Spoiler Alert: 15 Movie Characters and Their NFL Equivalents
Sick of 40 times and vertical jumps? Been reading too many mock drafts and watching too many players running around in what appear to be some form of ballerina tights revealing more of their features than you ever cared to see?
I know this draft can't come and go soon enough for me.
I've spent too much time lauding complete unknowns and disparaging the similarly unknown.
For the next few minutes at the very least, I can promise you there won't be an uttering of the word draft or prospect as we count 15 of the most important comparisons in professional sports...well maybe not very important, but you get me.
Does anyone actually ever read these introductory slides anyway?
15. Calvin Johnson: Megatron (Transformers)
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Lets get the obvious ones out of the way first.
Having been christened "Megatron" by fans in Detroit for his incredible mixture of size, speed and strength, Calvin Johnson is just as destructive as his Decepticon counterpart.
(He's also just as much of a loser...)
Johnson has only his teammates to blame for Detroit's struggles in recent years. He must feel exactly like Megatron in 'Transformers' when he is brought back to life only to be resoundingly beaten down by Optimus and the Autobots.
Sad thing for Johnson is the only guy who can bring him back to life in Detroit can't even get himself fit enough to be on the field.
14. Ed Hochuli: The Hulk (The Hulk)
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Imagine if Ed Hochuli underwent a Hulk-like transformation. It's not like Bruce Banner had any sort of muscles before he got angry.
Hochuli already looks like his arms are about to split his shirt at any moment and all that flexing he does when calling out penalties would surely be even more intimidating if he was even bigger than the players he was punishing!
Just think of a huge green monster stopping the game and grunting to the crowd to signal a false start.
Then again, we could just give BJ Raji a whistle and be done with it.
13. Matthew Stafford: Boobie Miles (Friday Night Lights)
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Comparing a football player to a football player? That's just lazy.
There's no denying that Matt Stafford is suffering the fate of Boobie Miles. His injury list is just another thing to add to the list of woes plaguing the Detroit public.
Much like Boobie in 'Friday Night Lights', Stafford has all the talent in the world but getting him healthy and on the field is proving to be too much of a problem.
Don't worry Lions fans, this is the last time you'll be seen on this list although it must feel good to be part of the top 15 for once.
(What do you mean this isn't a "top" 15 list? We're only at 13, how would you know?)
Whoa, got quite defensive there. Lets keep moving!
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12. Jim Caldwell: Sleepy (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)
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Have you ever seen Jim Caldwell on the Colts' sidelines? Half the time, it looks like he doesn't even know where he is. Rarely, does he appear awake.
You know the way cartoon characters will shake themselves to make sure that they are still awake? Someone needs to grab that guy and throw him around a bit to get the same effect.
Maybe one of those big nasty defensive players that the Colts have can grab him and put some fire in his stomach. Oh wait, I forgot this is Indianapolis we're talking about...
11. Wade Phillips: Keyser Söze (The Usual Suspects)
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"The greatest trick the Devil ever played was convincing the world he didn't exist"
Well, not exactly, but who in Dallas was actually talking about Wade Phillips before last season when Dallas fans were announcing their Cowboys as Super Bowl favorites?
(Hey Jerry Jones! How'd that Super Bowl in Dallas feel?)
Yeah, that's what I thought. Pity it was too late before Dallas fans realized that Wade Philips was the greatest bluffer of our time...well, except for Keyser, of course.
Wade left Dallas with a thick wallet and it wasn't long before he landed in Houston with full control of their defense. He's still close enough to visit Jerry, I suppose.
10. Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco: Laurel and Hardy
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Batman and Robin weren't quite the crime fighters they had proclaimed themselves as in Cincinnati. In fact, they committed more crimes against football than Adam West's costume designer did against fashion.
Ochocinco and Owens were a comedic duo of the slapstick kind last year.
Much like Laurel and Hardy, they spent a lot of time falling over and getting hit in the face rather than breaking tackles and putting up points.
At least if they had been in the silent films, we wouldn't have to listen to either of those two muppets any more.
9. Rex Ryan: Donkey (Shrek)
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Since Nate Robinson is now in Oklahoma, there is an audition being held to replace him as Donkey.
Chad Ochocinco was the bookie's favorite, but then Rex Ryan repeated his statement that the Jets would win the Super Bowl next season. Hey if there's no football, at least he can pretend!
Rex Ryan talks...a lot. Donkey talks...a lot. At least Donkey has the excuse that he is the only one of his kind in the whole world that can speak, so its something to be proud of. Ryan's got what exactly?
I don't know how he'd manage with having hooves of his own but luckily for him he'd be the only donkey in the world married to something with feet. Even if they do belong to a dragon.
8. Aaron Rodgers: Jackson (Saving Private Ryan)
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Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. I can't count the number of sleepless nights you have given me since Feb. 6.
As a Steelers fan, it was crippling to see you fire an 11-inch football into a 10-inch hole between Steelers defenders over and over...and over...and over again. Thank you, William Gay and whoever else was in Dallas!
Anyway, Rodgers is exactly like Jackson, the expert sniper from 'Saving Private Ryan'. He doesn't mess around and, just like Jackson, he knows that he has a "special gift." Or how exactly do you explain his belt celebration after every touchdown?
