Machineheads and Dumbbells: The World of Weight Room D-Bags

I'm getting old. I'm not old, yet. I'm just getting there. At some point in the aging process, most human beings become somewhat observant about venues in which they've matured or had a changed perspective. Within the athletic world, I spent many years on the practice field, driven by games and camaraderie which have passed with time.

With my glory years now passed or having possibly never existed, I operate within a world of coaching and fitness where my perspective on the people I associate with has vastly changed. I intend to explore these folks in mini-series fashion, beginning today with a venue I once broiled in whilst striving towards goals and dreams of glory. Now I attend for the sake of fitness and hopes of staving off obesity. Each and every trip to the gym presents me with the opportunity to observe and reflect on the various categories who sojourn for purposes of their own.

Within that mass, I take stock of the daily attendance and specific presence of these fine quality douchebags that you may encounter as well.

Doug the Doorstop

Tackling this energy drink has been the bulk of Doug's work out. He feels that havoc being unleashed on his body's digestive system is equitable to circuit training. He's just going to chill out by the bench press and let the beverage work its magic.

Meet Doug. He likes to slide on into the weight room, often with a sports drink in hand. He is usually obese or was once slender but now sports a radial spare tie. He believes that standing in a weight room with a beverage purchased for $4 at the front counter dramatically affects his physical fitness.

He proceeds to set up shop somewhere in the gym accomplishing in an hour what most people accomplish in a warmup. Sometimes Doug will have both a sports drink and an iPod. Either way, he will exert more effort screwing and unscrewing the cap on his Speed Stack than he will on any matter of weight resistance.

In and of himself, who cares about Doug? Normally I'd ask that we all let Doug be. Unfortunately, Doug Doorstop usually takes root in a high traffic area or on a high demand machine. Doug has long believed that simply being seated in the gym is enough to dramatically impact his health. The beverage is adding muscle as we speak.

Doug is most likely to frequently make it known amongst friends/coworkers that he "works out." You will most likely encounter Doug on a daily basis. He will assume you are friends by gym association.

"Yeah, I'll see if I can make it, guys. I gotta go hit the gym first."

Marty Multi-Task

You might think this gym is empty, when, in fact, 46 people are lined up against the wall because Marty called dibs on every single one of these pieces of equipment.

Meet Marty (a.k.a Carlos the Cartel). He likes to blast his way through his workout using as many stations as possible. And all at the same time. We're in nationwide fitness trend of cross training and hybrid exercises, but Marty isn't content to exist within the confines of the contemporary dumbbell squat to shoulder press. No, Marty plans to use the squat rack. And the shoulder press machine. And the only set of 45 lb dumbbells, the lat pull down, calf extension and stationary bike.

Marty will mark his territory by leaving a hat, water bottle, towel or some other piece of property by each machine. If he has no more property, he may just whip it out and urinate on equipment to mark it. Marty cares not that it is peak gym hours and lines of people are finding themselves transformed unwillingly into Doug Doorstops. He's not going to acknowledge the log jam he is creating and he's certainly not going to share.

If you ask to jump in for a set, he'll say something about how he's operating on a clock or he'll dismiss your questions with a patronizing look and say he's only got six sets left. His workout is more important than yours. Someone like you wouldn't understand. You will most likely meet up with Marty when the gym is packed. Marty would never choose to do his workout when few people are around to see his intensity.

"Hey, buddy!" (throwback head nod) "I'm using that!"

Social Sally

You might think these ladies are at a coffee shop. Wrong. These Sallies are actually standing next to the seated row.

Meet Sally. She sees going to the gym as equitable to going to the mall. She is there to look around and have in-depth conversations where each sentence starts or ends with, "OMG, right?" The amount of effort she puts out at the mall might very well exceed the amount of exertion she puts out at the gym. She does not leave a four-foot radius of her friends Sally and Sally that she came with.

The Sallys may have actually arrived with a friend who does happen to be working out. They will orbit her and appear annoyed at all these people being all serious. Sally will giggle a lot and have zero self confidence about standing still in this environment. The Sallys thought it would be fun to come along but begin to second guess themselves when people seem more intent on working out than talking about Jersey Shore.

Sometime later in the night, Sally will make reference to having been in the gym if she believes it to be advantageous to a conversation or her attempts at a dude. You will most likely encounter Sally any time there is a gym special where a harem can join cheaply. This will most likely occur right after the new year or right before spring.

"OMG, it like totally stinks in here, right?"

Incorrect Ike

After a few sets of neck jerks, Ike is going to show his buddies a new exercise he likes to call the "throat press."

