Chelsea Vs. Manchester United: 6 Things to Expect from Champions League Clash
The two most dominant EPL sides of the last three seasons meet at Stamford Bridge for a midweek Champion’s League clash this coming Wednesday.
For the boys in blue, it’s the perfect chance to prove that they are still one of the top sides in Europe after a run of poor form and noted lack of tactical adaptability.
For the boys in red, it’s the perfect chance to show that sly old Fergie is still managing with a full basket of eggs and that the team's unbeaten run was not, as many has said, a fluke.
After hours of painstaking research, polling, discussion and tactical analysis, we present the definitive list of five things you can expect from this week’s monumental Champion’s League showdown.
Winning and Losing (But Also Maybe a Draw)
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Experts posit that one team will lose and one team will win at Stamford Bridge this coming Wednesday.
In order to win, one team must score more goals than the other. An examination of the rules and history of the beautiful game reveals that in order to score a goal, a player must propel the ball past the goal line with any part of his body other than his arm or hands. In the event that one team wins, another team loses by default.
Despite the high possibility of a win/lose situation, some fringe groups predict something known as a “draw”. In the technical parlance of the footballing world, a “draw” occurs when one team, say Chelsea, scores an equal number of goals as the other team, or Manchester United, in this case.
A “draw” constitutes neither a win nor a loss for either team.
Predictions and Analysis
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Experts predict that experts will predict the outcome of the game in the days preceding the match.
Often times, a prediction entails a hypothetical score line for the match as well as an analysis of expected tactics and key figures for the upcoming fixture. A survey of past predictions shows that they are more or less universally wrong.
A thorough analysis of the circumstances surrounding the coming Champion’s League battle indicates that analysts will analyze that match after it happens. Analysis includes a breakdown of tactics, the score line and an overview of which team did what correctly and incorrectly.
Analysis generally proves more accurate than prediction as it does not require a superpower, i.e., the ability to see into the future.
Primary Colors
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Predictions of the upcoming match indicate that the lads of Chelsea, from Gianfranco Zola to Roy Bentley, will take the pitch Wednesday in the side’s famed royal blue kits.
These same predictions expect that Manchester United players such as Eric Cantona and Cristiano Ronaldo will also wear uniforms, probably red ones.
Thus both teams will adorn primary colors. However, United may wear its away kit, since the game is to be played away from the team’s home, which is the English city of Manchester.
If United wears the white kit, experts predict the motion on the field will resemble an Israeli flag blowing in a gentle breeze.
Though factual confirmation of such things remains elusive, many believe that Chelsea’s blue uniform and United’s red uniform have something to do with the teams’ nicknames, Blues and Red Devils.
Famous Players Doing Heroic Things
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Endless exhaustive hours of research indicate that any match with either Chelsea or United features famous players doing heroic things. A match between the two sides promises even more celebrities and heroism than usual.
Expect Didier Drogba to run very quickly and kick the ball powerfully. Expect Frank Lampard, Flourent Malouda and Michael Essien to pass and move about the pitch. Expect David Luiz to look like Sideshow Bob, and expect Fernando Torres to heroically fail to score.
On the United side of the divide, Nani will undoubtedly run quickly and pass the ball. On the defensive end of things, Van Der Sar and Vidic will do their best to prevent Chelsea from scoring by straining their faces and leaping about.
Wayne Rooney will elbow Chelsea players in the face, clench his jaw, harangue the referee and assume various messianic poses upon doing something especially heroic such as scoring or laying with a costly call girl.
Pacing and Consternation (and Possibly Bouts of Rage)
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Fans of football will know that teams come accompanied with a man called the manager, or gaffer.
The manager of a team is something akin to the publicist. He wears nice clothes, combs his hair, verbally abuses the players and staff on both his team and opposition squads and gives interviews in the wake of matches.
Experts predict that Chelsea gaffer Carlo Carlo Ancelotti and Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson will pace by the side of the pitch while the match take place, both displaying looks of consternation.
In the event that something seemingly unfair occurs on the pitch, these men will most likely assume looks of outrage and flail their limbs spectacularly in an effort to physically manifest their incredulity.
Jackie Chan
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If Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich turns out to be the arch villain many have long suspected him of being, he may well hold the crowd at Stamford Bridge hostage, their release contingent upon Ferguson and United conceding the game.
Enter Hong Kong action hero Jackie Chan, the man most suited to infiltrating a locked down stadium guarded by KGB henchmen and confronting the evil genius behind the plot.
Expect Chan, who is also a pop star in China, to record a song about his exploits in the wake of the match and offer the profits of all digital sales of the single to the individuals and families who suffered through the Stamford Bridge Incident.