Many of us may like to believe that all quarterbacks are modest guys, but Rodgers loves the spotlight and would be lost without it. It's probably why he does so well in the playoffs, when the cameras come out.
Can you imagine him saying something along the lines of "what I mean by that, sir, is if you was to put me and this here sniper rifle anywhere up to and including one mile from Adolf Hitler...with a clean line of sight...pack your bags, fellas. War's over."
Now try this: "what I mean by that, Mike [McCarthy], is if you was to send John Kuhn and Brandon Jackson to the sidelines where they belong, this here rocket attached to my shoulder could hit a Nnamdi-Asomugha-and-Darelle-Revis-covered Jordy Nelson with Ed Reed over the top for a simple touchdown...pack your bags, fellas. It's belt time!"
7. Troy Polamalu: Taz (Space Jam)
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There's no need for a picture of Taz, just look at that fiery mane of manliness!
Taz may not have demonstrated the awareness and smarts of Troy when he made his sole appearance on a basketball court in 'Space Jam', but Pittsburgh's number 43 does his best Taz impression every Sunday on the field.
From diving over offensive linemen to undercutting out routes, Troy may as well start spinning on the spot. It's not like Heinz Field can't take it.
Now, if only they could sort out his soft speech off the field and get him to spit and growl more. James Harrison probably knows a thing or two about that.
6. Albert Haynesworth: Jabba the Hut (Star Wars)
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Well, Big Al sure wasn't playing too much football last season in Washington. He was too busy counting his millions.
Greed can be a good thing in a footballer, but not to that extent. Haynesworth's laziness and lack of effort on the field always reminds me of the husky laughter of Jabba, who knows he has enough riches to not give a damn anymore.
The one thing I can't figure out is why Haynesworth bothers playing football anymore. Why doesn't he just retire? He obviously doesn't enjoy life in Washington anymore, or then again maybe he does enjoy abusing all those around him.
Maybe Haynesworth is saving up enough to buy a pet that can eat Daniel Snyder and Mike Shanahan in true Jabba mode.
5. Plaxico Burress: The Scarecrow (Wizard of Oz)
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Is it The Scarecrow's soft hands? They are made of straw.
Is it his tall frame or his great wingspan? He can support all those crows at once.
No to both. Unfortunately for Giants fans, it's because both are still searching for a brain. Harsh? Well, look at it this way: one of the two have shot themselves in the leg and it's not The Scarecrow.
Burress' chances at being reinstated to the NFL are pretty good, but his chances of lasting on an NFL team are about as high as The Scarecrow's chances of beating Stephen Hawking at chess.
4. James Harrison: Debo (Friday)
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James Harrison is an angry, angry, angry man, so much so that his teammates have taken to calling him Debo in the Steelers locker room.
I don't think I've ever seen him smile. Remember this is a guy with two Superbowl rings. Maybe he wouldn't have been cut 407 times if he had cracked a joke every once in a while.
To be honest, criticizing James Harrison isn't in my immediate plans. I value my job...wait, I mean life too much to make that mistake.
Harrison even looks like Debo: angry...erm maybe I shouldn't. I'm a huge fan, James. I always knew you could make it. You're a really good football player, too.
Don't hurt me!
3. Gus Johnson: Ron Burgundy (Anchorman)
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How great would it be to hear Gus Johnson reading the news? Actually how great is it to hear Gus Johnson reading anything?
He tends to go a little bit insane on the airwaves while commentating on the game. And while he has never quite told his viewers to "go **** themselves," he has had his moments:
Not only is he the first announcer to ever be accused of being racist against his own race, he also was the first man to literally give birth on air.
Ron and Gus share an affinity for the insane. If you don't believe me, take a look at this site.
2. Tom Brady: Hansel (Zoolander)
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Tom was always going to make an appearance on this list. There were quite a few options: John McClain from 'Die Hard' (he peaked for his first three showings but the fourth was a little underwhelming), Neo from 'The Matrix' (you know, because he thinks he's The One too) or William Wallace from 'Braveheart' (what wonderful hair!)
Of course, the quick-witted foil of Derek Zoolander with the perfect hair and penchant for dating supermodels was Tom's obvious parallel. If Brady is Hansel, then Manning is of course Zoolander. It may be his film, or Manning's league, but Hansel is the one with all the luck, style, charm and championships.
Hmm...if Brady became a supermodel, does that mean he'd have a chance at actually becoming the main breadwinner in the household?
You know, in other words, the man of the household.
1. Brett Favre: Rocky Balboa (Rocky)
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Much like the last two or three 'Rocky' films, the last two or three Brett Favre seasons have been just plain unnecessary.
Favre and Rocky share the best and worst of qualities: they're both stubborn and love taking a beating, but they both get old very quickly. At least Sly hasn't been hit with the grays yet. Favre was really living up to his "grandfather of the NFL" image towards the end of last season.
At least we all know the former (please, God) quarterback can take a hit once in a while, because with his track record, his wife may be looking to throw more punches his direction before he hits 60.
Hold on, Sly was 60 in the last 'Rocky', does that mean Favre could make a comeback in 20 years' time? Or even worse, could he come back and play until he's 60 and keep retiring and returning?
I'm not sure I could take much more of that...and I'm sure you can't take much more of this so I'll call it quits here.
(Hey Brett, start taking notes -- that's how its done!)
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