Meet Ike. He has very limited knowledge of the gym but doesn't want to present himself as such. He is most likely bringing some friends or his kid to the gym. I don't necessarily mind Ike as a person, but I do often feel worried about him. Regardless of where Ike ends up, he will most likely begin performing exercises or lifts with horribly improper technique. Gun to his head, he's not 100 percent sure how to use the lat pull down, but he thinks it's pretty self-explanatory.

He proceeds to put almost two times his body weight on the stack before grasping the bar and releasing his body weight from his feet. He effectively begins a set that looks like he is doing a pull up while gravity is pulling the weight down on one side and he on the other. Somehow his hips are thrusting as well.

When he's done with a few reps, he might clap his hands together or high five one of his friends before telling them they probably shouldn't do so much weight until they get the hang of it. Ike will then probably do some bench press 10 inches from his chest before pushing one arm up and the rocking his body back and forth trying to get the other arm up.

You will encounter Ike as the epicenter of some nerdlings or with his 13-year-old son in tow and absorbing these techniques into his knowledge base. The entire gym will feel unsafe and uncomfortable when Ike is there.

"My personal bench record is 400 pounds, but I'm gonna try and break it today."

Trendy Tom

Although Tom is smiling and making eye contact, he's secretly wondering if she's noticed his new toe shoes and officially licensed Power Slam hair gel.

Meet Tom. He looks like he stepped out of a magazine for lifting apparel. Tom does not wear t-shirts, shorts or clothing to lift. He wears t-shirts, shorts and clothing that was designed specifically for the serious lifter. Wearing Under Armor isn't enough because people may not take Tom seriously enough if he doesn't fully commit to the gear of a champion. We can just go ahead and throw on the table the fact that Tom spends more per month on his workout drinks and wardrobe than most people spend on a yearly gym membership.

Tom just got done tanning and is most likely wearing a head band over gelled hair and struts around in a factory made sleeveless Under Armor or a two button polo with a popped collar. He has a Bluetooth in one ear and an iPod earpiece in the other. He will talk loudly on his phone and smile a lot like he's at a frat party. 

Tom makes it a point to do every girl in the gym a favor by talking to them. He will probably point at you and throw back a big smiled head nod, too. Sometimes Tom will bring his girlfriend to the gym and let her watch him lift while she does two sets of triceps extensions and calls it a day.

Tom will go around the gym to say hi to the usual crowd not so much to be social, but to give everyone a chance to check out his new trendy toe shoes. You know, the ones that look like socks but don't really qualify as a shoe or sock. You better believe you'll bump into Tom during high traffic hours. His look demands high volume viewing.

"What, this? Oh, it's just the new Primo Voltage Sinew Shred from Max Nutrition. I don't think you can buy it around here, yet."

Apparition Al

Al knows that summer is right around the corner and wants to make sure that the two times he takes his shirt off are met with satisfied lady viewers. A few curls should take care of that.

Meet Al. Then again, you thought you'd met him before. Now you're not so sure. Was he there or wasn't he? Al likes to roll into the gym and make a show that he's there to get something done. He'll probably be wearing a tank top or sleeveless shirt and walk a lap or two around the gym so that everyone can see he's in attendance.

Soon enough, however, you begin to second guess yourself. You could have sworn you just saw him head to the dumbbell rack to start doing some bicep curls. But when you looked, he was gone. Then you saw him sliding the pin into the pec dec, but before you've finished your trip to the water fountain, he's gone. Within four-and-a-half minutes, Al has effectively given the impression that he has put in the workout of a lifetime to every group of glamour muscles on his body.

When you stop to think about it, Al never does anything of consequence. He used the vertical machine bench instead of the bench press and every other lift you thought you saw him do involved his biceps. Al is most likely in his forties or in his early college twenties. In either case, he is becoming self conscious about his loose appearance and feels the need to tighten things up.

By the end of his 12-13 minutes of wheeling and dealing, you and Al are both duped into believing that he has put in a manic workout. Ten minutes after that, you're struggling to remember if you even saw him that day. You're most likely to encounter Al at college parties or right before sand volleyball season begins.

"(standing in front of a mirror with shirt off flexing in silence)"

Stan Sweathog

Stan finished his workout nearly three hours ago. Just imagine what the incline bench looked like when he was finished.

Meet Stan. You usually first notice him on the stair master when you walk by the cardio room. He looks like he just jumped into the swimming pool with all of his clothes on. He's got a towel thrown over his shoulder and not once in his life has he ever worn a shirt to the gym that is not gray. He's usually wearing glasses that are being held in place by a strap and has some gray hairs coming through in his neck hair. He reminds you of your dad.

Just as you are getting done with your core lifts for the day and look to begin working some secondary muscles and abs, Stan walks in and seems to want to use every single area that you head to. He is dripping sweat everywhere. He lays down on the ab mat and it looks like someone dumped a bucket of water across the floor. You make a mental note to do all of your abs on the free bench instead. But then he uses that, too.

