Robin Van Persie, Darren Bent and More: The Top EPL Headlines of the Week
Here’s the thing—writers need to make a living. They need to put bread on the table, coal in the stove, oil in the lamps and clothes on the backs of whatever ungrateful spawnlings may be haunting the mildew-choked corners of their rickety shacks.
The problem is, when you’re writing about something like soccer, there’s only so much you can write. There are only so many teams, only so many players, only so many matches per week.
It’s not politics and it's not human interest drivel. It will not affect whether or not North Korea launches a nuke, and it doesn’t have much to do with child soldiers in Africa.
Here is a sampling of some of the top headlines to hit the EPL between game weeks 30 and 31.
Just FYI the picture of Jack Wilshere, Fabio Capello and that weird looming fellow doesn't really have anything to do with the content of this article, but it looks nice!
Bent: Players Must Be Flexible
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Let’s look closely at this headline from the official EPL website.
First of all, we'll deal with the obvious. It begins with the word “Bent” and ends with the word “flexible.”
Moving beyond that, we’ll assume Bent is Darren Bent.
Now, we’re talking about a sport that requires players to run as many as eight miles in a match. A sport with jumping, sliding, flailing, extreme leg extension and lots of battering, bruising and diving.
Of course they have to be flexible.
But this is where it gets really weird. According to inside sources, Bent is planning on opening a yoga studio. The studio will feature instruction specifically designed for footballers. Can we then assume that this is some form of subliminal advertising?
Sunderland's John Mensah Is Excited About Leading His Nation at Wembley
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This nugget of gold comes compliments of the Telegraph.
Let’s see what we have here. Apparently, a player is excited about leading his national team at one of the world’s most hallowed football venues and in front of an enormous crowd of screaming fanatics.
Not only that, but Mensah will captain his side—Ghana—against England. In Wembley.
That’s weird. Who would’ve thought that a guy who’s devoted his life to football would relish such an opportunity?
Glad someone deigned report on that.
photo: Taken moments before Mensah stepped out for a curry.
Nigel De Jong Wants to Win Trophies at Manchester City and End Eastlands...
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...Trophy Drought
Heading Three, An Itemized Report:
(A) Nigel De Jong wants to win trophies. That’s weird. Why would he want to do that? Raise your hand if you want to be the best at what you do. No one? That’s what we thought.
(B) Nigel De Jong wants to win trophies with Manchester City, the team he currently plays for. Now that’s downright unconscionable.
(C) Nigel De Jong wants to end the Eastlands trophy drought. Which apparently is not the same thing as winning trophies with Manchester City. If it were, surely the headline would read “Nigel De Jong wants to win trophies at Manchester City in order to end Eastlands trophy drought.” But no dice.
Recap: Nigel De Jong doesn't mind, if it's not a problem that is, winning trophies for City while also, on the side, sort of like a part time job, ending the Eastlands trophy drought.
He is also giving free self defense lessons to underprivileged children in the city of Manchester.
Morgan Confident of Wolves Survival
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It stands to reason that the owner of a club, in this case Wolverhampton Wanderers owner Steve Morgan, is “really confident” that his team will avoid relegation. Even if he’s not, he has to say he is to keep up appearances.
What makes this official EPL website headline so interesting is that it’s immediately followed by…
photo: Ashley Young, fresh from Bent's nascent yoga studio, in the downward facing dog.
Doyle Blow for Wolves
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Which headline continues: “Wolverhampton Wanderers have been dealt a blow with the news that Kevin Doyle could miss the rest of the season.”
Let’s read between the lines, all together now: “Morgan perhaps not so confident after all.”
Tottenham Midfielder Steven Pienaar Ends Groin Injury Fears After...
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...South Africa Appearance
Here’s the thing. The guy plays 82 minutes for South Africa. He’s taken out of the game just before time. At that point, it occurs to the wily foxes at Goal.com that he might not be suffering from a groin injury.
It doesn’t occur to anyone when, say, it’s announced that Peinaar is in the starting lineup. Or when he takes the pitch. Or when the first half ends, after he’s played 45 minutes with nary an expression of discomfort in the groin.
No, it’s only after 82 minutes that the light goes. And that, readers, is what makes this headline so darn beautiful.
photo: Tonight, we celebrate the end of our fears.
Parker Hoping to Keep Up Form
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Scott Parker recently told West Ham TV that he’s playing the best football of his career this season.
The English midfielder is leading the Hammers’ recent resurgence and started for his national team alongside the likes of Frank Lampard, Jack Wilshere and Wayne Rooney on Saturday.
According to anonymous sources, Parker believes that contemporary socialist Britain is a mask for the assuredly Machiavellian state that subsists in hearts of the shady secret demon men who control the world.
Thus by drawing attention to himself and upending the balance of the natural continuum, Parker risks invoking the ire of the freemasons.
If he does this, the ancient society will undoubtedly preform a satanic ritual that will cost Parker his very soul. So why would he publically announce his desire to continue drawing attention to himself?
A genuinely vexing question...
photo: Parker stares definatly into the mouth of a Masonic abyss.
Van Persie: We Must Improve
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Can't argue with that.
But then, Arsene Wenger is probably too busy steaming broccoli for his boys to focus on strategy.
John Terry Will Not Captain England Again, Says Fabio Capello
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OK, so, we cheated a little bit here.
This one is technically from February of 2010, and it’s not actually an objectionable headline in and of itself, but given the context of yesterday’s match between England and Wales, well, you see where we’re going with this.
