6 Reasons Arsenal Beat Barcelona in Their Champions League Clash
The web is awash with analysis of yesterday’s Champions League clash at Emirates Stadium.
Experts from all sides have taken to the Internet with microscopic dissections of the epic match. Every angle of what went right and what went wrong has been discussed, examined, dismembered and reassembled. Nary a stone in the field of football has been left unturned in this bold quest of truth and meaning.
Having parsed and weighed all expert opinion, having explored and inverted every possible minutia of yesterday’s match, we have compiled a list of the six indisputable reasons the Gunners were victorious.
If we have left anything out, please let us know below.
One thing that all experts agree upon with regards to yesterday’s match: Arsenal won. Not even Trident, a popular brand of chewing gum that received the recommendation of 80 percent of dentists—four out of five—managed to achieve unanimous expert approval in its tenure.
Yet, the proof is in the pudding. From the Guardian to the Telegraph, ESPN to Fox Soccer, Al Jazeera to China Central Television, all expert and media outlets agree that Arsenal bested Barcelona, two goals to one.
Chew on that.
It has been suggested that alphabetical order figured into the outcome of yesterday’s match.
Consider it: Arsenal begins with “A,” supposedly the first letter of the alphabet. Barcelona begins with “B,” purported to be the second letter of the alphabet. Thus, as “A” precedes “B,” so did Arsenal finish ahead of Barcelona in yesterday’s match.
If there is truth to this theory, it holds that Barcelona will be victorious during the second leg of the showdown by the same score margin. The two teams will them meld in act of metaphysical necessity and form a new entity, known as Carsenalona.
This entity will tare the fabric of the space-time continuum and redefine the meaning of the world “football.”
The International Higher Council of Accredited Ninjas convened at an emergency convocation immediately following yesterday’s storied battle.
Though many believe that ninjas are mere martial artists who lurk in shadows and train Batman in ornate Himalayan retreats, they have, in fact, adapted nicely to the modern world. Employing their martial discipline and tactical acumen to everyday pursuits, ninjas have found success in banking, anthropology, clinical psychology and sports.
According to inside information, the ninjas gathered in such silent and enigmatic fury to determine whether Arséne Wenger hand managed to “out ninja” Barcelona gaffer Pep Guardiola.
The ceremony is purported to have been something like the choosing of a new Pope. There were candles, smoke, mysterious chambers and, in a radical departure from Vatican tradition, a sacrificial beheading. The end result? Wenger did indeed “out ninja” his opponent.
Scored More Goals
The Spanish government has already filed an injunction with the International Criminal Court to stop the spread of reports claiming that Arsenal did, in fact, score more goals than Barcelona in yesterday’s match. According to the Spaniards, something foul is afoot, no pun intended.
Yet, eyewitness accounts from the millions of people who watched the game on television indicate otherwise. Apparently, hard as it may be to believe, the Gunners did in fact score one more goal than Barcelona.
Whether or not official historical records will indicate an Arsenal win is unknown for now, though insider accounts indicate that legal council to the Spanish government is strongly suggesting a withdrawal of the injunction.
Primodial Sludge Of Life
The primordial sludge of life on earth began boiling 3.5 billion or so years ago. Then there were prokaryotes, photosynthesis, eukaryotes and, some 600 or so million years ago, the appearance of animals.
In the intervening time, a series of fateful events, from the extinction of the dinosaurs to the appearance of mammals and the election of Nelson Mandela led inexorably to yesterday’s match, which Arsenal won.
While experts will argue tactics, sportsmanship, athletic ability and more ad nausea, the simple, indisputable fact of the matter is that Arsenal won yesterday because life exists on earth.
Spanish model Fernando Torres enjoys strutting around in Liverpool and Chelsea kits. He also occasionally scores goals.
Torres’ recent move from fashion designer Dalglish’s rejuvenated Mersey line to Russian magnate Roman Abramovich’s chic London label, Blues, has weighed heavily on the minds of the football world in recent weeks.
Given that Torres was previously affiliated with a Spanish fashion firm known as National Team, to which a number of Barcelona players have connections, it’s possible that Torres permeated the Catalans with an air of unease that lead to Arsenal’s victory.