No NFL, No Problem: 10 Sports To Watch While You Wait For Football
The threat of a work stoppage in the country's most popular sport looms over all fans. It is an inky, black cloud rolling over the sports landscape.
Questions abound as negotiations grind to halt. Neither side is willing to concede to the other.
Valid points fly through the media: The owners want more meaningful games (Stop trying to say the fans want it, owners. Just own up to the fact that you want it. I'm happy with the current slate of 16 games. The schedule makes sense. I could do without a couple preseason games, but that is another story)
The players want to see an accounting of where all the money they generate is going. Other companies have to open their financial records to scrutiny. Why don't NFL owners?
The owners want to cut salaries, especially rookie salaries. This is a valid point, I feel. Why should a kid who has not played a single down in the NFL make more than a proven player? I would love to be paid for my potential instead of my production. I would be a millionaire, too. (I'm telling you, B/R, I'm the next Jim McKay. I should be paid as such)
The players want more security beyond their playing days, especially in terms of health care. Yeah, I get that. These guys abuse their bodies for years. They want to know they are not going to have to foot the bill for the injuries they suffer, or any long term effects of those injuries.
Both sides have valid arguments, but what has been overlooked is this one fact: There is going to be nothing to watch on Sundays this fall!
I'm sure my wife will want me to watch reruns of the Real Housewives of Atlanta that she has recorded on our DVR. (Why did I ever teach her how to use that thing?) I'm sorry, but if I am forced to watch one more minute of that show, I will have no choice but to throw my game used Steve Konowolchuk hockey stick through my huge, beautiful television.
Fear not, fellow NFL refugees. I have found a few substitutes to while away the hours while we wait for our favorite game to return.
Sport to Watch While There Is No Football #1: Soccer
1 of 10
It is the most popular sport on earth, except here in the good old U.S. of A.
Why is that?
I suspect it has something to do with not being able to use your hands. Americans love to use their hands. We like to build things. We like to touch and hold things. We like to use our hands to make other people drop things in their hands. ("Gravity check! Yep, it still works.")
I have only ever watched soccer on three occasions: the Olympics (when USA was in it), the World Cup (when USA was in it), and when my kids played until they were seven and discovered other sports.
I have precious little understanding of the minutiae of the game, but here is what I know:
The goalie can use his hands, and so can the rest of the players when they are throwing the ball in from out of bounds. (Why not kick the ball in? That would seem to make more sense within the rules of the game)
You cannot be closer to your opponent's goal than their last defender (not counting their goalie), unless you have the ball or the ball is en route to you. If you are, you are offsides. (This is kind of like porn. It's hard to explain what it is, but the linesmen seem to know it when they see it)
It is possible to have no scoring whatsoever in 90 minutes of game time, and an undefined amount of time at the end of each half of the game, and it is still a good game. (Yeah, maybe this is why Americans don't like soccer)
Doesn't that sound exciting?
Just checking the English Premier League standings, I see that Manchester United has a slim 4—point lead over Arsenal, both having played 25 games.
What do you mean we have a soccer league here? When did that start?
Sport To Watch While There Is No Football #2: Aussie Rules Football
2 of 10
How this sport has not caught on in America, I can't even begin to fathom. It is more brutal than our football and the players don't wear pads.
Back when ESPN showed alternative sports (because they couldn't get a whiff of a deal to show any of the major sports), they would show Aussie Rules all the time and let me tell you, the men who play that game are MEN.
One time the ball went into the stands. Without blinking an eye, the players grabbed the smallest guy on the field, tore his head off and continued the game with his head as the ball. Okay, maybe that was an episode of the Simpsons, but it would not surprise me if that actually happened.
The rules are harder to understand than Trigonometry 303, but who cares?
You want hitting? They have plenty of that. These guys tackle, kick, punch each other. And the bonus is that they are allowed to do all that.
The scoring is extremely similar to the game you know and love. You get six points for a goal, one point for a behind. Sound familiar?
Sport To Watch While There Is No Football #3: Highland Games
3 of 10
Speaking of men being men, there are not many more manly men than Scottish Highlanders. (Alliteration, anyone?)
To wit, behold the glory of the Highland Games.
Before the World's Strongest Man competition, these guys were heaving trees and stones around the Scottish countryside for hundreds of years.
Most of the events seem to center around throwing something very heavy as far or as high as you possibly can.
The names of the events pretty much explain what to do: Caber Toss (pictured), Weight Throw, and Weight Over the Bar. (Well, what were they going to call it? "Golf" was already taken)
Men and women both compete in these events, but since everyone wears kilts, it is difficult to figure out which is which. I normally use the size of the stone for the Stone Put event as the determining factor. It is only eight to 12 pounds for women, but 16 to 22 pounds for men.
A quick search on the web shows that plenty of people in the USA know about the Highland Games. As they are all probably much bigger and stronger than me (even the women), I going to say this would be a fine replacement for our Sunday viewing and we would be privileged to watch.
.jpg?w=256 "Colts Jaguars Football")
Sport To Watch While There Is No Football #4: Timber Sports
4 of 10
Finally, a sport where disembowelment and amputation are real possibilities.
I mean, look at the teeth on that saw in that picture! If that thing were to snap, heads would roll...literally.
Again, these men (and women) are real men. This is not just sport for them. For many of them, this is their job.
The events in Timber Sports are varied and extremely entertaining. There is the Springboard, where you have to cut notches in a nine-foot pole so you can insert boards for you to stand on. You climb the pole and use your ax to chop the top of the pole off.
In Stock Saw, the organizers of the games provide you with a chain saw that you must use to cut a large log two times as quickly as you can.
In Hot Saw, you get to use your own, modified, chain saw to cut a huge log three times as quickly as you can.
