's not an exaggeration, to be honest.

After investing (spelled F-L-U-S-H-I-N-G) £49 million on Berbatov and Carrick, somehow we don't foresee this being third time lucky.

Gifted with blinding pace and absolutely nothing else, the Welshman should easily be (in my humble opinion) the most over-rated player in the Premier League today.

Fortunately for him, Manchester City insist on paying boatloads for players like Edin Dzeko and James Milner.

Cue the angry retorts that I'd be a great columnist if the sport was sucking at life, that I have terrible taste in footballers (I do have a weakness for Nani, so that's not totally untrue) or that I'm just jealous that I don't look like a cartoon villain (now that's definitely true).

But I stand by this opinion. Earlier this season, Rafa Benitez was too engrossed in a good sandwich to notice that double-marking Bale renders him about as dangerous as a fluffy kitten.

As a result, Bale could produce a couple of outstanding displays in the Champions League.

In addition, Bale spends so much time on the physio table that the revenue service may soon require him to pay property tax on it.

But within a year most managers will have worked this out, at which point the £40 million spent on him (hopefully by Real Madrid or Manchester City) will seem like money well spent—to United fans, that is.

8. Someone Call For A Pint Of Brilliance? Kick Back With A Wesley Sneijder

Claudio Villa/Getty Images

MILAN, ITALY - APRIL 23: Wesley Sneijder of FC Inter Milan during the Serie A match between FC Internazionale Milano and SS Lazio at Stadio Giuseppe Meazza on April 23, 2011 in Milan, Italy. (Photo by Claudio Villa/Getty Images)

If Luis Suarez showed us the Jekyll-and-Hyde face of Uruguay at the World Cup, then Sneijder and van Bommel surely took it to another level with their showing for the Netherlands.

While van Bommel hacked recklessly away at anything that wasn't Oranje, Sneijder had a hand in everything that was beautiful about the Dutch display.

A tireless dynamo in midfield, Sneijder was the focus of Jose Mourinho's European champion Inter Milan side.

Similarly at the World Cup, he set about overseeing the formalities such as goalscoring while his Dutch midfield colleagues busied themselves filming a documentary presumably entitled "The Shoe-stud Murder Diaries."

Sneijder boasts a shot characterized by outlandish curl and vicious late dip, meaning that he ends up on the score-sheet more often than not. His range of passing is formidable and at the age of 26, he is just reaching his peak.

But in relation to his role at United, the most important aspect of his game is that he provides a nimble but mobile fulcrum that is characteristic of contemporary teams.

The current United squad suffers from a disconnect because midfielders Scholes and Carrick prefer the patient build-up while the forward line of Rooney, Nani and Valencia are lethal on the counter-attack.

The Dutchman is versatile and talented enough for both styles of play and would undoubtedly be a fine acquisition for United.

And if United were to capture Belgian Eden Hazard and Brazilian Douglas Costa as well, our attack would surely be unrivaled—even by Barcelona.

9. Cristiano WHO?! Meet Alexis Sanchez

The Closest Replica of Cristiano Since... Cristiano

At this point it is honestly hard to tell whether it is Sanchez' moves or the DJ Khaled soundtrack that is giving me this rush of adrenalin, but the Chilean seems by far the best fit for the glass slipper that our fairy tale Princess Cinderonaldo left behind.

A stellar turn for Chile at the 2010 World Cup didn't hurt his chances of a big-money move away from Italian club Udinese.

Sir Alex has long been rumoured to be a fan, and now that the 23-year-old has come good, maybe the time is right for the Scot to retrieve Sanchez' file from the "See Later" pile and place it firmly in "Must Match Inevitably Outrageous Price Tag" pile.

10. How About Andrea Pi... Oh, Why Are You Throwing Up?: Dishonourable Mentions

Chris Brunskill/Getty Images

WIGAN, ENGLAND - APRIL 02: Luka Modric of Tottenham(L) Hotspur is chased by Ben Watson of Wigan Athletic during the Barclays Premier League match between Wigan Athletic and Tottenham Hotspur at DW Stadium on April 2, 2011 in Wigan, England. (Photo by Ch

Let us conclude with a mention of the also-rans. To make this list a player must be unworthy of United or, quite simply, absolutely ridiculous:

Jack Rodwell: Multiple rumours have tipped the Everton lad to make the move to Old Trafford. Not saying that our shopping history at Goodison Park is bad or anything, but I don't understand why Sir Alex would care for Rodwell before pursuing prospects such as Sneijder, Hazard, Costa and Sanchez (three of whom will command a similar price to Rodwell). He seems young, hard-working and genuine, but I just doubt he is good enough for a club of United's stature.

Pepe Reina: I honestly believe the person who invented  this rumour should be made the guest DJ at a party hosted by Steven Gerrard. How many times has the poor Spaniard (poor not because we sympathize with him, but because of all the times his house has been burgled on away game days) rejected any suggestion of a move away from Liverpool? Then again, there was that other Spaniard singing a similar tune barely six months ago. Hmmm...

Ashley Young: This is like Bale all over again. Apart from the odd helping of pace, his only claim to fame is internet flirting filthy enough to spread STDs across a web-cam! A significant achievement, but we already have Wayne Rooney, thank you very much.

Luka Modric: Luka Modric vs Michael Essien (for example). See Tiananmen Square.

Charlie Adam and Jordan Henderson: See Jack Rodwell.

Diego Forlan and Andrea Pirlo: This entry merely reflects a desire to share fits of hysterical laughter with other United fans.

Serious Note: By rejecting players such as Charlie Adam, Luka Modric, Gareth Bale (my rejection was so vehement that it required a whole page) and Jack Rodwell, I am not doubting their quality. They are, and will remain, good players. But I feel that they are not up to the Gold Standard that United fans set for their players. And it is this standard that motivates players like Rooney and Ronaldo (and Chicharito, from the looks of things) to achieve the dizzying heights that they have done. I believe that we should spring for nothing but the best, and that is why I have expressed the opinions above.

In Conclusion...

Alex Livesey/Getty Images

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND - APRIL 11: Sir Alex Ferguson the manager of Manchester United faces the media during a press conference ahead of their UEFA Champions League quarter final second leg match against Chelsea at the Old Trafford on April 11, 2011 in Manc

So here we are. It is prudent to recognize the omission of Hugo Lloris and Mario Gotze, but with his plate so full of Dutchmen and South Americans, it is doubtful that Sir Alex will even bat an eyelid in their direction.

That, and I got lazy as the writing clock approached three hours.

And with the all important clearance sale slated for this summer, the owners would do well to allow Sir Alex to spend all those funds (and then some!) on completing the club's Brazilian look, adding a pinch of Chilean spice, Belgian white chocolate and washing it all down with a pint of Dutch brilliance.

If you've been affected by Chilean spice, Belgian white chocolates or Dutch brilliance, feel free to leave us a comment below. On the other hand, if you have experience with a Brazilian, feel free to keep it to yourself.

Disclaimer: Bleacher Report claims no knowledge of Gareth Bale preventing superstar astronaut Buzz Lightyear and his cowboy pal Woody from returning to Andy. We also wish to set the record straight that Mark van Bommel and Nigel de Jong never filmed a documentary titled "The Shoe-stud Murder Diaries", at least until such time as we can remove these football cleat-shaped stitches from the columnist's chest. In addition, following an officially delivered tantrum from Cristiano Ronaldo, we hereby withdraw any comparison between the frail, slender princess dressed in pink with a flower in her hair — and Cinderella.