Within 15 minutes, Stan has displayed characteristics in tune with a very sweaty Marty Multi-task and Apparition Al. He does a bunch of machines very quickly and leaves each drenched with sweat and stench. He makes sure to blot each area briefly with his towel, but for some reason you're unconvinced that using a sopped towel loaded with filth to smear new filth is going to pay dividends for anyone's hygiene.

You're most likely to find Stan getting in a quick workout during his lunch hour. Unfortunately, Stan is still sweating while showering and doesn't cool off until he's back in his work clothes which are catching the "cool down sweat through." Stan is gross.

"I'm just g'na do a quick set then I'll get out of your way."

Live-In Larry

Larry hates your guts. You don't let people buy memberships to come walk around your living room do you? What gives you the right to walk around in his?

Meet Larry. This is his house. Literally. He never leaves. He has somehow developed a demented association that the inordinate amount of time he spends at the gym translates into part ownership of the gym. And not the good kind. He's not going to come up and introduce himself and tell you to let him know if you need any help. He's going to grease you over with his glare, insulted that you'd have the nerve to come into his gym, use his stuff. 

Larry becomes so distracted by the fact that he doesn't know you as a regular that he doesn't even lift. He'll get to that later. Instead he paces, shouldering up to guys he has accepted into his home, demanding to know what they think of the new guy. You can try to avoid Larry's menacing glare by changing up your workout routine,  but it won't matter. Cause he's always there.

A few times a day, people who don't know any better will assume that Larry is an employee and ask him questions. He'll usually answer in a manner that lets you know that maybe you're better off finding a different gym. Larry will then tell a real employee that "he handled it." You will likely encounter Larry every. Single. Time. You walk into a gym.

"Hey, man, look at that guy. What the f*** does he think he's doing? Leaning on my wall like that? It's bulls***, man."

Morgan Mouthful

Morgan could wear sweat pants and a t-shirt. But then again you could just shut up and stop hating the player and start hating the game.

Meet Morgan (a.k.a Billy Barfbucket). Immediately you would notice that due to Morgan's unisex name, this person can be male or female. Morgan garnered immediate attention upon arrival to the gym due to the large number of people immediately puking into their own mouths a little due to his/her attire. A male Morgan could be sporting yeti hair from every shoulder, back, leg and knuckle pore while wearing a tank top and 1970s basketball shorts (or jean shorts) that flirt with genital expulsion. He's probably also wearing a wrist band.

The female Morgan is probably wearing medium sized spandex on an XXL frame. The spandex top is probably very low cut. You become immediately distracted by his/her presence. If you are lifting with a friend or your significant other, you will make speechless eye contact at some point. You have no personal problem with Morgan's desire for fitness, but have some serious comfort issues with what they've chosen to wear. Those whose stomachs have the capacity to withstand the initial Morgan introduction usually succumb to the Morgan mouthful during one of Morgan's first few exercises.

The male Morgan will most likely tackle some lunges that no longer hold his gear in check in those short shorts. He may also ask you to spot him at the squat rack during a particularly heavy set when you just know you're going to have to get involved. The female Morgan will head to the thigh abductor/adductor machine and start straining in that spandex. She might also start yanking and jerking on the cables in a heaving manner. You can encounter Morgan at any given time and any given place, the most horrifying of which is in the locker room.

"Excuse me, friend, can I get a spot? Yeah, I probably won't be able to do this, so just jump in whenever."

Randy Roider

Randy has no genetic coding connecting him to man kind. He has long since become a member of the animal kingdom.

Meet Randy. You probably already have. He introduces himself to everyone in the gym whether they like it or not. He probably did so while in the process of shoulder shrugging eight plates by bellowing like a water buffalo in labor. Randy usually does each set with a three-part melody.

First is the pre-lift psyche up. This usually consists of wind gushing breaths through his teeth. Then comes the lift itself with the aforementioned birthing bellows. The lift concludes by a harmony of slamming the weight down combined with a psychotic roar of fury and spite that the weights had the nerve to think he couldn't lift them.

Some people suspect that Randy's hormones have been artificially altered. You might also notice that Randy's arms are bigger than your waist, yet your legs are the same size as his. Randy is the inverted Tyrannosaurus Rex of the weight room.

Although he likes to assert his alpha male dominance, the irony is that outside the gym, Randy has no athletic ability or flexibility whatsoever. Other than shaving his head and wearing sleeveless shirts to softball games, Randy doesn't have much to show for his genetically altered state.

You will most likely encounter Randy getting his swell between 4-7 p.m. so he can be appropriately vascular before heading to the bar in a tank top. He will also arrive to feed when a pack of the sick and the weak congregate.

"Roar!"