In what other sport do they let you use axes and chainsaws?
There are other, slightly less dangerous events, too, but who wants to watch people running on logs when some guy is about to cut his buddy's thumb off?
Sport To Watch While There Is No Football #5: Roller Derby
5 of 10
Imagine a sport that is equal parts professional wrestling, football, hockey, and Poison concert...while on roller skates.
The sport you are imagining is roller derby.
The rules are fairly simple. The idea is to get one of your players to circle the track more times than the players on the other team. You get a point every time you pass a member of the other team. The team with the most points wins.
Did I mention that the other team is going to try to block you, by any means necessary? They will kick, punch, or scratch. It is not unheard of for players to be seriously injured during a match. As with Aussie Rules, these tactics are legal in roller derby (as long as the ref doesn't see you).
Oh, and the really good part: Most leagues are women only.
If you are tired of watching musclebound guys run on perfectly manicured fields of grass or turf, watch these ladies skate around on concrete trying to decapitate each other.
The uniforms are as bizarre as the sport itself. Outrageous costumes, even tutus, are the norm, along with heavy makeup.
Most of the players use aliases when they play like: Teeny Mussolini, Honey Punches of Throats, and maybe the best of all, Joan Cougar Menstrualcramp.
I couldn't make that up.
Sport To Watch While There Is No Football #6: Jai Alai
6 of 10
Jai Alai is what racquetball would be if racquetball players weren't sissies.
When you play Jai Alai, you are very much in harms way.
A Jai Alai ball, called a pelota, is about the size of a baseball, but it is as hard as a golf ball and can travel at speeds in excess of 180 MPH.
What do you have to protect yourself from this deadly object whizzing about your head? You would think a full suit of armor. And you would be wrong.
All you have is a wicker basket on the end of one hand and a helmet. That's it.
The threat of serious injury or death is real with this game. Actual deaths have occurred when people were struck with the pelota. No, really. And people have had to retire from the game when they have been hit just once with one.
Standing in an over-sized racquetball court, the object is to score points by various methods described in the rules, which are as confusing as the owner's manual to a new cell phone.
The real fun in Jai Alai, though, is in the betting. It is permissible for a player to bet on themselves (Although I could not find if there is a bet you can make that you will or will not survive a match). It is generally accepted that there is more betting on Jai Alai than on any sport on earth.
.
Sport To Watch While There Is No Football #7: Bowling
7 of 10
Okay, admittedly, the threat of real bodily harm is pretty minimal in bowling, unless you drop a ball on your foot or get wind burn from that little air blower.
But it can still be fun to watch, much the same way watching golf is fun. What are you laughing about?
You watch other sports because you like to see the very best play the game the way it was meant to be played. How is bowling any different?
Isn't it just as exciting to watch Walter Ray Williams pick up a 7-10 split as it is to watch a linebacker plant a quarterback for a twelve yard loss?
You're right, it's not.
What bowling does have going for it is that we all play it. If you have never bowled, who let you on a sports website?
On those cold late fall Sundays, you are going to need something to watch. What's it going to be? Cake Boss or bowling?
Good pick, sports fan.
Sport To Watch While There Is No Footbal #8: Pool
8 of 10
Again, there is not much of a chance of injury here, unless you are playing pool against guys with names like "Three Fingers" Tony, but pool can be fun to watch.
Personally, I get a kick out of the fact that you can play in a tuxedo, as most professionals do. I don't know, I just like that. I like to think that if James Bond had spent a little less time bedding gorgeous women and saving the world, and if you could drag him away from the baccarat table, he might have really liked a game of pool. (Baccarat. Now that is boring. Sorry, James)
Pool requires a steady hand, a deft touch, and the ability to plan your way around the table. It is chess's troublemaker brother.
The woman in the picture is Jeanette Lee. They call her the Black Widow. No one, but no one has that cool of a nickname in football.
This is another sport that ESPN used to show a lot of when the NFL, MLB, NBA, and NHL wouldn't even return their calls. You can still catch pool on The Deuce every now and then, but it seems like poker is the new parlor game to watch on TV.
Sport To Watch While There Is No Fooball #9: Darts
9 of 10
If pool is chess's troublemaker brother, darts is pool's best friend.
The game is simple.
Starting at a certain number, usually 301, 501, or 701, you throw your darts at the board. You are trying to collect as many points as you can with your three darts per turn.
The object is to reach zero before your opponent does. There is no defense in darts, which automatically means people in Baltimore, Chicago, and Pittsburgh are not interested, but it can be entertaining.
The game is very challenging and there is strategy involved since you have to plan what number you are going to hit to "go out" on.
I have not seen any darts on TV in the U.S., so you might have to subscribe to BBC channel to see darts, but if you are not buying NFL Sunday Ticket, you should be able to get some quality darts entertainment straight from the British Isles.
Hey, people watch fishing. Give darts a chance.
Sport To Watch While There Is No Football #10: Rock, Paper, Scissors
10 of 10
Look closely at that picture. Those men are wearing uniforms.
Wearing uniforms to play rock, paper, scissors.
There is a rock, paper, scissors league in America. (USA Rock Paper Scissors League, appropriately enough) They hold a championship, but the web page would not load, so I have no information about when or where it is.
Apparently, the rules of how to "throw" scissors differ internationally. I guess this is analogous to the difference in the lane sizes in basketball between the American game and the international game.
There is also a strategy to the game. I discovered that women tend to throw scissors first. Men usually throw rock first.
Who would have thought someone had this much time on their hands?
While you are wasting away in your Barcalounger this fall, waiting for the return of our beloved football, practice your hand gestures. You could be the next Felicia Moniz.
She won $1000 and a trip to Mexico by playing rock, paper, scissors.
.jpg?w=480 "Colts Jaguars Football")
