Jim Ross Is Ready for WrestleMania 27, but Not Before You Buy His BBQ Sauce

Alfred Konuwa@@ThisIsNastyFeatured ColumnistMarch 24, 2011

Previously, I once again enraged the Internet Community with my satirical conversation with WWE legend Jim Ross.  I ran into similar uproar last year from Fedor Emelianenko subjects when I suggested that their previously undefeated (for the most part) emperor was somewhat of a fraud. 

Fedor hasn't won an MMA bout since.

One thing I have learned from these contrasting incidents of disapproval is that MMA fans are far meaner than wrestling fans.

For every 'smh' from a wrestling fan in response to last week's controversial article, there were at least five f-bombs, with a quasi-death threat thrown in for good measure, from MMA fanatics. 

This comes as only a mild surprise to me, and wrestling fans should be applauded for their comparative tact. 

As much as I hate to admit it, however, perhaps pro wrestling fans have finally become conditioned to the TV-PG era.  A gosh darn shame if you ask me.  

I can assure you that I am not turning heel.  I'm simply going against the traditional (and oftentimes monotonous) Internet agenda as I have been doing for the duration of my career at this very website.

Ross is a sacred cow (no pun intended) amongst the Internet Wrestling Community and, since most of the wrestlers who he fired in the 90's can't read or write, any articles concerning his likeness are usually peppered with well-deserved sympathy and praise given his unrivaled trials, tribulations, and accomplishments. 

I, however, took a different route as Ross' blog provides great material to either analyze, parody or question to some extent.

In fact, Ross recently reached out to me personally on twitter, as the outrage had obviously reached his front door. In all of his classy glory he said he felt honored to have provided "cannon fodder" for my controversial piece.

Jim Ross is my favorite wrestling commentator of all time.  I feel like he used to talk to me personally when he was calling a match.

But since McMahon ruthlessly took him away from me I feel that this is the only way we can rekindle our pseudo-communication despite any backlash I may receive for daring stray from the agenda by blaspheming Christ Ross' name.

Besides, I have enough good will deposited in the B/R bank.  I can afford to spend some of it.

So let the 'blaspheming' cries for  attention continue.   

JR: Several fans sent me a Tweet @JRsBBQ of the first match that Jerry Lawler and I ever announced together which was in 1983.

[Insert David v. Goliath joke]

JR: Jerry was with his business partner at the time Jerry Jarrett and they were visiting Bill Watts on a TV night for Mid South Wrestling. Soon after this meeting, Watts and the two Jerry's made a talent trade that brought the Rock 'n Roll Express and Midnight Express (Condrey, Eaton, & Cornette) to Mid South. Both territories were able to freshen up their talent rosters via this timely trade.  

The one word trade was a true gem back in the territory days.  I remember when Dick Slater was traded for Dick Murdoch.  Wrestling purists rhapsodize about the trade being the biggest of its kind.  

JR: The King sat in with me only on one match, as I recall.

This was back when sexual harassment in the workplace was a myth, so Lawler was likely spending the rest of the broadcasts in the damsels women's locker room playing "what's under my cape?" or creeper favorite "touch the scepter."

JR: Who knew that a decade later that the two of us would form one of the longer-lasting broadcast partnerships in TV wrestling history?

And don't forget about Vince McMahon.  He was there for the embryonic phases as the awkward, red-faced, screaming third man in the booth. 

JR: I missed out on the OU Football play-by-play position but the University made an excellent hire with 37-year-old Toby Rowland. I'm disappointed that I didn't get a shot at my childhood 'dream job' but I'm happy for Toby and know that he will do a great job of underscoring the 'theater of the mind,' better known as radio, to the Sooner faithful.

Okay, okay I know his name is Toby Rowland but I'm not finding anything of substance on Google.  What's Toby's address and/or phone number?  What's his license plate number?  I need to know this so I can find Toby Rowland myself and confront him for taking your dream job!  Joey Styles, Todd Grisham, Josh Matthews, Terry Taylor and Michael Cole, and the cast of Glee taking your dream job is one thing, but this Toby Rowland guy has crossed the line.   

JR: Some of my friends feel that my long time association and name identity within pro wrestling over the years did not work in my favor. I'm not sure that I agree with that analogy, but the bottom line is that it wasn't meant to be and as I said all along I felt that I was a long shot at best.

Ross' audition went south when he kept referring to touchdowns as Slobber Knockers, and repeatedly referred to University of Texas Coach Mack Brown as a rat b-----d. 

JR: Look for Brock Lesnar to pop up on ESPN over the next few days, perhaps with Jonathan Coachman, for a 'unique' feature on the former WWE, UFC and NCAA Champion. Brock next fights June 11, at this time in Vancouver, against Junior Dos Santos.

Of course, Lesnar is one of the coaches for The Ultimate Fighter which debuts soon not to mention that Brock's book, co-written with Paul Heyman, will be in stores in a few weeks. I'm anxious to read Brock's book and hope that you check it out as well. 

It's critical that Jonathan Coachman conduct the interview, as he would be the expert by default even if his expertise over at ESPN (who tend to be clueless about MMA) is in pro wrestling as opposed to MMA.    

JR: I got invited by the Celtics to attend their game in Atlanta on Friday night of WM27 week but the game conflicts with an appearance I will be on at the THQ location at WM Axxess. I'm actually going to play against The King in the new, WWE All Stars video game. I predict that Jerry will defeat me just as he will Cole in the Georgia Dome.

