Tiger Woods Spitting: 10 Worse Things Tiger Could Have Done in Dubai
Tiger Woods spitting on the green is the latest horrible thing that Tiger has done. If you read the sports headlines today, you would have thought the golfer slaughtered a unicorn on 17 and then dumped out a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Look, the man spit...on grass. Can we get some perspective here? I understand that there is a level of decorum in golf absent from other sports, but Tiger has spit before.
This is more a sign of his stock falling than anything else. If he was still winning tournaments, this news would have stayed absent from the Internet.
I submit to you that there are a great many things that Tiger could have done that would have been worse. Here is a list of things that would have been much worse than spitting.
10. Jawing at a Photographer
1 of 10
We have seen it before. Tiger Woods goes after someone snapping his picture with the shutter noise set to "on." He goes to the gallery and rips the photo taker a new one.
It is a very unsettling scene, not because it is uncomfortable, but because it is awkward. There is nothing like seeing a golfer act tough.
When the sport that you excel at deems it a crime against the golf gods to spit, you are not the toughest cat at the joint.
So, he gets angry. What is he going to do? Argue in a very concise manner using high-brow verbiage he learned from his days spent at Stanford? How very "street gang" of him.
9. Thrown His Clubs
2 of 10
We have all been there. You are on the tee of a simple par three and you slice the ball into the parking lot.
Your first instinct is to throw the club as hard as you can as if it is a personification of Justin Bieber, but apparently that is a no-no on the links.
Well, don't make your game so difficult.
Tiger has thrown his clubs before. The action always leads to muffled sighs from the crowd as if he just drafted Kwame Brown with the first pick in the NBA draft.
All he did was show some emotion, people. Let's all get over it and go for ice cream.
8. Choose the Moment To Pick Up a Lady
3 of 10
You knew this slide was going to be here. There is a perfectly good reason for it. Tiger Woods dated what was the equivalent of the population of Baltimore.
It is a lot of work to continue a harem while you are married. The rate that he met women and made them his girlfriend was astounding. I have no idea where he found the time.
If Woods was even slightly more popular, he could pop his head into the gallery and choose from a bevy of onlookers to court.
The only thing holding him back is the fact that most women now exclaim "ew" when he is mentioned.
.jpg?w=256 "Colts Jaguars Football")
7. Blow a Snot Rocket
4 of 10
Can we all be adults here? For anyone that has seen a baseball game on television has seen this feat of human nature take place. I spent the better part of my youth playing baseball.
I went all the way to the collegiate level before my inability to steer clear of a buffet line and hit a curve ball surfaced.
The one constant through all my years around the sport is that all ball players can hawk a loogie through their nostrils. It is crass and disgusting. Then again, so are baseball players.
A quick jaunt through a dugout will have you wishing you wore surgical gloves. So, yes, Tiger spit. But at least spitting through your mouth is somewhat socially acceptable.
By the way, that is the ever proper David Beckham blowing the better part of his medulla oblangata all over the pitch.
6. Threw a Tirade of "F-Bombs"
5 of 10
The other issue proper golf players have with Tiger is his vulgar language. He has been known to let the expletives fly. Well, imagine throwing one big huge "fudgesicle" out of his mouth as he geared up for his putt.
He would be crucified amongst golf analysts. As for me, I say the game of golf has too little emotion.
I know when I get on the green, the one thing I want to do is hit the ball straight, when that fails to happen I want to punch the nearest bystander in the face.
As that would be socially unacceptable, I blurt out "fart sticks on a sandwich." Trust me, my tone of voice sells this one.
5. He Could Have Taken Off His Hat
6 of 10
This one is really for me. I am never able to put the toothpaste back in the tube when Tiger takes his hat off.
There I am marveling at this young talent, and then wham, I remember that he is an aging golfer without the good sense to double up on his Propecia dosage.
Please Tiger, never take off your cap. You are ruining the fantasy that you are a machine on the course for me. I guess your swing already did that.
4. Cried
7 of 10
I have to say. This is a long time coming. Tiger Woods has lost his wife, family, golf swing and reputation as a closer. Frustration has to mount at some point.
With every shanked shot, he has the world to remind him that he sucks.
It is enough to make anyone break down. But please don't. There is nothing more awkward than watching a grown man cry. That is why I eat my pint of ice cream and watch the movie Rudy in the comforts of my own home.
Anytime you see a man crying, you run over and put your arm around him and utter this comfort, "Hey man, please stop."
3. Tweeted
8 of 10
A few years ago there was an annoyance that I dare not write here. Okay, for the betterment of the world, I will. He was known as "Bluetooth guy."
He went to the store, post office and bathroom with his Bluetooth device snugly planted in his ear.
It was as if at any moment he would get a critical call that would need to be answered. Unless you are in direct link with the president or a Chipotle (that place is delicious), you do not need a Bluetooth at all times.
That person has now been overtaken by the constant Tweeter. This is the person that is always on their phone texting or tweeting their latest and greatest foray. "I'm at the mall"..."I just bought jeans"..."I'm about to sink a putt."
You think I am kidding, but Tweeting has already made its way to the sidelines of the NBA and NFL. It is only a matter of time before a golfer tweets, "Watch me sink this business for the win."
2. Told a Joke
9 of 10
I have tried to watch a pot of water boil. I have even sat in front of a wet wall and watched a new coat of paint dry. These pale in comparison to the press conferences and interviews of Eldrick.
The man is a robot and his jokes are awkward at best. I have an idea for a show.
It would be to feature Tiger Woods and Tim Duncan performing stand-up and sketch comedy. It is sure to last at least through the opening credits.
1. Steal Candy from a Baby
10 of 10
Quick, what's the worst thing you can do in life, besides hosting the MTV Movie Awards? If you said steal candy from a baby, you are correct.
It also means you pay attention to the titles of these slides, double kudos to you.
The most reprehensible thing you can do is steal candy from a baby. Largely because what adult wants delicious treats so bad that they will nab it from an infant?
Woods has a sizable bank account. I know half went to Elin recently, but he has at least the buck fifty it takes to purchase a delicious treat like a Snickers bar.
So, Tiger may be the worst human being in the world; as long as he maintains his distance from children and their tasty snacks, we are cool.
.jpg?w=480 "Colts Jaguars Football")
