World Football's 25 Worst Hair Styles

Richard Langford@@noontide34Correspondent IMarch 10, 2011

World Football's 25 Worst Hair Styles

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    Maybe it's from a lifetime of headers? I am not sure. But I do know there is something that causes world football players to break out some epically awful hairstyles.

    We are just lucky these guys are not forced to wear hats or helmets on the field, because our lives would not be as diverse or entertaining without having seen some of these classic dos.

    Like these 25...

No. 25: Matthew Bingley

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    Huh...I never knew Donald Trump used to play.

    This is Matthew Bingley signing off. Stay classy, San Diego.

    No matter how hard he tried when Bingley headed a ball it just rolled off and fell harmlessly to the ground.

No. 24: Geroge Berry

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    "And how 'bout over here we have a happy little bush right next to our peaceful lake."

    I'm not going to lie. I am really jealous of this afro and beard.

    I just wanted to get in a Bob Ross reference.

No. 23: Miguel Veloso

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    No! Thumbs down.

    "I know the mullet is wildly out of style, but when I pair it with this fro-hawk—magic!"

    Balki was so happy with this haircut he did the Dance of Joy.

No. 22: Jason Lee

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    I am guessing his hair doesn't always stand up like that. It probably should though—that is really awesome.

    It kinda looks like he tried to put on of those pointy German war helmets, but it wouldn't slide over the hair he was trying to grow into dreads. 

No. 21: Kevin-Prince Boateng

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    "Bleach my hair. No, not the whole thing you idiot. I didn't grow this awesome fro-hawk for people to not notice it!"

No. 20: Andy Carroll

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    Lice all over plan vacations on Andy Carroll's head. I hear the maze is epic.

    I hear it is in Andy Carroll's contract that he will not head a ball, because it may mess up his intricately styled corn-rows.

No. 19: Bobby Charlton

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    The combover is the prostitution of the follicle world, because it is the world's oldest bad hairstyle. 

    And this one is a doozy!

    Charlton was an epic goal scorer. Oh, not because he was good, but when he was running and that hair was flapping around defenders were paralyzed in laughter.

No. 18: Peter Tsekinisg

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    Peter is the only player in match history to score a goal with a crane kick. "If done right, no can defend."

    Amazingly, Peter has his head turned in every photo ever taken of him. He knows how to show off his mullet.

No. 17: Tommy Caton

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    "Believe it or not, I'm walking on air. I never thought I could be so free-ee-e."

    If you've never seen the Greatest American Hero this probably makes no sense to you. Also, what have you been doing with your life? Go watch it.

No. 16: David Beckham

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    It's hard work being a fashion icon and occasionally playing football. There are only so many hair-dos an Englishman can do.

    Beckham was anxious to increase his street cred to his metro-sexual image.

    He also at wanted to coin a new phrase: "Braid it like Beckham."

No. 15: Alexi Lalas

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    You'd think it get annoying when your goatee kept dipping into the bong water.

    "Zoinks!"

    I am so glad Lalas gave up singing that annoying Two Princes song to play soccer.

No. 14: Ruud Gullit

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    Steve Guttenberg tried so hard to get a part in Cool Runnings.

    Gullit wanted to bond with his 9-year-old daughter. So he got the same haircut.

    There's just something about the small, styled dreadlocks look that just doesn't work on a man.

No. 13: Carlos Valderrama

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    Just because Valderrama's football skills took off after sticking his tongue into a light doesn't mean it'll work for everyone.

    Hey Carlos! Sideshow Bob called—he wants his hair back. Yahoo Serious on line two, Carlos.

No. 12: Marcelinho

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    "Damn it! I ran out of red dye! What? Not enough orange either."

    This is what the bathroom floors look like after Bachelorlette parties that involve way too many fruity cocktails. 

No. 11: Ronaldo

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    I hate it when the battery runs out on my clippers before I finish.

    Shh, don't tell Ronaldo that In Living Color was a comedy and not fashion show. This gets two snaps in a "Z" formation.

No. 10: Jermain Defoe

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    Defoe hit the goalpost so hard it knocked his Mohawk askew.

    His girlfriend was having a hard time visualizing what he was trying to say. "See—this is what I mean. It kinda looks like a landing strip."

No. 9: Alan Biley

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    Alan Biley borrowed his wife's hair for this photo.

    Alan never got over the fact that Def Leppard kicked him out of the band.

    Wasn't this guy one of the female East German swimmers that got banished for taking steroids?

No. 8: Loco

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    This is a man who will stop at nothing to convince the world he's crazy.

    "Excuse me Mr. Barber, but I was hoping you could give me a haircut that matches my name."

    If Loco ever commits a serious crime I am ready to be his lawyer. I know the perfect defense.

No. 7: Bacary Sagna

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    That part looks like it hurt. Did he shave a strip down the middle?

    It takes a second to notice that amazing part due to the blindingly bright bleached braids.

    Sagna is not always that happy. People just get a euphoric feeling when bleach seeps onto the brain through the scalp.

No. 6: Tony Daley

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    It's like the late 80s took a dump on his head.

    Mr. Daley went to the barber and halfway through receiving the Kid 'n Play high rise look, he decided he just had to continue to let his Soul Glo.

    Tony also gets extra credit for the light Magnum P.I. mustache.

No. 5: Taribo West

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    Wow! Taribo figured out how to grow asparagus on his head.

    Forget about playing football Taribo, you've got the Nobel Prize in botany awaiting you.

No. 4: Djibril Cisse

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    "Morpheus the machines have Neo held Captive at Club Rainbow. We need you to blend in and infiltrate!"

No. 3: Abel Xavier

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    Abel Xavier is a brave and caring man. He personally put an end to hair products being tested on animals when he let them test every single one on him. 

    You should have seen his mustache before they applied that now banned product to it.

No. 2: Abel Xavier Ex. 2

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    "Those animals I saved is making me look soft. No, my eyes do not make me look crazy enough! I mean I really want to look full on Charles Manson crazy."

    Abel has always loved roosters. Now he looks like one.

    Abel is the cock of the walk, baby.

No. 1: Roberto Baggio

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    Roberto Baggio handed the encyclopedia of bad haircuts to his hair stylists and said, "I'll take that one." 

    Mullet—nice, ponytail mullet—breathtaking, permed ponytail mullet—my god this guy is a sleaze bag genius.

    He doesn't even stop there. The extended bangs and thin goatee really pull together the whole "football is only what I do to pass the time between getting drinks thrown in my face by much younger women and paying alimony" look.