"Football...Bloody Hell!"—Why Manchester United's Wayne Rooney Ban Is Farcical

Nowadays, it seems to induce a blazing controversy whenever Wayne Rooney approaches a camera.

Shortly after mouthing off at English fans during the World Cup in 2010, the Manchester United striker painted the proverbial bulls-eye on his back by suggesting that his club lacked ambition. However, after some stern words from his manager Sir Alex Ferguson, he signed a contract extension, offered a public apology to both teammates and fans and sought to recapture his scintillating form of last season.

But last week, the curse of the camera struck again—and no, I don't mean the fact that Rooney appears to be a bizarre product of the University of Liverpool's human-potato hybridization experiment. No, after scoring a brilliant hat-trick to rescue United from the ignominy of a 2-0 defeat to bottom-dwellers West Ham, Rooney proceeded to request a cameraman to do something that rhymes with "a cough."

Cue the theatrical response from the English FA.

The Farcical Association immediately issued a two-match ban. I am not defending Rooney, in fact I still hold a grudge for his attempt to hold my beloved club hostage.

What annoys me is the blatant double-standards the FA displayed. Look at the rap sheet of England's top footballers:

1. England's Brave John Terry: Sought bribes for private tours of the club stadium and conducted multiple affairs, including one with the baby-mama of (at the time) teammate Wayne Bridge. Apparently, Terry explained he was just teaching her how to take a penalty when he slipped and she fell.

2. Rio Ferdinand, Frank Lampard: Filmed in an orgy somewhere in Cyprus

3. Peter Crouch: Solicited women in Spain who knew their way around a good "tackle".

4. Steven Gerrard: Apparently Gerrard described what a good beat should sound like but the DJ didn't get it. So Stevie G showed him.

5. Ashley Cole: Where do I start—cheats on England's sweetheart Cheryl Cole, puts his equipment on display via text message and takes shooting lessons from Dick Cheney.

After that list, does it not seem hypocritical that Rooney's two words of profanity earn him a two-match ban?

Surely, the argument that Rooney's example will be emulated by youngsters is a moot point considering the example some other footballing "idols" set? We live in a world where even motion picture associations have permitted film-makers one F-bomb in every PG-13 film.

Certainly then, the general consensus is that youngsters are allowed the freedom to exercise their own good judgement?

Either way, the point is that if you were tasked with ridding 1920s Chicago of crime, would you begin by tackling wayward parking or by arresting a certain Alphonse Gabriel Capone?

A popular saying is that "rugby is a hooligan's sport played by gentlemen, but soccer is a gentleman's sport played by hooligans."

If the FA keeps this up, there may soon come a day when we cease to witness brilliant tidbits like this one from the Telegraph's Thom Gibbs:

"78th minute: ...The cameraman rather gets in his way as he celebrates. Rooney stares into the camera, rather than at the man, and does some full-blooded angry swearing. What a lovely young man..."