Also, you will be appearing live at the event to call at least one match.  Let's just be honest here, it's going to happen.  The Cole/Lawler match has every tie to you imaginable. 

The guy who took your job and punked you with an ankle lock (Cole), your boy as the special guest ref (Austin), your former broadcast partner (Lawler), the Oklahoma connection with Swagger...

Just to stir the pot, you should have said that you accepted the invitation to the Celtics game and watched WWE panic at the thought of Booker T calling around 10 WrestleMania matches. 

JR: I might have actually been able to do some play-by-play while in Atlanta on Celtics radio with my pal and Celts voice Sean Grande.  

Just because you didn't get the Oklahoma job doesn't need you have to sink to the depths of Boston Celtics radio. You're better than that, Ross.  Let's just regroup and maybe you can interview for the OU Women's volleyball gig.  

JR: For those attending Axxess, Lawler and I will also be at the WWE HOF booth signing autographs on Saturday morning from 10 am- noon. Plus, our JR's products will be on sale at the WWE merchandise stand throughout Axxess as well. Remember, no shipping charges at Axxess. 

Why do I get the feeling that Michael Cole will show up in your place wearing a fat suit and a cowboy hat? 

JR: @joeystyles is lighting it up on Twitter. The artist also known as 'Stocky Balboa' is one of the more outspoken individuals in WWE and expresses himself freely on Twitter. Some day Joey and I may get to broadcast some lost classics for WWEClassics.com or WWE On Demand. Time will tell.  

By 'time will tell', you mean in the event that Styles doesn't get fired for going overboard in blaming WWE for killing ECW.

JR: We'll all miss Sir Oliver Humperdink at CAC this year as 'Hump' passed away a few days ago at the age of 62 after suffering from bladder cancer. Humpy had those bulging eyes and when he, shall we say, partook of smokable herb, those saucer sized eyes became very, very red.

I always felt that Humperdink was before his time, and would have thrived in today's wrestling landscape.  He was misused during his stint with WWE in the late 80's.  Personally, I think he would have been better served as a creepy heel manager for a stable of divas. 

JR: BTW and before I forget...if you want an autograph on this site, I do not sell them. I will sign for free but you have to include what you want signed and a self addressed stamped envelope or it won't get done. Send requests to: JR's BBQ, PO Box 721294, Norman, Oklahoma 73070.

1 Cowboy hat

1 Ankle boot

2 Bottles of bar-b-q sauce

4 Profanity-laced e-mails addressed to WWE corporate circa 2009

1 Michael Cole dart board

2 Stone Cold Steve Austin Pom-poms

That's what I want signed, please get it done. 

JR: In my four-plus decades in the wrestling biz, I can't name anyone who stood their ground against a variety of power brokers and stayed loyal to their in-ring persona more than new WWE Hall of Fame Inductee Abdullah the Butcher.

He always stood his ground because he had no choice.  He was too big to really move around.  Plus he was a butcher and nobody in their corporate mind is going to tell a large man wielding a hatchet anything.   

JR: Abby perfected his game plan decades ago and never deviated from it to any significant degree. He stayed independent in his thinking and managed his own career while becoming a financially secure, global, main event performer. 

"Butch," as the late, great Gary Hart used to call him, is also very astute. If someone pulled the wool over Abdullah's eyes, they only did it once. He gave me some great advice as a young man who was just getting into corporate management within this wacky business. 

He obviously didn't bother to teach you how to escape an ankle lock.  Not a win on Abby's part...Michael Cole could have killed you because of Abby's negligence. 

JR: Abdullah the Butcher is a superb selection for the WWE Hall of Fame as he has stood the test of time and made the term 'Hardcore' fashionable.  Who was more 'Hardcore' for more years than Abby? Seems to me that the Butcher was the true innovator of the hardcore style of wrestling featuring blood and weapons.

Which has to be the reason as to why he wasn't even given a video package on WWE TV-PG announcing his induction.  99% of the footage was of him exchanging crimson masks with Bruiser Brody. The other 1% was of him getting electrocuted.

JR: @JRsBBQ on Twitter has over 114,000 followers and grows daily. Thanks.

...And I helped!

JR: We're getting very excited about WM27 in my old stomping grounds of Atlanta. The Mrs. and I enjoyed living in Atlanta so much back in the day. We were homeowners there and still have many, many friends who reside in the Peach State. Being able to announce wrestling from the old TBS studios on Techwood Drive ala Gordon Solie in his heyday was a thrill for me and was a 'boyhood dream' that I was able to experience.

And one out of two ain't bad, Ross. Who needs Oklahoma?   

JR: Ah, the 'good old days' when broadcasters actually did play by play during pro wrestling matches..... 

Now we're stuck with Michael Cole live tirades during Divas matches.  From a storyline standpoint, however, this is actually kind of an upgrade. 

You know the Divas will make a paycheck appearance during the Cole/Lawler match, which I hope leads to Cole challenging for the Inter-Gender Championship of the world.  Michael always dreamed of wrestling...

JR: Thanks for stocking up with JR's products from our on line store as it seems as if many of you are planning on WM27 parties and tailgates. We appreciate the biz and you've still got time to get your orders delivered before the event if you hustle.

You're the one who needs to do the hustling, you've got some letters, pom-poms, and dartboards to dig up and sign for me.

Boomer Sooner!


Follow Big Nasty on twitter, @ThisIsNasty, or he'll follow you...in real life.


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